From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Wednesday Margaret and Helen Blogging
When last we checked in with the blogosphere's feistiest pair of lefty octogenarians, they were calling out the Republican candidate in the Texas governor's race for getting a $10 million settlement after he sued the owner of an oak tree that fell on him, but then turned around and used his official positions to deny the same legal recourse to other Texans in similar situations. The hypocrisy is so thick it prompted a tough new ad from the Wendy Davis campaign.
Now Margaret and Helen are calling out Abbott again…for his ridiculous assertion about the looming catastrophe of gay marriage coming soon to the Lone Star State:
Freshly retrofitted with
12-inch pie cannons.
Yesterday, Abbott argued that the state’s ban on same sex marriage would reduce the number of babies born out of wedlock. Evidently, heterosexuals won’t have unprotected sex as long as Ellen and Portia can’t file jointly in Texas on the off chance they move here. Thank goodness because I had given up on the idea that heterosexuals would ever get on the condom band wagon. Bless his heart. Abbott can’t help being stupid, but he could have stayed home.
You know, my generation remained pretty quiet on the subject of homosexuality---mainly because we didn’t talk about such things. … So why am I speaking up now? Well, I found out a few years ago that Margaret has a gay nephew and more recently that I have a gay grandson. So maybe it’s time I stopped letting social etiquette stand in the way of civil rights.
Mr. Abbott, you are a hate filled idiot who is about as useful as a milk bucket under a bull. … And for the record, if you have an issue with gay marriage, don’t get married to a gay person.
And if you don’t want another idiot as Governor of Texas, don’t vote for Greg Abbott. Vote for Wendy Davis. She knows where babies come from. I mean it. Really.
Read
the whole thing here. And be thankful their battleship is on our side.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Note: Today is the start of the annual Rub Your Shoes On The Carpet And Then Touch Your Cat's Nose With Your Finger season. Or as emergency rooms call it: finger reattachment season. (Now covered by Obamacare!)
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10 Days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Halloween and the day Rick Perry's criminal trial starts:
16
Days 'til the
Something Wicked Festival in Houston:
10
Average American's waistline in, respectively, 1999 and 2012:
37.6" / 38.8"
(Source:
The Week)
Increase in adult diaper sales between 2009 and 2013:
20%
Decline in baby diapers during that same time:
8%
(Source:
The Wall Street Journal)
Years Paul Shaffer has been David Letterman's bandleader:
27
MLB Championship Playoffs
San Francisco Giants lead the St. Louis Cardinals 2 games to 1
Kansas City Royals lead the Baltimore Orioles 3 games to 0
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 183 (including 3 Occults and 1 Utterly Exasperated Mike Huckabee). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Delay of game
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CHEERS to spanking your children. Republican Judge Richard Posner of the Seventh Circuit Court of Appeals was once a supporter of Voter ID laws, but he's done a complete about-face and now he's unleashing a rhetorical fireball of righteous fury at his own party. Looking like the love child of former Washington Post columnist David Broder and Laugh-In's Henry Gibson, Judge Posner's dissent in the recent Wisconsin case (overturned last week by the Supreme Court) blows buckshot all through the hull of the SS GOP Voter Suppression. A sample of his beefs:
I think this is
Judge Posner.
>> "There is only one motivation for imposing burdens on voting that are ostensibly designed to discourage voter-impersonation fraud, if there is no actual danger of such fraud, and that is to discourage voting by persons likely to vote against the party responsible for imposing the burdens."
>> "As there is no evidence that voter-impersonation fraud is a problem, how can the fact that a legislature says it's a problem turn it into one? If the Wisconsin legislature says witches are a
problem, shall Wisconsin courts be permitted to conduct witch trials?"
Excellent analogy, Judge, but please…don’t give 'em any ideas.
CHEERS to letters from the C&J mailbag:
Dear Taliban in Pakistan,
Hello! We hope you're enjoying the fall colors and the fresh cool breezes as the year begins to wind down. How are your blueberry crops looking this year? Ours have been BERRY good. Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!
I'm afraid I'm writing you with tragic news. Apparently the teenage target of your October 9, 2012 assassination attempt, Malala Yousafzai, won the Nobel Peace Prize last week. She's committed to the education and empowerment of women and the whole world adores her and looks forward to watching her grow up to be a sterling example of compassionate and fact-based leadership in the world.
You, on the other hand, did not win the Nobel Peace Prize last week, because you're just a bunch of clueless misogynistic male warmongers who hate everyone and everything except your guns and your penises. I'd say you're exactly like our Republican menfolk, except their brains at least have evolved to the eighteenth century while yours are still stuck in the twelfth.
In conclusion: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Idiots!!!!!
Sincerely,
BiPM
Delivered via drone, along with a hailstorm of shoes.
JEERS to America's #1 pubic-hair-on-Coke-cans expert. Twenty-four years ago today, in 1991, Clarence Thomas was confirmed by the Senate 52 to 48, making him the Supreme Court's first justice with a neatly-catalogued porn collection (#1 on his list:
The Adventures of Bad Mama Jama). Today he sits on his fat ass all day, an aging, bitter, overweight pervert who hollers at the world the way Grampa Simpson hollers at clouds. Oh my god---that makes him my soulmate.
CHEERS to kickin' it---hai!!!---Barack Obama-style. Not only has he successfully prodded Putin to pull his troops back from Ukraine, but the 44th president is also making more progress with Iran than any
president in post-Shah history:
"Yes, President Rouhani. We're all glad
John McCain isn't behind this desk."
Iranian President Hassan Rouhani said on Monday a nuclear deal with the West was bound to happen and he believed it could be achieved by a November 24 deadline.
"We have reached consensus on generalities and there are only the fine details to be worked out: whether we would reach an agreement within the next 40 days, if the time will be extended, etc.," the president told his people in a late evening address broadcast live on television. […] "We will not return to the situation a year ago. The world is tired and wants it to end, resolved through negotiations," he said.
Congress doesn’t have to vote on it, right? Please dear god somebody tell me Congress
doesn't have to vote on it.
JEERS to Christmas wishes denied. Sorry to break it to ya, kids, but if "Sears Swastika ring" is on your list for Santa Claus, you're gonna need a Plan B:
Well, that would break the ice at parties.
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After a third-party listing for a men’s “Thai silver Swastika ring” popped up on Sears’ online Marketplace, the company has pulled the “punk rock style” jewelry and has been busy apologizing to upset customers for selling it in the first place.
In response to customers outraged over the Nazi jewelry, Sears tweeted individual responses to apologize and assure people that it didn’t mean to sell swastika fashions. “We certainly understand the upset and regret this occurred. The vendor is being reviewed and the item removed,” Sears said in one, via the Washington Times.
More bad news: Sears also announced that they're no longer offering
Eva Braun's Malibu Dream Bunker and the
"My Little Pony Invades Poland" play set. Hey, don’t shoot me, kids, I'm just the messenger.
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Five years ago in C&J: October 15, 2009
CHEERS to getting sacked. I was so hoping that our dear friend Rush Limbaugh would be able to fulfill his dream of purchasing a sporting franchise in the greater St. Louis area. Sadly, no one in the NFL seems to understand the competitive passions of the racist, misogynist, homophobic, America-bashing drug addict. So it's
Ixnay on the Ushray for the Amsray. C&J is saddened by the news, but at least we can take heart knowing that his
Nobel Peace Prize nomination is still in front of the committee. Specifically, stapled to their dart board in the commissary.
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And just one more…
A month after getting Grace Bedell's
letter, Abe Lincoln turned Badass.
CHEERS to good advice. Possibly the cutest story in American politics. A hundred and fifty-four years ago, on October 15, 1860, an eleven year-old girl named Grace Bedell put quill to parchment and suggested to candidate Abraham Lincoln that he might win the election more easily if he dropped the innocent boy-next-door look and
whiskered up:
I have yet got four brothers and part of them will vote for you any way and if you let your whiskers grow I will try and get the rest of them to vote for you you would look a great deal better for your face is so thin. All the ladies like whiskers and they would tease their husbands to vote for you and then you would be President. My father is going to vote for you and if I was a man I would vote for you to but I will try to get every one to vote for you that I can.
As they say, the rest is history. By the way, during his presidency---you can look it up---Lincoln went through exactly four score and seven beard combs. Eerie.
P.S. Bedell's letter reminds me that not a single woman was legally able to cast a vote for Lincoln, or any candidate until Harding in 1920. America: land of the free, home of the pokey.
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"There are some interesting Democrats that are making sounds of throwing the hat in the ring. So I want to be fair to everybody. But we are rather predisposed to being Bill in Portland Maine supporters."
---George Takei
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