When a loved one is dying of a terminal disease, like cancer, you have time to think in terms of what to do, cremation versus not, funeral home, church, service, celebration of life… Many options are available in today’s society. But making decisions on what to do is not always easy.
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My mother had a pre-paid plan and had left further instructions at her church. She was of an older generation, wanted her funeral at the church, an open casket, and even specified where she wanted the casket displayed. We did our best to follow her wishes.
I was active in an online cancer caregiver group and know of many situations where the dying individual left very detailed instructions too. One friend’s husband even picked out his own casket. However my Stephen did not want to talk about funeral arrangements. He was very spiritual, but did not really care for any formal religion, especially those he considered to be extreme.
My family however, was very religious and there are a couple of brothers who were very fundamentalist and conservative in their views. My son and daughter had converted to Catholicism and my granddaughters were all raised in that church.
So early on I was concerned about what I would do when the time came to make arrangements.
Many years earlier we had both decided on cremation so that was easy. When I tried to talk to him about a “service” he told me to just do whatever would work best and to not upset the family; he really didn’t care. Of course, that made me even more determined to do something I thought he would be comfortable with.
I talked about my dilemma with the therapist saying that I was considering not having any kind of service at all. She strongly encouraged me to do something, not for him but for me. I was OK with doing some small visitation/service at the funeral home, but got stopped with “who” would do it. I knew that my one younger fundi brother would be happy to do it, but to be honest I did not want him anywhere near doing a prayer for Steve’s “soul”.. So I mulled it over and other than finding a place to do the cremation I had made no plans.
At the hospice house there was a Chaplain who came to visit us/me several times. I told him that even though I knew the end was very near, I had still not decided what to do since there was no one that I trusted to do a service and didn’t like the idea of a stranger doing it. He told me that he totally understood my problem as a preacher from the family church did his mother’s funeral.. and it was totally off kilter and very upsetting. He offered to do the service for me and would do whatever I wanted. What a relief. He had me and my children send him something via e-mail about Steve to help him understand him better. He asked about whether I wanted any kind of prayer, and if so what kind.
The service was simple. He read what we sent. My oldest brother (who liked and understood Steve) did a short eulogy, sharing a discussion he had with him a few weeks before he died about the universe, black holes, and the like. My son played his guitar, Cat Stevens Morning is Broken. The Chaplain’s short sermon was pitch perfect.. Exactly what I wanted. Prior to the service there was time for very unstructured visiting with people. Afterwards we went to a local place and had Pizza and beer.
As I said I have been active in online cancer support groups. I certainly have seen that the funeral can bring many unwanted and upsetting issues to the forefront. Often the biggest issue is the one with differences in use of religion. I have seen instances where families (that had not even been around) were insistent on what had to be done. A family that absolutely insisted on open casket and were opposed to cremation. (My Stephen would not have wanted anyone to view how he looked after months of cancer.) One situation where the deceased’s “brothers” totally took over the planning and service and did not even discuss things with the widow.
I’m glad I was stubborn about it and did not have the service that (I thought) my family would want. That would have been the kind of service my Steve would have been uncomfortable attending, even when he was healthy. As it turned out, there was enough prayer (very simple) and tradition that the family seemed fine with it. Lots of pizza, lots of beer.
Most important however, I was comfortable and happy that I was able to say my final goodbyes in a manner that honored who he was. I know that isn't always the case for everyone.