From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
In March a cat wins the National
Bake-Off for the first time ever.
If there was one thread that wound its way through January, February, March and April of this year, it was this: Chris Christie is a dick. Oh my god it's unreal just what a dick he is. Legendary, legendary dick. Shuts down traffic for a week on the busiest bridge in the world as a weapon of political payback. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god what a dick.
Plus: Bill de Blasio settles in for eight-to-twelve trouble-free years as mayor of New York City, Janet Yellen becomes the first chairwoman of the Fed, Obamacare soars, Putin goes the Full Anita Bryant on Russia's LGBT citizens and the Full Hitler-as-Annexer in Crimea, Neil deGrassi Tyson's reboot of Cosmos leaves creationists scrambling for their mute buttons, Leno signs off, Stephen Colbert gets demoted to The Late Show, Gabby Giffords skydives, the President cooks up socialist schemes with the Pope, and recreational pot becomes legal in Colorado.
C&J kept tabs on all the silly sturm and daffy drang of the last 12 months, and below the fold is the first of our three-part series called 2014: Eh, Coulda Been Better Coulda Been Worse. It's a pastiche of newsy bits, gobsmacking stats, amazing pics by White House photographer Pete Souza, and the best of late-night snark. By the time you finish, you'll feel like you did when you started, except some time will have passed.
Your wormhole to the past opens up below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: Part 2 and 3 of our 2014 flashback series will appear here tomorrow and Wednesday morning. Someone please notify the Pulitzer committee that they can sleep in. ---Mgt.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: New Bed Passes Test
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C&J 2014 Flashback: January
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President Obama waves to a camera while he greets audience members after
delivering remarks on the federal minimum wage in Lanham, Maryland Jan. 29.
Progressive Bill de Blasio replaces Michael Bloomberg as Mayor of New York City. On his early agenda: outlawing horse-drawn carriages in the city. Critics say this proves he's in the pocket of the mouse-drawn pumpkin lobby.
The Senate confirms Janet Yellen as the first woman to head the Federal Reserve. The first item on her to-do list, as it was with all of her predecessors: spend a few hours rolling around in a giant pile of money shouting, "Yippeeee!!!!"
To mark the third anniversary of the Tucson massacre that killed half a dozen people and almost took her life, Congresswoman-turned-gun-safety-reform-advocate Gabrielle Giffords hops in a plane and goes skydiving. While normal people applaud her courage and tenacity, the NRA accuses her of trying to shove her anti-gun agenda down the throats of clouds.
By the Numbers
• Percent change in the number of Freedom of Information Act requests since Edward Snowden started leaking NSA documents: 671%
• Percent of Americans who supported marijuana legalization in 1987 and 2014, respectively: 16%, 55%
• Estimated number of U.S. veterans who commit suicide every day: 22
• Amount of the world's wealth owned by the top 1 percent: 50%
• Estimated number of U.S. children hurt or killed by guns in a year: 10,000
• Ticket price to enter the new Sept. 11 Museum at Ground Zero in NYC: $24
• Percent of Democrats, independents and Republicans, respectively, who believe the federal government should do "a lot" to reduce poverty: 67%, 56%, 27%
Two emails exchanged by aides to New Jersey Governor Chris Christie reading "Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee" and “Got it” are discovered after a lane of the George Washington Bridge is closed off for what later turns out to be political payback. The scandal becomes known as "Bridgegate" and effectively ensures Christie will never fulfill his lifelong vision of becoming president to the consternation of no one.
Senator John McCain gets censured by the Arizona GOP. Reason: insufficiently conservative. Upon hearing the news, McCain cries all the way to all twelve of his houses.
Headlines Republicans wake up to this month:
► Associated Press: “Health care enrollment spikes in Utah in December”
► Detroit News: “Feds: Michigan experiences 11-fold increase in health care sign-ups”
► Sun-Sentinel: “Obamacare enrollment gains traction in Florida”
► Stevens Point Journal: “Obamacare enrollment soars in Wisconsin”
► Albuquerque Business First: “New Mexico’s Healthcare.gov enrollment soars”
► WSFA: “More Alabamians signing up for health insurance”
► Capital New York: “Strong Obamacare numbers from NY exchange director”
► Des Moines Register: “7,500 Iowans have signed up for private insurance on healthcare.gov, compared to 757 a month ago”
► The Gazette: “Colorado health insurance enrollments continue at steady pace”
► WLTX: “Health Insurance Enrollment Spikes in South Carolina”
► Billings Gazette: “Montana sign-ups for Obamacare policies surge in December
Number of signups via the exchanges for Year One: eight million. Via Medicaid expansion: 7 million. Via the Republicans' alternative "pay for your health care with bake sales" expansion: 0.
A Japanese company, Suntory, buys Jim Beam. Beyond renaming Maker's Mark "Hello Happy Princess Kentucky Tummy Tickle Drinky Time," they have no plans to change a thing.
President Obama holds a baby in the air while talking with patrons during a
stop for lunch at The Coupe in Washington, D.C., Jan. 10.
The United Nations says we must act right now on global warming or else future generations of children won’t be able to walk to school without fire-proof clothing. The fireproof clothing lobby immediately accuses the United Nations of stifling free-market commerce.
President Obama hasn't taken a single sick day in five years, prompting some to openly suspect he's a communist robot built and controlled by George Soros. Back in his lab, George Soros throws a tarp over the actual communist Obama robot that's only 85 percent finished.
Late Night Snark
"This week in his inaugural address, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie spoke of wanting to bring the people of New Jersey together. He wanted to bring them together by having them all try to merge into one lane."
---Jay Leno
"I can already see his 2016 bumper sticker: Christie---Bringing America Together Or I Will Fuck You Over."
---Stephen Colbert
"On Friday, Russian President Vladimir Putin said gay people at the Olympics should not fear for their safety despite the country's anti-gay laws. He said they should fear for their safety because they're in Russia."
---Jimmy Fallon
"For the past week now, Colorado has been allowing the sale of legal recreational marijuana. In a related story, in one week the population of Colorado has jumped to 315 million people."
---Conan O'Brien
The Commission on Election Administration concludes that voter fraud in America exists only in the fevered Republican imagination---just 40 voters out of 197 million votes cast for federal candidates were indicted for voter fraud, and just 26 resulted in convictions or guilty pleas. Republicans respond by insisting that this is exactly the kind of voter fraud study that proves voter fraud studies are rife with voter fraud study fraud.
In Sochi, the mayor says his city is completely gay-free. He knows this because everybody who enters has to pass through a jazz hands detector.
Highlights: President Obama's State of the Union
✓ Obama: "The state of our union is improving, despite the best efforts of you idiots sitting in front of me with the "Rs" after your names."
✓ Obama: "The debate is settled. Climate change is a fact." Conservatives: "The debate is settled: as long as we can keep making money off fundraising appeals that include calling climate change a hoax, climate change is a hoax."
✓ "We must pass immigration reform so we can make it safe for Canadians to come out of the shadows."
✓ "I make this solemn promise to America tonight: Ted Cruz will never deliver a State of the Union Address. And you can probably strike out Christie, too." [Sustained applause for 13 minutes]
It takes Republicans three weeks to get through all their televised rebuttals.
Rand Paul says there's a fifty-fifty chance he'll run for president because what America needs now is decisive leadership.
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February
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President Obama returns the salute from Tommie Okabayashi, one of the members
of the group of Japanese American WWII veterans, during a meeting in ther
Oval Office to congratulate them on their Congressional Gold Medal, Feb. 18.
Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow, ensuring six more weeks of winter. Punxsutawney Paranoid sees President Obama's shadow, ensuring three more years of tyranny.
The CVS Pharmacy chain says it will no longer sell tobacco products. The decision means CVS no longer sells anything that can kill people except for junk food, beer & wine, Drano, Miracle Blades, canes, and pharmaceutical drugs.
By the Numbers
• Estimated diameter of the Ivanpah Solar Electric Generating System in the Mojave Desert, which formally opened this month: 5 miles
• Number of homes it can power, via its 400 megawatts: 140,000
• Percent of Democrats who want Hillary Clinton to run for president: 82%
• Percent of Republicans who want their top choice, Jeb Bush, to run: 41%
• The last year Detroit's winter was as harsh as this year's: 1950
• Percent chance that the GOP's brand-new report on Benghazi concludes that the right-wing hysteria over Benghazi is bullshit: 100%
A huge breach of a containment pond spills toxic coal ash into the Dan River in North Carolina. Duke Energy takes immediate action by dispatching a team of men in hardhats to stand around pointing at the sludge with frowny faces.
Montana Lt. Governor John Walsh gets sworn in as the new U.S. Senator from Montana, replacing 36-year veteran Max Baucus who becomes the new U.S. Ambassador to China. It's widely agreed that China got the short end of that stick.
President Barack Obama participates in an interview with Zach Galifianakis for
"Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis" in the the White House, Feb. 24.
Russian Olympic organizers announce that construction is proceeding ahead of schedule and Sochi will be completely ready for the 2014 Winter Games by 2015.
After 59 historic years in Congress, Michigan Congressman John Dingell---a Democrat's Democrat---retires from the House, saying he wants to spend more time chasing his dream of winning the National Skateboard Championship.
Late Night Snark
"The [Super Bowl Champion] Seahawks beat the Broncos 43-8. The Broncos are blaming it on a traffic study."
---David Letterman
"I got to work with lighting people who made me look better than I really am. I got to work with audio people who made me sound better than I really do. I got to work with producers and writers and all kinds of people who made me look smarter than I really am. … I’m also proud to say, this is a union show. And I have never worked with a more professional group of people in my life. They get paid good money and they do a good job."
---Jay Leno, saying farewell after 22 years at The Tonight Show
"At the Olympics, the Russian men's hockey team was knocked out by Finland. Vladimir Putin was said to be furious. He was yelling, waving a sword around, threatening to send people to Siberia. Then the game started."
---Craig Ferguson
President Obama straps on Jetpack One and blasts off for the House Democratic Issues Conference in Cambridge, Maryland. Among the ideas discussed for getting more voters to the polls in 2014: mass production of cheap jetpacks.
The FDA updates nutrition labels on food packaging. Among the improvements: more realistic serving sizes, less emphasis on "calories from fat" and more emphasis on sugar content. To get Republicans to participate in the new initiative, junk food will be labeled, "Barack Hussein Obama Wants You To Eat This," and the healthy foods will be labeled, "Barack Hussein Obama Doesn’t Want You To Eat This."
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March
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President Obama bids farewell to Pope Francis following an audience at the Vatican, March 27.
Russian President Vladimir Putin rips off his shirt, saddles up his saber-tooth tiger and invades the Crimea region of Ukraine. Republicans criticize the move, saying Russia's foreign minister failed to properly justify it by holding up a vial of baby powder at the U.N.
Senate intelligence Committee chair Dianne Feinstein says the CIA has been hacking into committee computers and making evidence of the agency's illegal torture program disappear. CIA Director John Brennan says, "We aren't trying to block anything." He might be more credible if his voice wasn't coming from Senator Feinstein's brooch.
By the Numbers
• Amount of extra time Americans now work per year versus in 1976: 1 month
• Normal snowfall and this year's snowfall, respectively, in Chicago: 32", 76"
• Number of the 3,200 kids' books published last year that were about black people: 93
• Percent of Kossacks surveyed who identify themselves primarily as Democrat, Progressive, or Liberal: 25%, 29%, 30%
• President Obama's overall grade among the Daily Kos community after five years
in office: A--24%, B--52%, C--14%
• Percent of Ukraine voters in Crimea who voted for secession this month, according to official results tabulated in Russia: 290%
• Journalists killed in Syria since the uprising began: 63
A Malaysia Airlines jet goes missing in Asia. According to the network, cable and online media, it was hijacked or not, made a weird sharp-left turn or not, went down in the Sea of China or not, and/or was a UFO abduction authorized by Vladimir Putin or not. We hope this clears up any confusion.
Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) Lowlights
✓ Mitch McConnell brandishes a rifle on stage, then drops it and takes out three chandeliers.
✓ The room hosting the minority outreach seminar is nearly empty.
✓ Rick Perry spends 11 minutes complaining that America is a real shithole and then closes with: "God bless this great country we live in!"
✓ Ironically, the majority of fake plastic fetuses handed out to CPAC attendees at the anti-abortion booth end up getting tossed in the trash.
The House reconvenes after slogging through another insufferable recess. The Republican leadership immediately submits bills making life more difficult for women, blacks, Hispanics, gays, sick people, the unemployed, teachers, first responders, doctors and minority voters. After lunch they hold a rally condemning Democrats for making government too intrusive.
First Lady Michelle Obama hugs daughters Sasha, left, and Malia as they visit
the Great Wall of China in Mutianyu, China, March 23.
First Lady Michelle Obama flies to China for a week to show the world yet again that when it comes to awesomeness among current spouses of world leaders, we're #1. One of the highlights: a visit to the Terracotta Warriors Museum, whose ceramic soldiers date back to the Qin Dynasty. To give you an idea of how old that is, archaeologists say they pre-date the Republican platform by a whole week.
Fred Phelps dies and, as expected, goes straight to a special circle of hell where he is forced to work out to Richard Simmons aerobics routines for eternity.
Late Night Snark
"Fox News: We read the chain emails your grandma gets in her inbox out loud like they were true."
---Jon Stewart
"House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a “thug,” and then called on President Obama to stand up to him. Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, 'My friend here will take care of you.'"
---Jimmy Fallon
"John McCain wrote an op-ed in The New York Times and said Obama has made America look weak because he's not decisive. Right---"decisive." Y'know, once you've picked Sarah Palin as your vice president, decisions aren't something we call you for as a phone-a-friend."
---Bill Maher
"Colorado has launched a million-dollar ad campaign warning people of the dangers of getting stoned and driving. So keep your eyes peeled for billboards that say SPEED UP."
---New SNL Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost
Some 40-plus heads of state attend the 2014 Nuclear Security Summit in The Hague. The #1 rule of Security Summit: never text anyone to say you're having a blast.
The Supreme Court hears arguments in the case of Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby, Inc. At issue: are corporations not only people, but also people who can skirt federal laws (like the contraception mandate in health insurance coverage) on religious grounds? A notable name missing from the amicus briefs: God.
President Obama and the First Lady meet with Pope Francis while Pope Benedict shoots spitwads from his breakfast nook, managing only to ding a Swiss Guard and a pigeon.
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April
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Children help President Barack Obama to his feet after he sat on the floor to
have a group photo with them during a U.S. Embassy meet and greet
at the Sofitel Philippine Plaza Manila in Manila, Philippines, April 28.
Seth MacFarlane and Neil deGrassi Tyson's reboot of Carl Sagan's
Cosmos is a ratings hit, though some are disappointed that it isn't a series about bartending.
Microsoft officially stops supporting Windows XP. Without the company's supervision, anyone still using the system may experience crashes, cyber attacks, frozen screens and glitches that defy description. In other words, nothing will change.
Hillary Clinton fires off three perfectly-delivered zingers after someone in the audience throws a shoe at her as she's giving a speech: "Is that part of Cirque du Soleil?” "My goodness, I didn't know that solid waste management was so controversial." "Thank goodness she didn't play softball like I did." Seconds later, the entire room tries the veal and tips their server.
By the Numbers
• Minimum number of states that will push a minimum wage hike either legislatively or via ballot initiative this year: 30
• Number of Maine governors who have vetoed more legislation than current Republican Governor Paul LePage: 0
• Percent of Americans who support the Affordable Care Act requirement of employer-sponsored insurance covering the full cost of contraception: 69%
• Percent of Americans taking at least one prescription drug: 70%
• Number of bridges nationally in need of repair: 63,000
• Rank of Pennsylvania among states with the most bridges (5,218) in need of repair: #1
• Expected rate of economic growth in Russia this year: 0%
A coffee shop populated with cats for patrons to pet and cuddle opens in London. Meanwhile the opening of a Florida python coffee shop is delayed as no one seems to be able to locate the owners.
President Obama and the First Lady travel to Houston to attend a memorial service at Fort Hood for the victims of the latest mass murder in America. One of the sadder themes of the Obama presidency will be the regularity with which he is called on to help lift the spirits of massacre victims' families in a gun-crazy country where too many yahoos think the answer to the violence is more guns in more hands in more places. The president can be counted on to rise to the occasion. The gun makers can be counted on to sink into the slime.
Stephen Colbert is hired to replace David Letterman as host of The Late Show. Meanwhile, Kathleen Sebelius leaves her job at Health and Human Services, saying she was finally able to hoist the middle finger at her tyrannical boss Obama and leave her job thanks to the portability of Obamacare.
First Lady Michelle Obama hugs a little girl after reading to children during
the annual Easter Egg Roll on the South Lawn of the White House, April 21.
The lesson of the Cliven Bundy Nevada ranch standoff: right-wing protesters can threaten police and federal agents with murder and the police will back off. Left-wing protesters...can't. Later this month the country changes its motto to: "America: Hippies Punched Here."
At age 39, Meb Keflezighi becomes the first American male since 1983 to win the Boston Marathon. As usual, the winner of the jetpack division, clocking in at .008 seconds---is Geeky McNerd from MIT, who later makes a full recovery from a nasty case of windburn.
Late Night Snark
"A couple of days ago, Jane, a lovely woman who does my makeup every night…says to me, ‘Dave, there's really nothing more I can do. I said, ‘OK, fair enough.'"
---David Letterman, on why he's retiring next year.
"Walmart's owners are so absurdly rich that one of them, Alice Walton, spent over a billion dollars building an art museum in Bentonville, Arkansas, 500 miles away from the nearest person who ever would want to look at art. And she said about it: 'For years I've been thinking about what we can do as a family that can really make a difference.' How about giving your employees a raise, you deluded nitwit?"
---Bill Maher
"Kim Jong Un was re-elected as leader of North Korea, winning 100 percent of the vote, easily defeating his challenger, Or Else."
---Colin Jost
The Pulitzer Prizes are announced.
The Washington Post wins a pair their stories exposing the NSA’s massive global surveillance programs. Barton Gellman and Glenn Greenwald also win for their articles on classified documents leaked by Edward Snowden. The top prize in fiction is
The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt, barely edging out Rand Paul's
I Did Not Plagiarize This Speech.
The Congressional Budget Office say Obamacare will cost $104 billion less than projected. That means nothing to the tea party, of course, because savings don't count under Democrats.
Four new historic landmarks are announced: The Adlai E. Stevenson II Farm in Mettawa, Illinois….The 1956 Grand Canyon TWA-United Airlines Aviation Accident Site in Arizona….The Detroit Industry Murals…and George Nakashima's Woodworker Complex in Bucks County, Pennsylvania. Says Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell: “These four new national historic landmarks are as diverse as our American heritage, telling stories of triumph and tragedy, of dedicated public service and artistic beauty." Say Republicans: "Drill there, drill now!!!"
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Winners of our Friday C&J "Who won the week?" Poll
Jan. 3 Colorado, where recreational marijuana is legally for sale to adults over 21.
Jan. 10 The Bergen Record, Wall Street Journal and The Rachel Maddow Show, for breaking and pursuing the Bridgegate scandal.
Jan. 17 The Bergen County Record and MSNBC's Rachel Maddow and Steve Kornacki, for ongoing Bridgegate coverage.
Jan. 24 U.S. District Judge Catherine Eagles, for striking down North Carolina's law requiring a mandatory ultrasound before a woman can terminate a pregnancy.
Jan. 31 President Obama's State of the Union, in which he calls for minimum-wage and immigration reform, an end to our permanent war footing, and vows to issue more on executive orders.
Feb. 7 Sen. Elizabeth Warren, for her proposal to let the Post Office handle some banking functions like debit cards and small loans.
Feb. 14 Missouri All-American Michael Sam, who came out as an 'openly, proudly gay man,' and Dallas sportscaster Dale Hanson for delivering an eloquent commentary on the significance of Sam's announcement.
Feb. 21 The protesters in Kiev.
Feb. 28 The opposition that prompted AZ Gov. Jan Brewer to veto the 'License to Discriminate' bill.
March 7 Congressman Elijah Cummings, for blowing a gasket when Darrell Issa shut off his mic and adjourned during an IRS-related oversight hearing.
March 14 President Obama: strengthens overtime protections for federal workers, expands California Coastal National Monument, 'Between Two ferns' appearance yields heavy healthcare.gov traffic.
March 21 President Obama: awards Medals of Honor to 24 overlooked servicemembers, 5 million ACA signups, stumps for women's economic issues at Valencia College.
March 28 President Obama: unifies U.S. and Europe against Putin aggression, nuclear security summit success, meets with Pope Francis, ACA signups top 6 million.
April 4 The Democratic party, as ACA signups (7.1 million) beat the most optimistic projections…and Kossack Charles Gaba (Brainwrap) for tracking it all.
April 11 Attorney General Eric Holder. Best parting shot of the week, to Rep. Louie Gohmert: "Good luck with your asparagus."
April 18 Kathleen Sebelius. Final ACA sign-up tally as she leaves HHS: 8 million!
April 25 Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, for pushing back against Chief Justice John Roberts and modern conservative judicial philosophy in her dissent over the Michigan affirmative action case
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