Little deaths ...
The first time I recall the concept of 'little death' was in Frank Herbert's book, Dune. He had this marvelous convention of beginning his chapters with a pithy quotation. This one appeared in the body of the chapter. On page 29, chapter one of that book, Frank Herbert wrote this gem, the Bene Gesserit Litany against Fear, as Paul is being tested with the gom jabbar:
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
I believe it was the first time I ever considered the idea of there being a magnitude parameter to death.
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The concept is on my mind very intensely tonight, because my youngest sister and her husband left here after a few way too short months to make their home anew in a faraway state. They moved here - to our great joy! - last December, in a little life experiment we were always determined to make successful. But, two or three months ago, they informed us they were moving back. They gave a few reasons, they gave some explanation, but there was nothing for us to do but accept the decision and wish them well. Enjoy their company the best we could in the time remaining, and … hard as it is, change our focus to the intensity of our own lives.
I understand, of course, that leave-taking is not dying. They are brilliantly and vibrantly alive, thank goodness. They can be emailed, they can be texted, they can be called, they can be face-timed … We are due to see them again during our family vacation near the end of January.
Like all of us, I have experienced the devastation of the death of a loved one, where they can no longer be hugged, touched, seen, heard, in the familiar ways. The void is absolute, no appeal, no easy recourse, no simple alternative. And as badly as their leaving hurts, it is not like that. The joy of their continued existence is still there, the knowledge that it is possible to see them again in person if it is really important, even though it would cost a bit.
And, yet, in its way, there is a ‘little death,’ too, tonight. A perfectly genuine, unmistakable grieving.
My dear sister is 13 years younger than I. When she was still very young I went to study in Germany for a year. My parents asked if she remembered me, since it had been a year since she saw me. She nodded, looked upward toward the skies, and said: LEGS! (Even then I was taller than my father, who was 6’.) Apparently her clearest impression of me was of my height. ::smile::
And for the most part I never lived at home again, at least, until my Mom was approaching the end of her life, and by then my little sister was married and off on her own. So these last months have been the opportunity we never had to spend a lot of quality time together and get to know each other, day in and day out, as adults, even a bit along in age.
Now that time has ended. I told her a few days ago:
The last four years have been scary. Our brother faced an illness that could have taken his life, I had the very bad bicycle crash, and really, that fall on the mountain (when hiking with her several weeks ago) could have been far worse ... three close calls in four years. It's pretty clear we're not going to live forever. Any of us. It's likely that these days are the last ones of our lives when we can just walk next door and see each other anytime. That is very, very hard for me.
I suppose that is why, tonight, there is such a heaviness to the sense of ending, to the ‘little death’ aspect of it.
There are many things on my mind these days, quite a few of them diary-worthy, quite a few of them AGGRAVATING me toward diariage. But, tonight, my heart is breaking a little, as it travels slowly westward across this wide country, to not be here anymore. Right next door.
Hug your family members close, and savor their company every moment. Friends, too.
Thanks for reading.
::hugs Ben tight::
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From Pluto:
susakinovember commenting about politicians and their fund-raising efforts totally cracked me up. From Chico David RN's My "unsubscribe" binge today"
From brillig:
Out of Hunter's George Zimmerman worries that if FBI agents come, 'he's probably gonna shoot a few of them'? comes this find by quiet in NC and the reply by Joffan.
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1) Bernie explains why people are turned off by Dallasdoc — 169
2) One of the points that Bernie makes eloquently by Phoebe Loosinhouse — 142
3) I've been added to 20 e-mail lists that by slinkerwink — 139
4) The Post is being very consistent by pollbuster — 136
5) Obama Lost Every Age Group Older Than Late 30's. by Gooserock — 130
6) alas, many of the anti-science ideologues here by Lenny Flank — 116
7) Sanders has my vote by flowerfarmer — 110
8) I just figured they shared with each other by Chico David RN — 96
9) Please report that to the Park Service by Denise Oliver Velez — 73
10) There's a reason people are disengaged by Dallasdoc — 72
11) Neo-Confederate Republican News by Denise Oliver Velez — 72
12) #sekritarmy just keeps on rolling. by jwinIL14 — 72
13) There must always be another one worse and more by LaFeminista — 69
14) If you vote for what you want by Dallasdoc — 68
15) The Post is just demonstrating its pro-life by middleagedhousewife — 67
16) If the only person saying the right things by Phoebe Loosinhouse — 66
17) Howard Dean was always a centrist by Dallasdoc — 64
18) Some of the pics from Japan by jayden — 64
19) If you were politically aware in 2003, Howard by importer — 63
20) Sekritarmy : A day in the life by arizonablue — 62
21) The Confederacy in Montana by Ojibwa — 60
22) Ever vigilant!! by The Marti — 60
23) Oh Hai Whoknu! In Sekritarmy All Action Is Local: by leonard145b — 60
24) sekritarmy fashion police by kerflooey — 59
25) Definitely Clashing - Time For New Stylist... by leonard145b — 58
26) Sounds strangely familiar… by DeadHead — 58
27) Civilly disobedient cat stages a sit-in. by carolanne — 58
28) Mark, what's happening in the media is now... by bobswern — 57
29) And here you can see by Simplify — 57
30) LOL! "You Know You're Not Supposed To Be On..." by leonard145b — 55
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