Firstly I just want to get this off my chest. It bugs me so I'm starting right off with it. And I'll be the first to admit that I may very well be reading restaurant language wrong. I don't know. I'll have to make it a point to ask my server the next time I go to a restaurant that has wine glasses on the table...
"Oh, what a nice place I'm glad you chose it."
"I knew you would like it, and the food is fantastic."
"OK, ladies if you come with me I'll take you to your table."
"This is lovely."
"And your server will be with you momentarily."
Thirty seconds to a minute later our server comes to our table to take our drink order.
"Hello my name is Stephanie and I'll be your server tonight. May I start you off with a cocktail or drink?"
"Yes I believe I'll start off with a Sapphire and tonic."
And as soon as I give my drink order they whisk the wine glasses away, as if I offended them somehow. I just sat down, I don't know what I want to eat, let alone make a decision about wine. When they take the wine glass away like that I don't order wine, even if I wanted a glass. I don't get it.
I mean are you supposed to say immediately when the server comes over, that you may be having wine? Are those wine glasses just for show, and when you sit down the show is over? Why don't they just keep the wine glasses in a clean space somewhere else?
Maybe next time I'll let the server take the glass away. Then when I order the entree. I'll order a glass of wine, so they have to bring the wine glass back. But there's a 99% chance I won't order wine.
But like I say, on this issue I may be restaurant illiterate.
“One should always be drunk. That's all that matters...But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk.”
Charles Baudelaire
Great advice Chuck, unless of course you're at a restaurant.
What is it about wine that turns every restaurant into a 7-Eleven? Actually 7-Eleven is more fair with regard to pricing.
What brought all this on was a couple weeks ago I was binge watching a show called Check Please. I watched episodes of Check Please Arizona, San Francisco, the Bay area, Seattle, and Chicago.
If you've never heard of that show, it's an half hour PBS program where three unknown people from their respective cities talk about their favorite restaurants. One person will suggest a place and the other two will check it out. And they discuss their experiences at each restaurant. But my favorite aspect of the show is when one person loves a place and someone else hates it. The San Francisco episodes are by far the most entertaining in that respect.
Here's an example of an episode with a very famous, yet slightly unknown, famous person, at that time:
And you don't have to watch the show too long before you hear some of the same sentences over and over again. Some examples are:
Fantastic wine menu.
Superb wine menu.
Largest wine cellar in the city.
Award winning wine collection.
Ah, wine. Wine.
Simply put, why is wine so expensive at a restaurant? I almost never order it when I go out to eat. I'm not begrudging a restaurant a profit but come on. When I see a bottle of wine on a restaurant menu listed at $30.00 knowing I bought it for $8.00 at Trader Joe's it makes me say I'll have a Stella. I know there is a mark up on mixed drinks and beer, but with them it seems less egregious.
My friend and I were talking and he said, "That's where the restaurants make their money." And I know it's true, but they don't make it from me. And I can't believe I'm the only person that thinks this way. In fact one of the guests on the Check Please show said the same thing.
For a restaurant to make a profit, the rule is take the cost of an entree and multiply that figure times three and add a bit. But with wine you have no labor cost. Well OK, someone has to cork the wine, big deal.
Then my friend said, (by the way his name is Kevin). It's a quick easy way for a restaurant to make money because with one bottle you've paid for the meal.
But, I have a problem, when you go past a restaurant that is always hopping and packed, are you telling me they can't make a profit from their food? What's wrong with them? What are they doing wrong? And what about the restaurants that serve no alcohol and make money hand over fist? What are they doing right? I think that's just an excuse. That's just the way it's done, so we're doing it too.
What about restaurants with award winning wine cellars, with prices that reach into the thousands? That can't be about making a profit. How many people go into a restaurant and order the most expensive bottle of wine, every day? Kevin says there's two different things going on. One is the restaurant in question is catering to people with fuck you money. They want everyone to go to their place, but they really want the people with fuck you money. Secondly, it's an investment. Some restaurant owners look upon that aspect of their industry as a sideline. When he said that immediately I thought of a caper movie. Oceans Chateauneuf-du-Pape 1969. I'd watch that.
Now there was a restaurant that was featured in one of the Check Please episodes I watched that understood this. The owner got it. Forgive me but I can't remember the name of the restaurant, or what city it was in. But near the hostess station there was a wine rack with a selection of $20.00 bottles that people could choose from. So if you did want wine with your meal, but didn't want to go to the bank and refinance your house to do it, you could purchase those. And there were some restaurants that were BYOB. The owners of those restaurants deciding not to compete in that particular race.
Like I said I don't begrudge a person from making a profit. But with wine, they've got to at least meet me at the water's edge. But yet I do remember at one time I went to one of my favorite haunts and bought a bottle of champagne to drink, it was quite reasonable though. It costs something in the neighborhood of $20.00. As you might suspect that was quite a while ago. I do like to go out to eat, and I like wine. I just don't mix the two.
I think if it was any other product sold there would be congressional hearings concerning price gouging, but it's wine so, whatever. If pressed I'd say restaurants charge the price they do for wine because they can. I don't buy this profit business.
Now onto my other gripe, restaurants these days.
How come all of a sudden every restaurant is obsessed with over easy or poached eggs? Really do you guys buy this? I can't stand eggs. I hate them. They make me gag. But that's beside the point. Some of these restaurants can't seem to make anything without putting an egg on top of it. Where did this come from? No I don't want an egg on my chicken Kiev, or my burger, or my hot fudge sundae. I don't believe for a second it has anything to do with taste, (the bite). I think it has more to do with...How can we charge ten more dollars for this meal? Lets take a 00.13 ingredient and turn it into a $20.00 entree. I'm sorry but that's how I feel about it.
I used to get excited and intrigued when I heard words like: organic, free range, locally sourced. Well fair enough. But now you can see when a chef or a restaurant owner says that, they are just seeing dollar signs. It's like they're hypnotized. I assume you have chairs to sit on, and tables, and silverware as well?
I always wanted to have a restaurant, and when Kevin and I were talking about this I said I know how I would open a restaurant. I wouldn't. I would open a bar or pub that sold just a few bar item foods. Then in the kitchen I would make delicious things, but not sell it. It would be like, "What's that I smell back there?" "Oh, we're making some roasted chicken, but just for us. We have to be here all day and we get hungry too."
"Can I try some?" "Oh I don't know, you may not like it." "Try me." You know, make people think it was their idea. And after that. When you know you have a good loyal clientele that's when you start the restaurant in earnest. But even then, I would have a menu that changes daily. One appetizer, one entree, one dessert.
It's the idea of taking it all the way back to when restaurants, or roadside inns started in the first place. There would be one dinner being served. That's it. My philosophy would be...Look if you want to go to an over priced, hip, noisy place. Go ahead, take your pick. But this is what we're doing today. Salad, beef stew, and apple pie. Except my place would be hip.
When I told that to Kevin he said that it's actually a thing now in France. He said there's a movement, a backlash. A complete rejection of the Michelin Star chasing nonsense. Hopefully that trend will start here.
I do go out to eat and I enjoy myself, but I do think that there are a lot of restaurants these days that are full of it. And a lot of them do end up being flash in the pans, smile. Generally those restaurants die because they have a disdain for their patrons, so it's rewarding when they are put out of our misery. Unfortunately some of our favorite unpretentious places die to. And it's sad to see them go.
The best place in Tempe, or the Phoenix area I found for pizza is very small, and doesn't advertise much. And it has quite an unassuming name, Classic Pizza. The first time I saw it I was shopping with my mom. We looked at the sign and rolled our eyes. We contemplated the horror inside the place. But then I did some research and read some reviews. Afterwards a friend and I ate there and it is wonderful. I've been back several times. So you can't judge a book. If you live in the Tempe area it used to be on Baseline and Rural opposite of Whole Foods. That's when I went. Now it's moved to Guadalupe and McClintock by Trader Joe's, and next to Changing Hands Bookstore. I haven't been to the new location, maybe during the holidays. One review I read said it's just like going to Pizzeria Bianco but without the 3 hour wait. I just love those cozy little places you find that have delicious food. And I think I actually ordered a glass or two of wine there.
I like the show Check Please. But a lot of people nominate big trendy places that take up all the oxygen in the room. I just wish more people would use the opportunity to nominate small restaurants that would otherwise not get as much attention.
“What wine goes with Captain Crunch?”
George Carlin
Well George, speaking from my experience with popcorn, I would have to say champagne, but at home. Not at a restaurant. Then again, who orders Captain Crunch at a restaurant?