Up until recently, I was stuck in 10 years with intense depression with alternating periods of wellness. I didn't realize I had it.
Undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome for 25 years and growing up in an alcoholic family environement for 18 year leaves deep wounds from judgement and stigma from all angles.
Depression is so bad because it makes you suck and suffer in silence. You don't realize how bad you have it and you are not able to connect to yourself. Because there are alternating periods of wellness, you think everything is ok. You are scared and hopeless talk to anyone because counselors and doctors are not able to catch anything and they judge you too.
My asperger's addictions got really bad (ironically my academic addictions were the only thing keeping me up).
I chronically suffered from suicide thoughts, hurting myself and other people. Hurtful images (borderline hallucinations) and voices screaming at me would be stuck in my head.
I don't know how to manage it hold it together without breaking down in public or having a mental meltdown in front of professionals and faculty in public.
I don't know how to mange to hold it together without getting violent.
Depression is a silent killer of life.
I am all peaceful right now once I realize what causing the BIGGEST pain in my life. Beyond my deathly phobia of thunderstorms (which is gone thanks to therapy) and social rejections, it was depression.
Depression can be really entrenched in people with asperger's syndrome. But I preveailed.
My true life is beginning and I am going to be an advocate for people who are marginalized and raise awareness of people who are different but are still people.