In a move that political analysts described as "breathtaking," Kirby Delauter has established himself as the new frontrunner in the crowded Republican 2016 presidential field.
"We're all in awe," one analyst said on the condition that he not be sued. "This kind of arrival out of nowhere - we haven't seen it since Snooki. He could be the perfect candidate - no history, no issues, no troublesome past votes. Really nothing at all as far as we can tell. We can mold him into anything he needs to be. I think he could be the Special."
Kirby Delauter's meteoric rise to fame began when he threatened the Frederick News-Post with a lawsuit for mentioning his name in a newspaper article. Since then, his name has become synonymous with the image of a rugged outsider who doesn't curry favor with the press, and takes no nonsense from news scribblers.
For background on Delauter's aspirations, CNN Anchor John King explains the foundation of Republican presidential politics.
"There is a well-understood holy trinity that any Republican candidate has to cover just to get in the door," King says. "They are: Name Recognition, Money, and Not being the black guy."
Kirby Delauter has achieved extraordinary success at accruing name recognition, and is now making rapid strides in establishing that he is not the black guy. "I've already got two out of three," said Mr. Delauter on the condition that he not be named. "Now we've just got to suck up to some rich donors - hey, can you tell me where we can find them?"
Past candidates caution that a two legged stool rapidly gives out.
"You've got to have all three," put in Herman Cain, the former 2012 presidential hopeful, speaking from experience. Mr. Cain had name recognition and lots of money, but his campaign went south when a growing percentage of the Republican primary electorate began to suspect that he was in fact a black guy.
Others cast doubt on how long Delauter can ride one trick. "Take Rudi Giuliani, for example," a leading political analyst said. "He electrified audiences in the early going with a noun, a verb, and 9-11. But for for a long campaign, you need several themes." The analyst cited Mitt Romney as a formidable opponent. "He's got his acumen for avoiding taxes, because America wants to get behind a winner. There's his love for animals. And finally a powerful overarching theme: America, settle for me!"
Mr. Giuliani begged to disagree. Finding new life as a Delauter surrogate after completing several years of intensive therapy for 9-11 Tourette's, Giuliani said "I support Kirby Delauter for President. Oh No! Did I say that name! Better sue me!" he exclaimed, slapping his forehead. "And by the way, where are my pants?!?!?"
For any candidate, the name can be critical. "I'm skeptical about whether Republican primary voters can handle a candidate with three syllables in his name," John King says. "There's a reason they keep nominating guys named Bush. It was hard enough with Romney, having that m before the n. I just don't see a name like 'Delauter' getting any traction. It even sounds kind of foreign."
Chuck Todd, of Meet the Press, disagrees. "You just need to get voters to recognize the name - they don't have to spell it in order to vote. It's like teaching a chimpanzee to push the button that has the picture of a banana. I think his name is fine."
Others in the primary field have weaknesses that can be exploited. "At this stage in the campaign, it's a huge advantage to have no thoughts at all," noted Todd. "Jeb Bush is particularly vulnerable in this regard. Some day soon, he's going to have a thought, and he won't be able to help himself and he'll talk about it. Then it'll just be damage control from there."
Marco Rubio, while at far lower risk of problems arising from expressing thoughts, has problems of his own. A recent poll revealed that 37% of the Republican electorate doesn't know if there's a difference between Hispanics and black guys. "We're not panicking yet," a campaign spokesman said. "Marco is staying well hydrated for the long haul."
For Kirby Delauter, there's no time to waste. "He's a quick study," his campaign said, "Mr. D- has already memorized the list of his favorite magazines for his Katie Couric interview. For more information please check out his campaign home page."
It's a horse race! It's a clown car! It's a floor wax! It's a dessert topping!