With the recent release and discussion of the video showing the catcalls a woman received in New York, some men are asking what is the appropriate way to express their appreciation of a woman in public. Many of these men deplore the disgusting comments that are directed towards women, but feel that if they smile at a woman on the street, or tell a woman on the subway she is beautiful, it should not be considered a problem.
There are several ways that we can talk about this. First, and most obviously, many women are perfectly happy to not be appreciated for their looks by strangers. Funnily enough, most women, even lovely women, would rather be appreciated for their skills, smarts, acumen...almost anything else other than their looks.
But going beyond that, there is also another basic reason why men should refrain from the smiles and compliments...women have no idea of what your intention is. Follow me below the fold to see what I am talking about.
To be clear, the rest of this diary is simply a paraphrase of Schrodinger's rapist. I highly advise everybody to go read this wonderful piece.
So what do I mean when I say women do not know what the intent of a smile or compliment is? The woman you meet on the street does not know you, does not know the intent of the comment. It could be harmless (though a touch creepy), or it may be an attempt to start a conversation from a potential paramour, or it may be the opening lines of a creep who intends to harass or rape the woman. The woman does not know which it is...and given that 1/4 to 1/3 of women have been raped, more harassed, and damn near every woman catcalled, they have genuine reason to worry.
So, from the moment when a man smiles at, or compliments a woman in public, the woman begins calculating the odds. They immediately raise their caution level, based on the real chance that things are about to get verbally or physically abusive. If they smile, the man might take it as a sign that his attentions are wanted, if they don't smile, they could very likely be told they are a "frigid bitch", or worse. To be clear, both have happened to women time and time again...this is a reasonable concern.
So men, whatever the intent of your smile or compliment to a woman on the street, subway, or wherever...it is very unlikely to promote the response you intended. You may think of it as a compliment, as a nicety...but for the woman you are addressing, it will often be read as danger. The reason is simple, they do not know you are a nice guy, they do not know your intent. For all they know, this will turn into another in a long line of shitty, misogynist exchanges they have gone through before.
Whatever your intent, you are not improving that woman's day...in fact you are likely just one in a long line of men who are making it worse. So maybe, it would be just better to not smile at her, to not tell her she is beautiful. Maybe you should put yourself in her shoes, to think about her fears, and her ambitions...and keep your compliments to yourself.
There are many ways to meet women, to engage in conversations with women, just try to imagine the ways that you would want to be approached if you had a genuine, well-founded fear for your own safety. If you think about that, if you think about how your actions are perceived rather than intended, things should work out just fine.