After many years working in a cancer hospital and seeing a sister deal with three different cancers, I was diagnosed with breast cancer in the summer of 2014. This diary is some reflections along this journey through the patient side of cancer.
I have had to come to grips with something shocking. Since my diagnosis was extremely early, Stage 0 DCIS, my biggest concern should be the symptoms of a recurrence or even a new tumor. My actions, however, show a denial I'd neither expected nor even noticed.
I'll have a mammogram soon, but I've just recognized a drastic change in my behavior. Since my 20's I've faithfully done breast self exams, missing a month very rarely if at all. But since my partial mastectomy, except for bathing, I have not touched my breasts let alone exams them until this week.
Fortunately, there is no sign of anything unusual, but then again neither I nor three physicians could detect what my routine mammogram found. Still, I consider regular BSE( breast self exam) an important part of health surveillance, even though some physicians are now not pushing for it or even discoraging it. I'll write in more depth about this in the future.
Once I became conscious of abandoning BSE, I tried to understand the why of this troubling omission in self care. I'm far from certain, but I suspect subconsciously I was punishing my breasts for letting me down. Or, maybe I was punishing myself for risk factors I could have diminished by better diet and such.
I also needed to reflect on the issue of denial, the easy path of "just ignore it and it will go away." So much for the belief that I've handled this so calmly and intelligently. With a great prognosis, early detection and clear surgical margins, it was perhaps a bit to easy to simply assume that I never had a life-threatening condition. Because after all even early-stage breast cancer can progress.
Pushed deep from my conscious mind were realities like how slim the measure of the clear margin was, only 1 mm. Ignored or minimized was the absence of post op radiation therapy, which is contraindicated because I have lupus. Hardly considered was the reality of an immune system declining because of my age.
I've had a rough time with Tamoxifen, severe hot flashes that disturb me night and day, increased pain because I cannot take Cymbalta with it. This means that I'm reminded that I'm on breast cancer treatment every single day, and am less than three months into a planned course of 60 to 120 months of the stuff. At least it is an inexpensive generic, and I've read that side effects can diminish over tIke.
I'm not sure wnether I'm more angry at myself or more stunned by what I've done, rather not gotten done. I'm grateful that at least I've finally come to my senses, but just in case, that BSE is going on my calendar instead of being left to chance for my old habit of sickly doing it on the first of each month.
If nothing else cancer diagnosis is a time of self discovery. I'm learning things about myself I did not know, some that I do not like. It's time to discover strengths and to recognize weaknesses. If there's any message I want to share, it's that in addition to looking at the things you're doing to care for your health, don't forget to look for the things you may be forgetting to do.