From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Can We Start 2015 Over Edition
Anyone know how to get Glorpmorbian
tentacle goo off a NASA telescope lens?
"We have a new and now Republican-controlled Congress starting today. The 114th Congress convened today in our nation's capital. I thought Congress got canceled after last season. Their ratings were terrible."
---Jimmy Kimmel
"Herpes: it's like Congress on your d*ck."
---Jon Stewart
"Democratic Senator Harry Reid is expected to make a full recovery after he was exercising with a resistance band that snapped, causing him to fall. The good news is he's fine. The bad news is there's no video of it."
---Jimmy Fallon
"It's so cold the Republicans want to use the Keystone pipeline to deliver soup."
---David Letterman
"A new study has found that watching Fox News can make you more conservative and watching MSNBC can make you more liberal. And watching CNN can make you think that no plane has ever safely reached its destination."
---Conan O'Brien
And one year ago...
"A year ago, when I saw [Governor Christie] paling around with Barack Obama after hurricane Sandy, I was worried he was one of those 'fake conservatives' who secretly believe that the government can do things. But now I realize he's the kind of leader I can get behind---the kind who says, 'It's my way or I shut down your highway.' Christie is a true conservative! He's committed to proving the core conservative value that government is the problem, even if he has to create those problems himself."
---Stephen Colbert
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 9, 2015
Note: Today is Richard Nixon'as 102nd birthday. On behalf of C&J, I got him a sweater vest from his favorite clothing store: 18 1/2 Minute GAP.
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Oscar nominations are announced:
6
Days 'til the
Western Workers Labor Heritage Festival in Burlingame, California:
8
Drop in the U.S. trade deficit between October and November:
7.7%
The last time our crude oil imports were as low as they are today:
1994
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Percent of 2013 drone flights on the Mexican border that resulted in catching people trying to illegally enter the U.S.:
2%
(Source: DHS inspector general's report)
Percent chance that bowhead whales live so long that some are found to have Victorian-era harpoon points embedded in their blubber:
100%
(Source:
LiveScience)
Percent of Americans who say they speed up at a yellow light:
2/3
(Source: The internet)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Winter fun…now with bonus ferrets and pandas!
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CHEERS to more workers workin' for the weekend. December jobs numbers came out this morning from the Department of Jobs Numbers Coming Out This Morning. For yet another month, the Obama recovery has smiled kindly on America, with 252,000 new jobs created and an unemployment rate ticking down to 5.6%. Here's the latest chart, with a reminder of what Republicans do to the job market over on the left side:
Meanwhile, first-time unemployment claims announced yesterday
dropped by another 4,000. Happily for the republic, one of them was Michele Bachmann's.
CHEERS to world peace...or some approximation thereof. On January 9, 1951, the United Nations headquarters officially opened in New York City. From its preamble:
WE THE PEOPLES OF THE UNITED NATIONS DETERMINED
• to save succeeding generations from the scourge of war, which twice in our lifetime has brought untold sorrow to mankind, and
• to reaffirm faith in fundamental human rights, in the dignity and worth of the human person, in the equal rights of men and women and of nations large and small, and
• to establish conditions under which justice and respect for the obligations arising from treaties and other sources of international law can be maintained, and
• to promote social progress and better standards of life in larger freedom.
It drives conservative paranoids crazy because they think the boys and girls in the blue helmets are gonna impose martial law and take control of our cities and towns (and golf courses!) without any regard for the principles of democracy. Idiots---they're obviously confusing the U.N. with Michigan.
CHEERS to awakening a giant. I read three comic books religiously when I was a kid: Sgt. Rock, Mad and Asterix. So it brought back fond memories---despite the awful circumstances---to see that illustrator Albert Uderzo came out of retirement to send a message to the Charlie Hebdo terrorists:
The two gunmen were indeed knocked into the hereafter today during a standoff with police. They're now getting beaten with shoes for eternity by 72 virgins. Surprise, guys.
CHEERS to the Nutmeg State. Happy 227th birthday to Connecticut, which popped out of the womb of freedom on this date in 1788. It's responsible for giving us the nuclear submarine, Pez candy, lollipops, the Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court, beloved Daily Kos front-pager Greg Dworkin, Governor Dan Malloy, and Senators Chris Murphy and Dick Blumenthal. Also Joe Lieberman. Oh well…no one's perfect.
CHEERS to Dixie's last stand for heterosexual supremacy! Today a three-judge panel (two Reagan appointees and one Obama appointee) of the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals---that's Texas, Mississippi and Louisiana, y'all---heard arguments fer and agin' same-sex marriage. Here's Chris Geidner's take at Buzzfeed:
By all accounts it went well for the gay
couples...and badly for the bigots.
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When the arguments began a little after 9 a.m. Central Time, Camilla Taylor, the Lambda Legal lawyer representing the Louisiana same-sex couples, went for several minutes at a time with no interruption from the judges. … The states’ lawyers, on the other hand, faced a nearly constant stream of skeptical questioning from [Judges] Higginbotham and Graves. Even [Judge] Smith, who mostly served as a counterpoint to his colleagues, occasionally raised skeptical questions.
The Supreme Court also met today around their kitchen table to decide which of the five marriage cases in front of them to consider (or not). What happens now after all of today's hustle and bustle is something we've learned to do really well when it comes to these court cases: hurry up and wait.
JEERS to not paying attention. On tomorrow's date in 2001, President-(not)-elect Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and a Steinway baby grand) received their first top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world. Judging by their performance over the next eight years, they apparently tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."
Salman Rushdie will have
a thing or two to say about
freedom of speech tonight
on HBO's "Real Time."
CHEERS to home vegetation. I'm thinking of collapsing on the couch tonight and not moving for at least 48 hours. Y'know, like any other weekend in our house. Sadly, one show that we can no longer preview is
Bill Moyers & Company, darn it, but at least he'll be keeping
his web site active. Happily, though, there's new
Shark Tank tonight and also the season premiere of HBO's
Real Time, where Bill Maher's guests are Salman Rushdie, Chris Hardwick, Jay Leno and Paul Begala. New
DVD releases include Richard Linklater's award-winning
Boyhood, plus
Get On Up: The James Brown Story and the disturbing 1978 flick
The Boys From Brazil, with Gregory Peck in his creepiest role ever as Dr. Joseph Mengele producing a brood of Hitler clones. Your
NFL playoff schedule is here (don't get your hopes up, Ravens---the patriots are going to water the tree of victory with the feathers of tyrants, namely
yours Ha Ha Ha!!!), NBA action
is here and the NHL schedule
is here. Here's a
Downton Abbey SPOILER ALERT: rich people in natty clothes walk around shouting "Harumph! Get back to work!"
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause until we've colonized Mars:
Meet the Press: They haven't updated their web site yet, but rumor has it Chuck Todd will be wearing a neck brace as he continues his recovery from an acute case of head-nodding.
If it's Sunday morning,
it's John McCain.
CNN's State of the Union: This week it's Gloria Borger's turn to babysit John McCain while Cindy goes shopping. Plus: Eric Holder, Sen. Dianne Feinstein, and an as-yet-unnamed roundtable in comfortable Haggar slacks.
This Week: Attorney General Eric Holder; Senate Intelligence Committee chair Richard Burr (R-NC); as-yet-unnamed roundtable in mom jeans.
Face the Nation: Eric Holder; Rep. Michael McCaul (R-TX); Sen. John Cornyn (Surprise! Also a Texas Republican!); cameo appearances by pundits and reporters Bob Orr and Michael Morell (CBS), David Ignatius (WaPost), Farah Pandith (Council on Foreign Relations), Ruth Marcus (WaPost), Jim VandeHei (Politico), Peter Baker (NYT), and special guest star Hal Holbrook as "Ghoul Who Gets Unmasked As Old Man Johnson by Shaggy and Scooby."
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Joint Chiefs chairman Martin Dempsey; Keystone pipeline blither blather with Sens John Hoeven (R-ND) and Chris Coons (D-DE); roundtable with Juan Williams, George Will, Julie Pace and Karl Rove.
Happy viewing!
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Night Of A Hundred Drunken Celebrities. The Golden Globes will be handed out Sunday. They tend to be a more raucous and goofy affair than the Oscars, mainly because the open bar starts ladling out the drinks at 8am. And even if you can't stand awards shows, I say it's worth it just to watch Tina Fey and Amy Poehler emcee the plastic-ness again. You can peruse the nominations here. As usual, I haven’t seen half the movies yet, but that's never stopped me from making dangerously uninformed predictions before. (Like, Dennis Kucinich will definitely be the Democratic nominee in 2004 and slaughter Bush in an 80-20 landslide.) So here goes:
Picture (drama): Boyhood
Picture (musical or comedy): Birdman
Director: Richard Linklater for Boyhood
Golden Globes drinking game: take a swig
whenever you see someone take a swig.
Actor (drama): Eddie Redmayne for The Theory of Everything
Actor (comedy): Michael Keaton for Birdman
Actress (drama): Reese Witherspoon
for Wild
Actress (comedy): Julianne Moore for Maps to the Stars
Supporting Actor: J.K. Simmons for Whiplash
Supporting Actress: Patricia Arquette for Boyhood
TV Series (Drama): The Good Wife
TV Series (Comedy): Orange is the New Black
As usual, the most nervous person in the room won't be one of the nominees. It'll be the guy in charge of the "bleep" button.
Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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