From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Today's Boring Corrections
• At an Armed Forces Committee hearing, Senator John McCain barks, "Get out of here, you low-life scum" as Code Pink members protest the appearance of witness Henry Kissinger. This is in error. The correct utterance is: "Get out of here, Kissinger, you low-life scum."
• Catering to a dangerous group of gullible Americans who choose to ignore real science found in peer-reviewed journals in favor of junk science found on conspiracy-theory web sites, likely 2016 GOP presidential contenders Rand Paul and Chris Christie suggest that skipping vaccines is no big deal. This is in error, according to serious 2016 GOP presidential contender Ben Carson, M.D., who correctly insists that vaccines are a big deal and children should get them on time every time.
• Catering to a dangerous group of gullible Americans, serious 2016 GOP presidential contender Ben Carson, M.D. claims that the Affordable Care Act is "worse than slavery." This is in error. The ACA is actually providing affordable health care coverage to millions of people while lowering health-care costs, forcing insurance companies and hospitals to operate more responsibly, and freeing people from enduring jobs they hate just because they need their employer-provided health insurance.
• In the above two items, Ben Carson, M.D. is mentioned as a serious presidential contender. This is in error. The correct term is "serious grifter."
• Maine Governor Paul LePage said something about something. This is in error.
• With twenty seconds on the clock and the (properly-inflated) ball on the 1-yard line, Seattle Seahawks coach Pete Carroll orders a pass play that results in an interception by, and Super Bowl victory for, the New England Patriots. This was in error. The correct play was: secretly tying the shoelaces of the Patriots' defensive line together while distracting them with cute baby animal pics, waiting for them to fall down after the snap like a chorus line being struck by a bowling ball, and then throwing the pass.
We're sure they regret their errors and will all resign in disgrace.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, February 4, 2015
Note: To avoid cabin fever, don’t live in a cabin. Hugs, Heloise
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10 days, hepcats.
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Daylight Saving Time kicks in:
32
Days 'til the
Mid-Atlantic Jazz Festival in Rockland, Maryland:
10
Drop in the number of the chronically-homeless since 2010:
10%
(Source: AP)
Date on which applications will start being accepted for deportation relief as part of President Obama's immigration executive order:
2/18/15
The last year the University of Michigan's consumer sentiment index was as high as it is today (98.1):
2004
Number of people who watched the Patriots win Super Bowl XXXVVVIIII:
114.4 million
Rank of the Budweiser "puppy meets demon sheep" ad on USA Today's Super Bowl
ad meter this year:
#1
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 179 (including 4 Apostasies and a bunch of nimrods who think they can prevent God from destroying America by yelling really loud). Soul Protection Factor 8 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Here's today's puppy care tip: don't throw your puppy out of a car into a snow bank. Apparently some idiot hasn't learned this yet.
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CHEERS to a ringing endorsement. You can tell a budget's worth by putting it through the junior senator from Vermont's Bernietron 5000. This week President Obama unveiled his fiscal road map for America, and Senator Sanders---the new ranking member on the Budget Committee (woo hoo!) and a tough critic---has rendered his verdict in USA Today:
Happy Bernie!
President Obama's budget moves us in the right direction.
[T]he president's proposal to increase funding for infrastructure will make our country more productive and safer. It will also create millions of good jobs. … [T]he president's plan to make the first two years of community college free is an important step forward in making college accessible for working class families. … [T]he president's effort to end egregious corporate tax loopholes while providing tax breaks for working families is movement in the right direction.
Excellent buy-in from a real socialist liberal. Now we wait to hear the response from the Republicans. Spoiler alert: it will be remarkably similar to the sound of a
Shred-O-Matic.
CHEERS to escorting the clock down the aisle to the altar. Here's something to tickle Justice Roy Moore's morality bone down in crawdad country. A federal judge in the 11th Circuit has rejected the extension of a stay on her marriage ruling, which means the clock is ticking down the remaining 5 days before gay couples can get hitched in the great state of Alabama:
Equality Alabama Board Chairman Ben Cooper said today:
The 11th Circuit did the right thing today for all committed couples and their families in Alabama. … The freedom to marry is a reflection of Alabama’s values of love and family. We look forward to seeing the first joyful weddings take place for same-sex couples throughout the state, and against this backdrop of happy celebrations, we hope the court soon hands down a final ruling that ensures that all committed couples in Alabama, Georgia, and Florida finally have the freedom to marry the person they love.
Same-sex marriage will introduce a new and exciting concept to Alabama: the shotgun-less wedding.
"Hiya!!!!!!!!!!"
CHEERS to #1. On February 4, 1789, George Washington---whom today's right-wingers would despise because he preferred bowing to shaking hands---clinched the presidency with 69 electoral votes. Upon hearing the news, he said his feelings were "...not unlike those of a culprit who is going to the place of his execution." His first official act: providing all Americans equal access to quality mattresses at low, low discount prices, a February tradition that lives on to this day.
JEERS to the random mumblings of Governor Footinmouth. Last night Maine got its annual "state of the state" address, that magical eight uninterrupted hours when our Teapublican governor, Paul LePage, rhetorically straggles through all the hard-line conservative talking points and then proclaims, "The state of our state is…meh, it's too good for you moochers, that's for sure." The speech was punctuated by occasional smatterings of perfunctory applause. But he did say one thing that earned him a well-deserved standing ovation. I believe it was, "In conclusion..."
CHEERS to making the world safe for sexytime. The guy who co-invented the Pill is dead at 91:
Equally admired by
women and men.
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[Carl] Djerassi, who was working up until his death, was best known for his contribution to the first oral contraceptive, and he wrote two books on the subject and three autobiographies. Later in his career, he turned to writing novels and plays, with an emphasis on mixing science and literature, and he considered himself a chemist, teacher, writer, art collector and philanthropist. […]
Aside from his contributions to the Pill, Mr. Djerassi was known among chemists for his work with antihistamines and topical corticosteroids, and for his interest in applying computer modeling and measurement techniques to the field of organic chemistry. He also won the National Medal of Technology for his work in insect control at Zoecon, a company he founded in Palo Alto.
In his honor, today all orgasms will be lowered to half intensity.
CHEERS to the gift that just kept on giving. Happy birthday to former Vice President Dan Quayle, who turns 68 today. He certainly wasn't an evil vice president like Dick Cheney, but I still want to see him tried in the International Criminal Court for torturing the English language:
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice-president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'
If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
You’re still no Jack Kennedy, Dan. But you're also not your idiot son who said
in a campaign ad that Barack Obama was the worst president in history and then got booted after one sorry term in Congress. So for today only---in honor of the occasion and for all the laughter ya brung us---we'll let potato have an e.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 4, 2005
CHEERS to Cojones de la Burro. 36 Democrats (plus Independent Jim Jeffords) said "Um...thank you but no" to Senate confirmation of Alberto Gonzales as Torture Tsar, aka Attorney General. And to the six Dems who voted for him: you'll find "conscience" on page 170 of the Merriam Webster Dictionary. [2/4/15 Update: The Democrat senators who voted for Gonzales: Lieberman, Landrieu, Pryor, Bill Nelson, Ben Nelson and Ken Salazar. Meanwhile, Gonzales now teaches constitutional law in Nashville. I have no words…]
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And just one more…
JEERS to shoving America into the wayback machine. We like to joke that Republicans want to send us back to the 1950s. But when it comes to vaccinations, some on the right---and, sadly, far too many on the left---are actually dragging us back to the 1940s. Artist Banksy posted this vintage cartoon from that decade yesterday on twitter:
If only there was a vaccine against idiocy.
Oh, and today is "Thank A Mail Carrier Day," for which we have one word: Newman!!! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"After much thought and hesitation, I shared Cheers and Jeers with a handful of people I trust and was pleased to hear that they considered it worthy of publication."
---Harper Lee
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