From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark...and a Bebbeh
"In a recent interview, Texas Governor Rick Perry revealed that he has spent the last twenty months preparing to run for president. Then Hillary said, 'Call me when you’ve spent 67 years.'”
---Jimmy Fallon
Clip of NBC reporter: [NFL player Adrian] Peterson released a statement: 'I am not a perfect parent, but I am, without a doubt, not a child abuser.'
Jon Stewart: You beat a four-year-old with a tree branch. Here's a tip for any pro football players out there curious as to whether or not they may be child abusers: you can't do something to a four-year-old that you're not allowed to do to a 300-pound lineman in a helmet and pads.
---The Daily Show
"The National Organization for Women is calling for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to resign. They made their demand in a video that Commissioner Goodell said he'll watch in five months."
---Conan O'Brien
"Scotland and England have been involved in something of a 300-year arranged marriage. I will be the first one to acknowledge England has been a little bit of a dick since the honeymoon. … We chose 'God Save the King' as the UK's national anthem, a song which, at one point, had a verse referencing 'rebellious Scots to crush.' Although, to be fair, we later realized that that was wrong and replaced it with a line about pissing on the Welsh."
---John Oliver
"You know who's upset now with ISIS? Al-Qaida. It's because ISIS is getting more attention than al-Qaida. So now, Saturday night will be Ayman al-Zawahiri Bobblehead Night."
---David Letterman
Vote in the poll and then come on down and splash---we're bobbing for gourds. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, September 19, 2014
Note: Today is National False Accusation Day. Or at least it was until you stole it.
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Sawing and chopping starts in 8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til autumn:
3
Days 'til the
Old Mill Days & Lumberjack Festival in Port Gamble, Washington:
8
Number of initial unemployment claims this week, which are
approaching a 14-year low:
280,000
Approximate percent drop in assault weapons sales, due in part because gun-control legislation has failed so miserably that gun owners no longer feel threatened:
70%
(Source: Bloomberg News)
Percent of Americans who say they've inherited money:
22%
Average inheritance amount:
$69,000
(Source: FiveThirtyEight.com)
Number of cruise ships and passengers, respectively, visiting Portland Maine this fall:
74 / 82,000
(Source:
The Portland Press Herald)
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NEW! Michele Bachmann Departure Countdown
Michele Bachmann and her googly eyes leave Congress in 106 days. Good thing, because she's practically turned the House floor into a strip club. (Someone please tell Louie Gohmert to put that dollar bill back in his wallet.)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Oh, Jimmy Choo…I [heart] you.
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Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY!!!
JEERS to climate-change deniers. Thanks to those jerks, there's a whole army of people---tens of thousands---who will spend their Sunday
marching for action against climate destruction instead of enjoying a nice weekend at home. Be sure to check in with Daily Kos for updates not only Sunday, but also tomorrow for the
Climate March Blogathon posts. Guest bloggers include Senators Barbara Boxer and Sheldon Whitehouse, Bill McKibben, lobster boat activist Ken Ward, Reps. Raul Grijalva and Barbara Lee, Nikki Silvestri and some of the brightest minds among Daily Kos's regular posters. Watch for 'em and send 'em up to the top of the rec list using the green energy source known as "your finger." And then on Monday have a doctor look at that finger---green is not always good.
P.S. Speaking of progressive action, the Netroots Nation crew is raising money for the 2015 convention with their annual Fall Online Auction, and you can check out the goods and get in on the action here. So far I'm leading the bids for the Roman gladiator lessons, but losing on "30 Minutes Behind the Wheel of a Steamroller in the Parking Lot of the State GOP Convention of Your Choice." Curses.
CHEERS to the melee on the moors. Tired of getting beaten over the head with fish sticks and being denied representation in the Ministry of Silly Walks by their English neighbors, Scotland went to the polls yesterday to vote on their independence. Turnout was huge (85%) because, unlike the United States, half of Britain's leadership isn't working fastidiously to suppress the other side's ability to vote. And, thanks to the slogan "A massive blob of sheep stomach filled with animal innards in every pot and a Shetland pony in every garage,"
voters said AYE....to voting NAW. First order of business: sleep off the election night hangovers. First order of business before the first order of business: shut off them #%&@!! bagpipes.
JEERS to the nexus of fear and politics. On tomorrow's date in 2001, Governor Tom Ridge of Pennsylvania was named by President Bush to head the new Office of Homeland Security. During his tenure the color-coded terror alert system was created and, depending on which Tom Ridge you believe, the system was either manipulated by the Bush administration to influence the outcome of the 2004 election or not manipulated by the Bush administration to influence the outcome of the 2004 election. (Hint: The second Tom Ridge has tied up the first Tom Ridge and locked him away in the attic with a rubber ball in his mouth.)
CHEERS to going in circles. Here's something all the cool kids will be chattering about on Monday morning. On Sunday the NASA spacecraft Maven---launched last November---will start orbiting Mars Sunday night. Somebody dim the lights and flick the switch:
Says lead scientist Bruce Jakovsky: “We’re the first mission devoted to observing the upper atmosphere of Mars and how it interacts with the sun and the solar wind.” Two days later an Indian craft, the Mangalyaan, will also start orbiting the red planet. Well, three, actually, if you include the pre-orbit Bollywood dance number.
CHEERS to America's favorite living literary boogeyman. Sixty-seven skulls go on the cake of Stephen King, born September 21, 1947 in Portland, just steps from where I live. (Okay, several thousands of steps, but still---steps.) King is an unabashed progressive who isn't afraid to speak his mind, as he did two years ago:
And he said this last month.
"You know what? As a rich person, I pay 28 percent taxes. What I want to ask you is, why am I not paying fifty? Why is everybody in my bracket not paying fifty?
The Republicans will say, from John Boehner to Mitch McConnell to Rick Scott, that we can’t do that because, if we tax guys like me, there won’t be any jobs. It’s bull! It’s total bull!"
Tonight's special in the C&J watering hole: half-off Redrum and Cokes.
JEERS to deep-sixing #20. On September 19, 1881, President James Garfield died, 80 days after some disgruntled jerk whipped out a couple guns and shot him in the back. True story: Alexander Graham Bell tried to locate the bullet using his new invention, the metal detector:
Fun fact: Garfield kept the
launch codes in his beard.
As the doctors struggled to understand the extent of Garfield's wounds, Bell, inventor of the telephone, used this machine to try to locate the bullet. When found, the machine was to send a sound to the attached telephone receiver.
Despite attempts on July 26 and August 1, 1881, Bell could not situate the bullet.
Turns out the steel springs in Garfield's bed rendered it useless. It's also unfortunate that his doctors weren't terribly familiar with the word "hygiene." Someday we'll be able to joke about it. But not today---after only 133 years, it's all still too raw.
Best weekend snark on TV.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Nice cool weekend coming up here---our cue to fire up the teevee for some quality couch time, starting tonight with
Rachel and then HBO's
Real Time, Bill Maher talks with Colin Powell, Wendell Pierce, Matthew Seagall, Joan Walsh, Rep. Jack Kingston. New
DVD releases include the deadly-serious remake of
Godzilla and the 30th anniversary (
Already??!!!) edition of
Ghostbusters. Your
baseball schedule is here and the NFL schedule is on indefinite suspension until they get their shit together. Sunday night includes
Boardwalk Empire and John Oliver's soon-to-win-an-Emmy
Last Week Tonight. (Gee, I wonder what that snarky Brit will have to talk about. Hmmm….)
On Bill Moyers & Company: 18-year-old Oregonian Kelsey Juliana, who is walking across America to draw attention to global warming. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Iraq War III discussion with Adm. Michael Mullen Former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI), Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT), Vali Nasr of the Johns Hopkins School of Advanced International Studies, and Michael Leiter, Former Director of the U.S. National Counterterrorism Center; Worthless anti-tax fuckwad Grover Norquist; Thomas Frank; Roundtable with John Stanton (Buzzfeed), Amy Walter (Cook), Ramesh Ponnuru (National Review) and Neera Tanden (CAP).
The asshole returneth.
Face the Nation: This weekend it's Bob Schieffer's turn to babysit Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI) while Kristi goes shopping. And look who's back to grace us with his hawky wisdom on what to do in Iraq War III: neocon turncoat and wrong-about-everything disgrace Joe Lieberman, the Very Seriousest of the Very Serious People. Plus: Hawky Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA); Ebola discussion with Dr. Jonathan LaPook (CBS News), and Dr. William Schaffner (Vanderbilt University Medical Center); roundtable with Jane Harman, Mike Morell and hawky hawk Robert Kagan.
This Week: Former SecDef Robert Gates hawks a book; Iraq war veterans Rep. Tammy Duckworth (D-Il) and Rep. Adam Kinzinger (R-Il) on Iraq War III; roundtable with James Carville, Ana Navarro, Bret Stephens and Katrina vanden Heuvel; Dr. Ezekiel Emanuel; filmmaker Rory Kennedy on her documentary “Last Days in Vietnam,”
CNN's State of the Union: Disgraced neocon Tony Blair is asked about his opinion on Iraq War III; NFL tut-tutting with CBS commentator and Hall of Famer Shannon Sharpe, former NFL player Izell Reese and USA Today sports columnist Christine Brennan; and Democrat-bashing with Newt Gingrich, Donna Brazile, Marc Lamont Hill and Tara Wall.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rep. Pete King (R-NY) and Rep. Adam Schiff (D-CA) on Iraq War III; Joe Trippi on the midterm elections and Karl Rove on how the Scottish election results are premature because not a single vote has been counted yet in Ohio; roundtable with George Will, Brit Hume, Julie Pace and Juan Williams.
Happy Viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 19, 2004
JEERS to staying hip. Global Language Monitor keeps tabs on word usage, and says "You're fired!" is now 2004's most popular TV slogan. It's followed by The Daily Show's "Mess O Potamia" and Arnold's "Girlie Men." Oh, fer cryin' out loud...I'm not done with "Is that your final answer" and "Talk to the hand" yet. Shazbot!
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And just one more…
CHEERS to shameless timber shivering. Avast, me hearrrrties! It's me...Captain Billybeard, swarthy fear-instiller of the deep blue kiddie pool. Today is the most blow-me-downest day of the year: Talk Like A Pirate Day. And arrrway we go…
Tesla Motors: "Take yerself for a spin in our new electric carrr!"
American worker: "Thanks to those greedy bastards on Wall Street, I may never get to retarrr!"
Voice Mail: "Sorry, but I'm currently out of the arrrfice…"
Obama briefs his new Pirate Czarrr.
Winston Churchill: "Let us therefore brace ourselves to our duties, and so bear ourselves, that if the British Empire and its Commonwealth last for a thousand years, men will still say, 'This was their finest arrr!'"
NASA: "Marrrrrs, bitches!"
Rapture Fanatic: "Prepare yourself for Arrrrrrmageddon."
Mayor Bill de Blasio: "Welcome to Central Paaaaark!"
Theatre Critic: "Don’t miss the revival of Arrr Town!"
Rory McIlroy: "Parrr!"
Democratic strategist: "Texas State Senator Wendy Davis is a rising starrr!"
Postal abbreviation of Bill Clinton's home state: AR
Congressman Louie Gohmert: "Ready! Farrr! Aim!"
Okay, that's all I got. Well, except to say: "Barrrr's open."
Have a nice last weekend of summer. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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