so, i'm having fits trying to do this right. i've not been able to get this post on to the KosAbility queue qnd just discovered that my groups have disappeared...this may be why. so, as it's time, i'll just publish and hope some techie person can republish it to the group properly. in the meantime i will hang around and hope for conversation.
this is actually an addendum to the ‘real’ kosability post i meant to post this evening:
i was dismayed and a little stunned when in my efforts to send postmodernist and the kosability queue my diary for sunday i accidentally published it on friday instead. i’m new at this and not very literate on my still-pretty-new apple.
i’d worked on that post for weeks, pecking away with one finger as i had hand surgery again in october—which is why caps seem too picky to deal with. we thought we might be able to un-publish it but before i could figure that out a commenter mentioned that it was on community spotlight.
and suddenly, the post was on the rec list. apparently it hit a nerve.
i had an astonishing day yesterday, responding to comments, reading the pain-and-outrage-filled stories of others’ experiences, swearing occasionally at the idiocy and arrogance of a far-flung system that so often presumes to be able to arrogantly ‘fix’ without listening to or trusting the perceptions of the ‘fixees’.
and it is a system, or rather interlocking and mutually reinforcing systems, plural; it is not just a few paternalistic and ignorant male (or wanna-be-male female) docs acting independently out of personal biases.
it is inescapably systemic, including medical models that perpetuate deification of doctors, infantilization of the feminine or people considered abnormal or weak, capitalism, classism, racism…everything in the world of privilege and power seems to be tied together in a seamless net that at one point or another scoops up most of us females and many disadvantaged-less-than-wealthy-straight-abled-other-than-white males and sorts us into hapless piles like thrashing fish, shagalabagala.
clearly, a lot of you are finding your way out of these (orange) tangles, too.
so i am intensely interested in what others of you do to cut yourselves free. i thought it may be a useful thing to muse on a few of the tactics i’ve developed to keep as much choice and power over my self in my own hands as possible. i hope that it starts some sharing of helpful strategies.
before i became so impaired, i got a small grant which i used to spend a 30 day silent retreat at a monastery to set some midlife agenda and goals. i was already too ADD to come up with nice compact vision and mission statements but i did write a series of 12 daily foci/affirmations/almost poems that i have used ever since.
i change the text frequently as i change but the categories have stayed steady with occasional additions so i have a 15 day cycle now. i know, it doesn’t fit well with the gregorian calendar, but neither do i at this point.
i don’t sleep well towards early morning so am often up a couple of hours before any one else. plus, this is when i have the most focus and clearest head.
i begin with reflecting on gandhi’s 1st resolution for the day:
- I shall not fear anyone on Earth.
- I shall fear only God.
- I shall not bear ill will toward anyone.
- I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.
- I shall conquer untruth by truth.
-And in resisting untruth,
I shall put up with all suffering.
then i meditate on the day’s focus. these fall into various categories lumped under a general heading of ‘what kind of person do i want to be when i grow up?’ (i thought that would i would be all grown up by now as i’m 59; that all this adversity would build wisdom as i approached cronehood. alas, i am still impatient, cynical, regrettably hasty in my judgments!)
i don’t want to be bitter and resentful. i want to be people-smart, but don’t want to live my one shot at life mired in mistrust and addicted to safety and caution. i want to be open-hearted, forgiving, kind, compassionate. hospitality and humility are other focal points; you catch the drift.
a huge one, perhaps the biggest of all my intentions and one that undergirds the rest, is a deliberate tilting of my life's being and doing towards the nuanced hebrew concept of shalom, usually translated peace.
but 'shalom' is far bigger than the way we tend to define 'peace'; shalom is not merely the absence or cessation of conflict but i understand it to mean a primary orientation towards working for justice and well-being for all… ‘all’ including self, others, and the natural world/environment.
in my best moments, this is what sets my heart on fire and provides meaning and context for everything else.
when i don’t get this reflective focus time, i feel the consequences all day. i used to work out in the early mornings but exercise intolerance has taken that away. i desperately need to focus on what i can do or it’s a quick slide into depression and grief, and if not checked, resentment.
i have several close AA friends, endless source of pithy sayings, and one that particularly resonates is ‘holding resentment is like drinking rat poison and waiting for the rat to die.’ i can not afford to give in to resentment or my life is over.
that said, as a female in a patriarchal system, i have also had to learn to put appropriate blame where it belongs rather than assuming as i did for years that i was defective and at fault in some way for what has been done to me. this goes way back as i was abused as a small child and, like many, many kids who experience childhood abuse, i carried a huge burden of self-loathing and self-blame for my first decades.
gandhi’s wisdom shows in his coupling of ‘I shall not bear ill will toward anyone’ with
‘I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.’ it’s been a good guide towards a kind but assertive awareness in navigating the baffling turns of my life.
so, this morning centering is key for my growth in personal empowerment in spite of my liabilities. other important resources are:
—humor. i am very easily amused and i give myself endless material for mirth! can be such a klutzy doofus. have a strong sense of irony, especially observing projection in self and others; this is invaluable in finding a place to stand when confronted by some arrogant person who is determined to fix me/blow me off. i look for paradox everywhere and find comedic interest in bizarre real life juxtapositions.
—journaling. this is where i process and vent negatives i don’t want to inflict on sir os or other friends
—a few friends with whom i can be candid, including a couple of older wiser women who help me notice and track the trajectories of my growth into ‘maturity’
—i ‘graze’ in eclectic green fields of various wisdom traditions and a motley assortment of authors for things to ponder and can chew on a quote for years.
some current favorites:
-‘beyond our ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. i’ll meet you there.’
rumi, a 13th century sufi (islam)
-‘if we don’t change our direction, we will probably end up where we are going.’
lao tsu, founder of taoism, @6th century BCE
-‘expectations are nothing more than premeditated resentments.’
unknown christian retreat leader.
1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Always do your best.
Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements, based on the toltec wisdom tradition
-‘We do not, after all, simply have experience; we are entrusted with it. We must do something--make something--with it. A story, we sense, is the only possible habitation for the burden of our witnessing.'
Patricia Hampl, contemporary american memoirist
okay, enough already.
so, what helps you navigate your ride through disability?