I read a book this past year that took place in the 1830's. It was about capitalism, slavery and, to a certain extent, what happened in a county when fear and racial anxieties met a mob mentality. In case you're wondering: The result was violence, restlessness and lawlessness. Sound familiar? I know. It shouldn't - but I bet it does. To be honest, I hadn't really planned on reading the book. I thought I'd sort of skim through it; I'm ashamed to say I don't read much non-fiction and when I do, it's pretty much never about anything having to do with history or race. But once I started reading, I couldn't put it down. Partly because it was a good read, but mostly because while I was reading it, I kept thinking, "I can't believe this really happened" and at the same time thinking, "Something like this could completely happen now."
From time to time my older daughter would ask me what the book was about. I would try to explain it to her, but when I found myself heading into the topic of racism, I'd freeze up. I wasn't sure what to say or how to say it, so I avoided the subject. Months later, the events in Ferguson unfolded.
These events are still unfolding as I write this. And every day that I read what's going on, how it's being handled, how the masses are reacting, I think about the book I read and the parallels I can draw between the two situations. I think about how so many people are doing exactly what I'd been doing with my own kid: avoiding the subject of racism. Because talking about racism and the fact that tensions between black people and white people are not that different now than they were in the 1830s is terrifying and embarrassing. I'm embarrassed: embarrassed by our collective silence on the subject. So, I decided I needed to stop being silent and start a conversation with my oldest daughter about racism.
I thought long and hard before starting the conversation. I thought about how it would go, what I would say..... Of course in the end - as is so often the case with conversations between parents and children - no matter how much I prepared, I wasn't prepared. In the end, less turned out to be more. Here's how it went down:
Me: So. Do you know anything about what's going on in a place called Ferguson?
Her: Is that the place you keep reading about on your iPad?
Me: You read over my shoulder too much - ya know that? But, yes.
Her: People look really upset and hurt in the pictures. Why?
Me: Good question. Because a young black man was killed by a police officer when he shouldn't have been.
Her: WHY??? Because he was black!??
Me: Well, the police officer - and well, a lot of other people would say no - but... well... yeah…….pretty much.
Her: I thought white people hurting black people was all over. Like, once they were given rights - they were treated equal.
Me: That's supposed to be the case. But just because that's the law – uh, it's like rules in school - you're supposed to follow them, but not everyone does.
Her: I can't believe that's not true. We should all be treated the same. It doesn't matter if we aren't the same color. We're all the same. Inside. We are all the same. Why can't everyone see that? Why doesn't everyone follow those rules?!
Me: I don't know how to explain this to you. How do I explain what a racist bigot is?
Her: A WHAT?!
Me: Someone who doesn't like black people. Sometimes someone who doesn't like anyone who is at all different from them for that matter. That's a bigot. Do you know what a racist is?
Her: Yeah. We learned that in school last year. Someone who doesn't like people of a different race. But we're all the human race, so that doesn't even make sense.
Me: Good point. Too bad everyone doesn't think like that.
Her: Why don't they? Can you tell me?
Me: Not really. I mean, I want to - but I don't know how because it doesn't make any sense to me. I mean I could get into the history of our country and all...
Her: From the book you read, but couldn't explain to me?
Me: Ha. Well, yes. And from school and other books. But I don't think that's what you're asking me, is it?
Her: No - I'm asking why it's happening NOW.
Me: Oof. Well, partly because people don't want to talk about why it's happening now. Partly because people are afraid - have been taught to be afraid of black people - and then that fear makes them act horribly and treat people horribly. Does that make sense?
Her: No.
Me: How can I explain this to you?
Her: I don't know.
Me: How do I explain most things to you?
Her: Well, uh... when you're upset about something you use a lot of grown-up words.
Me: True. Crap. Sorry. Don't use those.
Her: Mooooommmmm, I know! I don't. Come on.
Me: How else do I explain things?
Her: I don't know, you just do. And sometimes I don't get it, but then I do.
Me: Do you think you there is a way you can get this?
Her: No.
Me: Me either.
Her: So, like, can we just keep talking about it then? Like will you tell me stuff that happens and maybe you can tell me if I can help?
Me: Yeah. Of course. I can do that.
So there ya have it. It wasn't much of a TALK so much as a dialogue we opened. A dialogue I plan on keeping open. Because right now, that's the best I can think to do other than going post ballistic on Facebook. But I want to do more. I joke all the time that my littlest girl is my "White Baby" because she has blonde hair and blue eyes and pale pink skin.
She's a stark contrast to the older one and myself and I've been asked several times if I'm her babysitter. But of course, both my kids are white and both their parents are white. A fact that over the last few weeks has become harder and harder for me not to think about.
Like any mother, I worry about my kids and their future. I worry about who they will turn out to be, how they will treat other people and of course, about their safety. What I DON’T worry about is police gunning them down in the street, leaving them there like animals and then concocting far-fetched stories justifying the assassination.
Let’s take it back a bit before I get on my high, white-colored horse. I don't worry about them getting pulled over for no reason and I don't worry about them being treated differently due to the color of their skin. That's my privilege and I have to acknowledge it. It SHOULDN'T be a privilege that only white people are afforded, but it is. And if you think it's not, you're sticking your head in the sand and it's time to take it out. Because while I don't worry about those things for my own children, I worry about them for the children of my friends, for my children's classmates, for the kids and parents I see in passing every day that I don’t even know. I can't comprehend what goes through the minds of these parents when they look at their beautiful, innocent, smart and funny children and have to contemplate all the ways their lives will be different than children who look like mine.
I can't comprehend the insurmountable pain and anguish that Lesley McSpadden or Sybrina Fulton have endured having lost their sons. I can't comprehend it, but I need to talk about it. We as a NATION need to talk about it. People often use the phrase "color blind" or say things like, "I don't see color." But if you can see, you DO see color and saying you don't is often a way of trying to seem like you aren't racist. But denying that the ideology of race exists whatsoever is in fact racism in its most insidious form. As far as I can tell, it's also a way of completely negating the black experience, which is certainly nothing new in this country. I mean, it seems easy for a white person to say they don't see color. It also seems to me that's just another way to NOT talk about racism since it's basically a way to shut down a conversation about it. And although I don't presume that I can finally spark a nationwide, honest and open conversation about race, as a parent, I can start one with my children.
I'm not saying that nothing has changed since the 1830s, but things haven't changed as much as we’d like to think and certainly, not as much as they should have.
It shouldn't take a tremendous explosion of violence where people who consider themselves upstanding citizens (people like police, per se) make judgments based on speculation and then act out of fear to make us start talking.
Because that's a direct parallel to what happened in the book I read. And that's what just happened in Ferguson. And that's what can - and will continue to happen all over if something doesn't change. RACISM IS A LEARNED RESPONSE. But our kids don't have to learn it if that's not what we teach them. And we can start teaching when we start talking. It's that black and white.
Peace out,
-C
* If you want to read the book I read - and you should - you can grab a copy here: http://www.ugapress.org/... here:
www.amazon.com/Flush-Times-Fever-Dreams-Capitalism/dp/0820333263 or here:
http://www.target.com/...