From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
A Reason to Stand for Something
And in health news, a new report says that sitting down too much can literally kill you. As a public service, this morning I'm posting a typical hour of my C&J workday to demonstrate how I avoid the scourge of excess sitting:
00:00 Sit. Open computer. Get on internet. Scan news headlines.
02:00 Get up and grab cherry Tootsee Tootsie Pop. Return to computer to write hilarious bit about it.
03:00 Wonder if spelling of "Tootsee Pop" is correct. Get up and go look at wrapper in the trash. Return to computer, correct spelling.
05:00 Scan headlines again. Get up and go pee, muttering to self that you should've gone pee when you checked the spelling of Tootsie Pop.
Bonus tip: if you must sit,
always use a Hawaii Chair.
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06:00 Trim nose hair, ear hair, bizarre hair growing out of thumb knuckle.
10:00 Return to computer. Continue scanning headlines for ideas.
10:15 Walk into kitchen.
10:16 Walk back from kitchen after forgetting reason for walking into kitchen.
10:18 (See 10:15 and 10:16)
12:00 Dog wakes up, runs to window. Get up and see what the commotion is. Just a fucking poodle on a walk.
14:00 Return to computer. Check Daily Kos. Get sucked into Hillary love/hate diary. Hide-rate anyone who doesn’t agree with me and question species of certain commenters' parentage.
20:00 Get up, pet kitty and tell her how cute she looks when she's sleeping. Ignore dirty look from kitty and keep petting until she takes a swipe with claws extended.
26:00 Apply first-aid cream to scratches. Clip kitty's claws.
35:00 Sit back down, refresh headlines, make sure Abe Vigoda is still alive. (He is!)
40:00 "Sirens! I hear sirens!" Jump up and race to window. Collide with dog, who is racing to the same window to bark at squirrel on roof.
47:00 Regain consciousness. Notice how dirty living room rug is. Vacuum.
55:00 Return to computer. Check headlines.
56:00 Get up, go to CD rack. Put on Beyonce's Greatest Hits to piss off Mike Huckabee.
57:00 Return to computer. Check headlines.
59:59 Take 15-minute Wii Bowling break to avoid unhealthy effects of sitting down too much.
Conclusion: if you want to avoid dying from excessive sitting, be a writer.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, January 22, 2015
Note: If you need a bread bag, take a bread bag. If you have a bread bag, leave a bread bag.
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15 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til
Mardi Gras:
26
Days 'til the
Fish Creek Winter Festival in Wisconsin:
15
Minimum amount of paid sick time President Obama thinks every American worker should have per year:
1 week
Percent of capacity at which the water level at Sao Paulo's largest reservoir sits halfway through the rainy season:
6%
Number of Netflix subscribers:
57.4 million
Percent of Americans who trust information they get from online searches and the traditional media, respectively:
64%, 62%
(Source: FiveThirtyEight.com)
Date of the 100th birthday of Rocky Mountain National Park:
1/26/15
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Over at attorney general, we find Greg Abbott---a guy opposed to abortion even in cases of rape, incest and to save the life of the mother. The former state supreme court justice is also the author of a notable opinion saying it is legal to fire an employee injured on the job for seeking legal redress for his injuries if the employer does not subscribe to workers' comp. Not only a friend of women, but of the workingman, as well!
How can you not love Texas politics? You pick up the paper in the morning and it's kind of like finding Fidel Castro in the refrigerator
---January, 2003
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Puppy Pic of the Day: {{{My human}}}
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"Hello, Boise!"
CHEERS to hittin' the road. On the heels of his powerhouse State of the Union address, President Obama strapped on
Jetpack One and took off yesterday for deep-red territory starting with Boise, Idaho. (See the
Idaho Statesman's photo album here.) He gave a barnburner at Boise State University in front of 6,600 people, and met with the family of an American pastor being held captive in Iran. And here's a
fun fact:
Wednesday’s appearance was his first in Idaho as president. That leaves three other Republican states---South Carolina, South Dakota and Utah---as the only ones he has not visited, according to Mark Knoller of CBS News, whose record-keeping even the White House trusts. … Before long, he plans to visit [those states], finally completing the map.
Today he's in his mom's home state of Kansas, where he'll speak at the University of Kansas in Lawrence about his success in turning the economy around. Governor Sam Brownback---aka "Mr. Reaganomics on Steroids"---won’t be able to attend, but he will follow the proceedings with binoculars from atop his mountain of debt.
CHEERS to a quiet little verdict that people hardly ever mention anymore.
Roe v. Wade turns 42 today. Pro-choice advocates will mark the occasion
with events to remind Americans that women should be in control of their own bodies and that health care decisions should be between them and their doctor, not them and their nearest right-wing legislature. Anti-choice advocates will mark the occasion by reminding Americans that microscopic bits of blastocyst matter are people too, with full rights including voting and marriage (as long as they're not gay). And the five conservative justices on the Supreme Court will, as usual, mark the occasion by licking their chops. (Respecting precedent is
sooooo yesteryear.)
P.S. Well, this is not going to make the Bible thumpers happy. They were so hoping to make hay out of this vote today:
Not. Happy. At. All.
CHEERS to today's comforting words…from Scott Walker. Having yanked the undecided case from the D.C. circuit, the gargoyle faction of the Supreme Court will soon hear arguments about whether or not people who got their health insurance through the federal healthcare.gov exchange (as opposed to individual state exchanges) can still be eligible for subsidies to help them afford their insurance. It's a teeny glitch in the language of the Affordable Care Act that Republicans are exploiting in an attempt to kill it. If the court says no, it'll leave potentially millions of people without the means to afford insurance. But to the rescue on his flying cheese wedge comes Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who didn’t know at the time that he was defending Obamacare like a rabid badger on Red Bull:
Thanks, buddy.
"[In 2010] I met with Secretary Sebelius, the head of the federal department of HHS, and have spent the last two years with my team, my administration, my cabinet, working with the federal government trying to fully understand and comprehend what it meant to my state and other states. And it was clear! It’s a SINO, 'state in name only.' […] In the end, there’s no real substantive difference between a federal exchange, or a state exchange, or the in-between, the hybrid, the partnership."
For so succinctly making the Obama administration's case for it, Walker was sentenced by his party to six weekends of hard labor as the Koch brothers' piss bucket tender. ("Watch the backsplash, you fool!" "Sorry, sir!")
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Laura Clawson asks: Is Rep. Aaron Schock training for a 'most lies about the minimum wage' competition?
Yes.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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It looks fine to me.
JEERS to the age of deflation. The New England Patriots---[
Angelic harp glissando]---are being savaged by jealous football rivals and "game officials" (I don’t see any badges) because a dozen footballs used in last weekend's game against the Indianapolis Colts were down by a couple pounds of pressure (or what we in the business call "a couple lbs. of pressure.") So there's
an investigation underway that could lead to the seizure of one of coach Bill Belichick's gold commodes. No one's exactly sure how they managed to suck a couple pounds of air pressure out of those 11 pigskins, but most people agree it required two things: a lot of balls and a lot of balls.
CHEERS to fresh 'puter gerbils! Microsoft Windows 10 was unveiled yesterday. On the plus side: it has an expanded start menu, new snazzy browser, integrated Xbox capabilities, and if you have Windows 7 or 8, you can download it FREE starting after the Super Bowl. On the downside: it's Microsoft Windows.
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 22, 2005
JEERS to obsolete catch-phrases. Aw, shucks. The White House won't be using the phrase "Coalition of the Willing" anymore...but only because our allies in Iraq are neither a coalition nor willing. New title: "Bunch of guys behind barricades playing poker."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to instant replays. Just in case you missed it Tuesday night, President Obama demonstrates the fastest way to silence a room full of Republicans:
But to actually clear the room, the secret phrase is: "Hey, everybody! Mitt's coming down the hall looking for campaign donations!"
Have a winning Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Scientists upload Bill in Portland Maine's mind into a Lego robot
---CNN
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