For those of you who would like to turn to topics having nothing to do with elections, I offer one on parenting. I recently came across an email that went viral a couple of years ago. In it, a father castigates his adult children for his "disappointment" in them. I don't want to revisit that email itself, in hopes that the furor has died down and his family has picked up the pieces. But I do want to use it as a jumping-off point for some observations, both because it disturbed me and because I like another chance to stick up for the underdog. In this case, I side with the children. They had neither career nor relationship success, so their dad was disappointed in them. I'm sure they were also disappointed in themselves.
Follow me below the orange symbol of relationship entanglements for my thoughts on this dad's parenting.
Parents, first point: If all your children are a disappointment to you, look in the mirror. Don't expect to instill your children deeply with your values if you are always uninvolved in their lives because you are always working. I understand that sometimes that's necessary; but if you want your children to grow up with your values, there are two major ways to do that. Number one, model the behavior you want to see with them. Children learn what they observe. Let them see the person you are, and make sure that is the person you want them to be.
But for them to see you, you have to be there.
Number two, in the day to day of life, tell them how you see the issues. Discuss with them your values in action.
But for them to hear you, you have to be there.
I'm not saying it's wrong to work a lot. But if you want to have the maximum influence in your children's lives, you have to be there. If you're not there, don't be surprised if there are multiple points at which your values diverge. If you find that disappointing, accept your share of the responsibility. Second point: Positive always works better than negative. I have both unconditionally accepting and hypercritical influences in my own life. Who has most made me a better person? The unconditionally accepting influences. They attract me more. I want to be like them more. I am more motivated to make them proud. I want to be worthy of their kind thoughts. Criticism? It's overrated. It can tie you up in knots. It can make you avoid either contact or the range of behaviors that may cause those critical scripts to run in your head. It can destroy self esteem and self worth, and sow seeds of self doubt and harsh self judgment. Obviously these can ultimately create career and relationship failure, the source of the dad's disappointment above. Third point: If all you do is whine about your children, why are you surprised when all they do is whine about their lives? If the public reports are to be believed, these children are all employed (albeit underemployed), not on drugs or addicted to alcohol, they have not had abortions nor given their children away to others to raise, and despite earlier disappointments of their own, they still believe in romantic love. So even evaluating somewhat superficially, they do not seem to be losers to me. If you are bitterly disappointed now, what would you do if your children had serious problems? This letter was written in the throes of the recession. The names of those who are underemployed right now are legion. How much of this is the children's "fault" versus the fault of the times they live in? Of course they can take some responsibility for trying to do better. But they're not operating in a vacuum and the world is not an encouraging place right now. If you don't like your children's life choices, perhaps you haven't truly listened or asked the pertinent questions. Why did they leave that spouse? Even Dr. Laura says leave if there is abuse, addiction, or affairs. I would add if you are woefully unhappy and therapy won't fix it, leave. Don't sacrifice yourself "for the sake of the children". The children would learn that it's OK to be unhappy all your life. A terrible lesson to teach. For children who are mature enough to say, "this person isn't the person I thought I married, I didn't sign up for this, I'm getting out," for them to have that level of self regard, sense of self worth, and willingness to admit to mistakes and seek to correct them, a parent should be proud. The one choice that stands out starkly to me is that all the children chose jobs that aren't very prestigious. Meanwhile, their prestigious father had spent their childhood almost never at home with his children. While it may be true that the children are underemployed because of the state of the economy, I also think they may very well be underemployed by choice, so that they can spend more time with their children. So that their children don't have the unhappy experience of missing their dad all their young lives. So that they can better raise their own children with their values. Virtually every career of prestige requires ridiculous numbers of hours away from family. Of course we should all do what we can to change that. But meanwhile, some people will choose to reject those jobs in favor of family. Children who grew up in an intact household who nevertheless rarely saw their father are primed for making this choice. For raising children who value their own children above money and prestige, a parent should be proud. Even more starkly obvious to me was the complete absence of any conception of the deep layers of who these people, this man's children, are. To my mind, his assessment was terribly superficial. So you don't like their jobs or their choices of mates. Do they try to help people out? Do they vote to try to improve the political situation? Do they donate time or money to charity? Are they kind to animals? Are they adaptable, astute, capable, caring, compassionate, considerate, conscientious, courageous, courteous, dependable, empathetic, flexible, forgiving, generous, gentle, helpful, honest, idealistic, imaginative, insightful, inspiring, joyful, loyal, modest, nurturing, open-minded, optimistic, patient, perceptive, reliable, selfless, sensitive, sincere, tactful, thoughtful, tolerant, trustworthy, understanding, vital, and/or warm? Yes, there are alphabetical lists out there of positive traits. Thank you, Buzzle. Really, pick a few of the above that apply to your children, and/or go to the above Web site and others to find even more positive traits, and determine which of those apply. If you don't know, then you are overdue to talk with your children about what matters to them and the values they hold. As a parent with an interest in their lives, not as their judge and jury. Then you will have plenty to brag to your friends about. Final point: You don't get to take full credit for your children's successes and you don't need to take full blame for their failures, real or imagined. They grew up in a different time from you. They have influences from their church, their school, their neighborhood, their peers, and the media. They are not you. They have different strengths and weaknesses, skills and interests. If you're tired of their whining, ask them to tell you something positive. Don't start whining yourself. So come on, parents, get with the program. If your children are not criminals or mentally ill, they're probably fine. If they are criminals or mentally ill, hopefully they're on their way to learning how to be fine. Be positive. Be supportive. Tell them you know they can do it. Provide resources. Offer help sometimes even when they're too proud to ask for it. If they don't listen to your advice, tell them you feel you may have overwhelmed them with too much, so you're not going to give them any more advice until they ask. Communicate. If you can't communicate in a positive way, then get some therapy yourself, on precisely that communication issue. But by the time they are grown, the time for lecturing your children, if there ever was one, is past. They're fully formed. They have their own ways of being. Trust them to make the decisions that will create the lives that are best suited for them. Those will be different from your choices. That's OK, they're different people from you. Congratulations, you have not produced little automatons. But blame your children and tell them they are all disappointments? That should never happen!