I got one of those older-person vaccinations yesterday, you know, the one with the name that sounds like an ancient Persian deity? At the pharmacy. In our local full-service grocery store. Sigh.
When I was a little boy, and we needed vaccinations to – oh I don’t know – go do missionary stuff in South America, we’d get all dressed up and go to the nearby Public Health Service clinic. Now? Uh-uh!! Not sure who to blame for the demise of the US Public Health Service: Nixon? Reagan?? Medicare??? But who’s worried? Now we have the grocery store!
I made the mistake, of course, of wearing a long-sleeve shirt. So I got to partially undress between the rental DVDs and the Lactaid milk half-gallons. Which was fine, especially since one could look down the aisle of homeopathic remedies at people pushing carts towards you – and vice versa. Charming.
Anyway – the nice pharmacist lady finally found her syringes, and came out and shot me up no problem. She gave me some sheets of paper that I was too traumatized to look at just then. It’s those papers I’m really writing about.
Having told me that she’s never heard of “mild cases” of herpes zoster (shingles) from the shot, I read this under “BEFORE USING THIS MEDICINE” [YES, SHOUTED IN ALL CAPS!!!]: “Some medicines or medical conditions may interact with this medicine.” OK, I’d filled out the form that asked if I’d “ever had [fill in blank]?” So I figure this makes sense. But then it just got weird.
Remember, this is a “one-shot thing” – literally – and now I’m reading this patient information sheet after the fact. “DO NOT START OR STOP any medicine without doctor or pharmacist approval.” OK, half right: I started with pharmacist approval. So far, so good.
“HOW TO USE THIS MEDICINE:” [again, SHOUTED] “This medicine is usually administered as an injection at your doctor’s office, hospital, or clinic.” Or beside the organic blue corn chip display in your grocery store. “IF YOU MISS A DOSE OF THIS MEDICINE, contact your doctor to reschedule your vaccine.” Again, one-shot thing! One . Shot! The one dose, already given!
Having been told by the nice pharmacist lady that shingles vaccines are given only once, I now read: “CAUTIONS: DO NOT USE THIS MEDICINE if you have had an allergic reaction to it, …. ” Yeah, remember, this is a first! So I guess I’ll finally find out about allergic reactions to it.
And then the pièce de résistance (French for “could it get worse?”): “ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: KEEP THIS PRODUCT out of the reach of children and pets.” Thank gawd it doesn’t say “grandchildren”! But in case they should come over, I’ll be sure to keep my right arm triceps area “out of reach.”
And finally, speaking of pets, this gem: “Dispose of properly after use.” At this, even my Labrador – which I totally do not have – cocked his head and went “rugh?” And then clear as day said, in a drop-dead imitation of Tracy Jordan, “Tha’s jus’ STOO-pid!” Yes, Roscoe, that’s stoo-pid!
Who writes this stuff?