Since its Friday, most won’t believe you when calling in sick without a really good excuse. Well thanks to a well developed slacker’s imagination, here’s one most should be too frighten to question.
It was late last night and the pantry was empty of munchies. Panicked, it was necessary somebody make a munchie run before all the stores closed. Damn it, too late! Unfortunately, the only food available within walking distance was a Mac Donald’s drive-thru. Having seen Morgan Spurlock’s Super Size Me, a Big Mac seemed like an unhealthy choice, even for someone jonesing for a Twinkie.
Still, it pays to live right, because right there on the corner was a dark skinned, heavily African accented chap, selling exotic street food at an unbelievable price. He was practically giving it away. While the meat did carry a particularly odd aroma, a tough texture and a gamey taste, (not at all like chicken as advertised), the price was right and a case of the munchies had blurred better judgement. The munchies can do that to some people.
However, with each bite, chew and eventual swallow, it slowly became apparent, something was horrible wrong. And it didn’t take much longer to figure out what it was. Marinaded Monkey Meat and Boiled Bat Balls was the only selections on his menu. You got it, WTF?
By now it was already too late. Its funny how differently life looks when you’re starring up at the night sky, writhing in abdominal pain. Suddenly, the street vendor looked as though he was in poor health too. Why didn’t his perfuse perspiration, his shaky hands, his weak stance, his pained expression and complaint of having a severe headache trigger an alarm. It was only when his puke bucket beneath the small counter space came into view, that the idea of this person being reported to the health department was considered.
It took hours to stumble and stagger home in the dark. Begging strangers for help along the way, it was obvious most New Yorkers had gotten the memo. “If you see someone showing signs of Ebola, don’t get close, don’t let them get close to you, don’t try to help, and don’t even call for help, because nobody knows what to do anyway.” Contacting the CDC was useless, as the only advise they shared was to avoid eating Monkey Meat and Bat Balls no matter how they're prepared.
Don’t worry, in the interest of public safety, temperatures will be monitored and a self imposed quarantine will remain in effect until the all clear is given by our in house Witch Doctor. Anyone paying attentions to the news lately, knows you can’t trust hospitals these days. C-Ya Monday. Maybe!