From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
I Give Up
Okay, fine. I'm now willing to believe that Ebola is the #1 threat to the American homeland. You can get it through bodily fluids, shoelaces and sunspots. You can get it from touching a doorknob, boiling a potato, talking on the phone, looking at a map of Africa or living on the same continent as Dallas. Ebola flies through the air, tunnels under the earth, swims across the ocean and replicates itself via 3D printers halfway around the world. Everybody in America has Ebola. Ebola hides under the bed. Ebola is our master. It rules the universe. It is God's punishment for Benghazi. It is in our beer.
And if Clippy ever popped up
on your screen, you have ebola.
I'm willing to believe President Obama personally brought Ebola to the United States on Air Force One and it's now living in the White House. Ebola is going to take over our homes, our churches (prepare yourself for same-sex Ebola marriage), our factories and our money supply. Any election won by a Democrat is really an election won by Ebola. America will soon be run by illegal immigrants thanks to Ebola. The head of the CDC is just Ebola in a lab coat. Ebola will pave the way for a Russian invasion, but not before it releases all the Guantanamo prisoners (who all have Ebola). And of course Ebola is going to take away our guns.
I'm willing to believe that only for-profit Jeb Bush-run charter schools, fracking, elimination of the IRS and deep-sea oil drilling can protect us from Ebola. Tax cuts, tort reform and mandatory transvaginal ultrasounds will weaken Ebola. But nothing will kill it until we elect Ted Cruz president in 2016.
I'm willing to believe that anyone returning from west Africa who tests negative for Ebola is lying, and they should all be shrink-wrapped and launched into space.
Yes, Republicans, I'm willing to "believe" all this bullshit and more. You convinced me. I'm sold. Now will you please…shut…the fuck…up.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Ebola!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Note: The only way to stop a bad werewolf with a gun loaded with silver bullets is a good werewolf with a gun loaded with silver bullets. In either case, be prepared to duck.
---Your Evil Friends at the NRA
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3 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Days of the Dead:
3
Days 'til the
Peter Anderson Festival in Ocean Springs, Mississippi:
3
Percent of GDP the 2014 deficit will eat up:
2.8%
Average percent of GDP the deficit ate up during Reagan's presidency:
4%
(Source:
The Wall Street Journal)
Percent by which men's starting salaries are higher than women's among Carnegie Mellon business school graduates:
7.6%
(Source:
The Week)
Cost of Neiman Marcus's
"fragrance journey," an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris to design your own perfume with a master perfumer, and having it preserved in 14k gold bottles:
$475,000
Major League World Series Game 6
Kansas City Royals 10 San Francisco Giants 0
(The Series is tied 3 games apiece.)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 181 (including 5 plagues and 1 very bad demon-possessed driver). Soul Protection Factor 666 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Future protector and server
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CHEERS to NASA. I figure they could use a few good vibes sent their way after last night's explosion of the Antares rocket during liftoff in Virginia. Even though it was unmanned, I admit I experienced some Challenger-flashback shakes as I watched it live online:
RIP
Antares Rocket
Mark Kelly, a former NASA astronaut, explained that the colossal fire was to be expected. "It takes a lot of propellant to take a spacecraft of that size moving 25 times the speed of sound," Kelly told CNN, explaining how fast the rocket should have gone on its way to the space station. "So when it fails, it's usually pretty catastrophic."
Afterward, the launch director said on NASA's feed that all personnel were accounted for and that no injuries were reported.
The craft was supposed to take fresh supplies to the International Space Station. Looks like it's gonna be a diet of ramen noodles up there for a bit.
Hint: Worst. Santa. Ever.
JEERS to this morning's exciting new quiz show. Welcome to
Guess That Idiot's Middle Name!!! It's easy to play---all you have to do is guess the middle name of that redneck homophobe who unleashed a torrent of anti-gay slurs and
attacked a man inside a terminal at Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport last week before passengers and TSA agents could take him down. While you're thinking about that, read this and hum the
Jeopardy theme in your head:
The drunk redneck whose vicious anti-gay assault at the Dallas airport was captured on a video that rocketed around the world has been charged with misdemeanor assault and probably faces at most, a $1000 fine.
If you guessed that violent, unrepentant, smirking bigot attacker McCleish Benham's middle name is
Christmas, then congratulations! You
win the trophy!!! (But I'm putting an asterisk next to your name, anyway, for suspected steroid use.)
JEERS to the idiot who's two heartbeats away from the presidency. Ladies and gentlemen, Speaker of the House John Boehner:
Boehner, without his spray-on tan.
"When you look at this chaos that’s going on, does anybody think that Vladimir Putin would have gone into Crimea had George W. Bush been president of the United States? No! Even Putin is smart enough to know that Bush would have punched him in the nose in about 10 seconds."
Silly Boehner. So wrong. He's clearly forgotten the Bush Doctrine: if a person attacks you, retaliate by punching a different person in the nose. (Spoiler Alert: if Russia had annexed Crimea, New Zealand would now be our 51st state.)
CHEERS to the fed-up female. On October 29, 1966, the National Organization for Women (NOW) was formed to help reduce the extent to which men act like pigs:
Happyy anniversary.
We are the grassroots arm of the women’s movement. The National Organization for Women is the largest organization of feminist activists in the United States. NOW has hundreds of thousands of contributing members and more than 500 local and campus affiliates in all 50 states and the District of Columbia. Since our founding in 1966, NOW’s goal has been “to take action” to bring about equality for all women. Both the actions NOW takes and its position on the issues are principled, uncompromising and often ahead of their time. NOW is a leader, not a follower, of public opinion.
We completely agree. But as usual, ladies, I'm still gonna open the door for ya today.
JEERS to Zombie Bowles and Zombie Simpson! Ugh. I thought we'd put that craptacular spectacle behind us, but no. The Washington Post notes that Republicans are suddenly hailing themselves as the Great Protectorate of the Social Safety Net (funny how that always happens at election time but never any other time), and they actually have the balls to criticize Team Democrat for supporting it:
Trying to paint Dems as the anti-
Social Security party? Nice try.
Once venerated in both parties as a good-faith proposal, the Bowles-Simpson plan calls for political compromise to rein in the $17.9 trillion national debt, which was dangerously elevated by the recent recession. Republicans would raise taxes, the theory goes, in exchange for Democrats cutting health and retirement spending. […]
Both Crossroads GPS and NRCC, the party’s campaign arm for House races, have cited Democrats’ support for Bowles-Simpson as the basis of their charges on Social Security, though many Republicans---including Rove---have criticized President Obama for failing to support the Bowles-Simpson package.
Two things come to mind: 1) In 2011 the Bowles-Simpson package was
shot down by the original bipartisan "Supercommittee", and in 2012 Republicans rejected it
in a House vote because it
didn't cut Social Security enough. And 2) As with the NRA, Democrats who support Draconian conservative budget ideas like Bowles-Simpson will get us nothing but a kick in the teeth in return. Let's learn that lesson one day, shall we?
CHEERS to the most trusted name in news (well, besides Cronkite and Maddow). On October 29, 1911, Joseph Pulitzer died at 64 aboard his yacht in Charleston, South Carolina, thus ending the life of the "yellow journalism" publisher who was dedicated to looking out for the little guy (if loudly and sensationalistically):
My Pooplitzer prototype.
Previously the press usually spoke for the establishment and moneyed interests, but this new strain of journalism supported labor, attacked trusts and monopolies, and exposed scandal, fraud and corruption, both public and private.
At a time when journalism was not considered a respectable way of earning a living, Pulitzer was committed to raising the standards of the profession.
Today the best and the brightest in journalism are celebrated with the coveted "Pulitzer," which comes in a lovely velvet display case. And when I depart this earth I still plan to leave behind a foundation that will recognize the most dimwitted and dishonest. I'm calling it the "Pooplitzer" and it'll come in a lovely doggie-doo bag. The inaugural Pooplitzer ceremony will make history---it'll be the first time the world ever hears the words, "And the winner is: Fox News."
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Five years ago in C&J: October 29, 2009
CHEERS to Christmas in October. You must've cleaned your plate last night because today Santa Pelosi is gonna let you unwrap your very own House version of healthcare reform!!! It's an EZ Bake Oven, Cabbage Patch Doll, GI Joe (with kung-fu grip), Spirograph and Tickle Me Elmo all rolled into one---and for being such a good boy or girl, you even get a fairly robust government option, too! But you can't play with it just yet. Nope, not until half the people in your extended family---and a majority of the crabby Senator family next door---vote to give it to you. Until then, here: have a pet rock. [10/29/14 Update: No public option for you, after all. More like a lump of coal.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to simple solutions to non-existent problems. How many times have you said to yourself, "I really love beer, but drinking it is such a hassle." Well, here's good news! Now you can suds-idize all your favorite foods thanks to this new miracle beer spread:
"Urrrrrp! S'cuse mah."
The creators say it goes well with cheese and can be used as a filling for cake. There’s two versions – one with a light flavor and the other a little more intense. Each variation of the sweet spread is made with 40 percent beer.
Alta Quota and Napoleone unveiled Birra Spalmabile at a famous food fair in Turin and it earned critical acclaim. It’s made from a pair of the brewery’s beers: Omid dark ale and Greta blond ale.
And knowing that the name they chose was Birra Spalmabile, we're sure of one thing: this stuff can get you drunk.
Have a heady humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I think we should be very careful about Cheers and Jeers. If I were to guess like what our biggest existential threat is, it's probably that."
---Elon Musk
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