Now that Sony has completely caved to cyberterrorist demands, let’s see what movie they’ve chosen to run in place of The Interview. Sure, Kim Jong Un is a nasty despot, but do we really think North Korea is capable of attacking movie theaters all across the United States? Methinks Sony Pictures just wants this whole thing to go away and is using terrorist bluster as an excuse to turn the page.
So, we don’t negotiate with terrorists if they threaten to kill hostages, but if someone releases nasty emails about Angelina Jolie, we will do exactly as they say. That seems to be Sony’s policy, anyway. And let’s not forget that the Dark Knight was a huge box office success, even after someone “inspired” by the Dark Knight killed scores of people in a movie theater on opening night.
I’m still amazed that Sony chose to do exactly what the hackers demanded rather than capitalize on some of the best free publicity ever. Of course, just like in the movies, the terrorists will ask for more and will launch more attacks in order to get what they want. Enjoy this replacement movie, and happy holidays! Oh, and be sure to check out my just-released holiday card! Ho, ho, ho!
Updated: Sony has backtracked and is now planning to release The Interview not on the originally-planned 3,800 screens but on, um, 200. The bulwark of free speech in the United States is currently Alamo Drafhouse Cinema and their 20 theaters and groups like Art House Convergence. (None of the major theater chains are part of the Christmas Day release.) Sony has gone from “no further release plans for the film” to “we have never given up on releasing The Interview” in just a few short days. Put this one over in the “How Not To Deal With Cyberterrorism” column.
[comedy movie trailer voice over]
Opening Christmas Day, from Sony Pictures Entertainment, in proud association with DPRK Productions, the season of laughter begins with . . .
Dear Leader Two . . .
. . . Starring blockbuster action superstar Kim Jong Un,
And a cast of millions in spectacularly choreographed dance numbers that will warm your heart.
This industrial thriller will transport you to another time, when cars were big and bombs were bigger!
The filmmakers spared no expense in creating . . .
Epic battle scenes . . . beautiful full-scale buildings . . . vigorous clapping . . . family fun . . and enough explosions to make Michael Bay blush.
America’s moviegoers are in for a treat this holiday season . . . thanks to the creative collaboration of Sony Pictures and DPRK Productions.
(We’re so sorry, Mr. Un, about that whole Interview thing, it’ll never happen again.)
So bring the entire family, sit back, relax and enjoy the lovable antics of the world’s favorite demigod!
Dear Leader Two. Sony Pictures Entertainment gives the people— er, person— what he wants this holiday season.
(In theaters everywhere and nowhere.)