From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Right Wing Riddles
Q What do you call Republicans who believe that federal law trumps state law, state law trumps local law, but state law and local law trump federal law when it's a federal law they don’t agree with?
A Perfectly rational.
Q What do Republicans call a gay guy who's a Republican?
A The invisible man.
Q What do you say when President Obama…..
A "Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi!"
Q What do you call Americans protesting for a livable wage?
A All the reason we need to give police departments more tanks.
Q What do a lollipop and a corporation that pays its taxes have in common?
A They're both suckers.
Q What do you call Netanyahu-Putin 2016?
A A dream ticket.
Q Knock Knock.
A [Blam! Blam! Blam!] Who's there?
Q What word do the tea partiers and the coal industry have in common?
A "Mine!"
Q What do you say when you publicly rail against government spending while grabbing as much government money as possible?
A "Nothing to see here, please move along."
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 12, 2015
Note: If nominated to replace Jon Stewart, I will not accept. If elected, I will not serve.
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Starts tomorrow!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the
National Cherry Blossom Festival in D.C.:
36
Days 'til the
Newport Winter Festival in Rhode Island:
1
Recent drop in the population of monarch butterflies:
90%
Amount the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service is setting aside for projects to create new milkweed-based breeding habitats for monarch butterflies:
$3.2 million
Average per-barrel price of oil as of yesterday morning:
$52
Amount spent on cyberattack insurance in 2014, twice 2013's amount:
$2 billion
(Source:
LA Times)
Days that Auburn University student Cam Brantley-Rios is spending
eating bugs to promote the health benefits of entomophagy:
30
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Since we're right here in the heart of compassionate conservatism, it seems like a good idea to check and see how it's going so far. First rat out of the trap, as it were, our new Republican Texas Senate, led by our new Republican lieutenant governor and urged on by our Republican governor, passed a very compassionate $45 million tax break for the oil and gas industry. So on the evidence thus far, we'd have to say that compassionate conservatism looks a whole lot like the old mean, nasty conservatism we're all used to.
Gov. George W. Bush's first compassionate move was to declare an emergency so the $45 mill tax break can go into effect immediately upon full passage.
---February 1999
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Saved!!!
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CHEERS to a bill worth signing. With Tom Coburn's petty, obstructionist hiney out of the Senate, the Clay Hunt Act finally…finally…made it through Congress, and today President Obama signs it into law:
And this guy claims he's a doctor.
The act, named after Clay Hunt, a former Marine who killed himself in 2011, calls for evaluation of existing U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) mental health and suicide prevention programs, and expands the reach of these programs for veterans.
The legislation also includes the establishment of a pilot program on community outreach. Part of this outreach involves helping colleges and universities aid veterans in transitioning into their communities.
I hope the legislation helps. My advice to suicidal vets is pretty much limited to
we love you to pieces and you'll be missing out on a fucking awesome new Star Wars movie. Like I say, I hope the legislation helps.
CHEERS to blowin' this popsicle stand. After multiple delays due to lapsed license plates and a faulty windshield wiper, NASA's DSCOVR satellite broke through the bonds of gravity last night and soared into orbit to begin its mission of tracking sun farts:
"Jingle jangle jingle jangle..."
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DSCOVR will maintain the nation’s solar wind observations, which are critical to the accuracy and lead time of NOAA’s space weather alerts, forecasts, and warnings. Space weather events like geomagnetic storms caused by changes in solar wind can affect public infrastructure systems, including power grids, telecommunications systems, and aircraft avionics. DSCOVR will provide 15- to 60-minute warning time to improve predictions of geomagnetic storm impact locations.
The liftoff marked a new milestone for NASA. It's the first successful launch of a rocket carrying the inadvertently-dropped keys to Hank the hatch closer's Buick.
JEERS to unnecessary trips in the wayback machine. Kansas Governor Sam Brownback, having dealt with all the other crises in his state, had some time on his hands and decided to rescind an eight-year-old executive order banning job discrimination against state employees who happen to be gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. The governor's courageous move will finally end the tyrannical epidemic of LGBTers not getting fired for being LGBT.
CHEERS to #16. Happy birthday, Abe Lincoln, who turns 206 today. It's no surprise that he's considered by many to be our greatest president, including the 721 historians and political scientists who contributed their opinions to the book, Rating the Presidents:
Only known baby photo of Lincoln.
Our poll rates the category of Lincoln's Character and Integrity the highest of any president's. The poll also lauds his appointments. ... His steady leadership, rated second among presidents [after FDR], kept the Union cause alive during the Civil War's darkest days for the Union. Our experts describe this with remarks like "took America through its greatest crisis," "great moral leader," [and] "had broad strategic vision and a poet's wisdom." ...
He possessed qualities of kindness and compassion. Lincoln also had the wisdom of magnanimousness in victory, especially needed for the national healing after the Civil War. Many of the men reaching the august office of the presidency have lacked these simple but uncommon virtues, which play so important a part in governing a nation.
And he had a few choice words for the future leaders of his own party:
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever met."
"How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg."
Pay
your respects here. Oh, and before I forget: fuck you, Booth.
CHEERS to the other birthday boy. Man, there sure was a lot of brain power released on February 12, 1809. In addition to Lincoln, today is the 206th birthday of Charles Darwin. It's also, in a shocking coincidence that will confound historians for decades, Charles Darwin Day:
And here's proof that devolution exists.
[I]t celebrates the discoveries and life of Charles Darwin---the man who first described biological evolution via natural selection with scientific rigor. More generally, Darwin Day expresses gratitude for the enormous benefits that scientific knowledge, acquired through human curiosity and ingenuity, has contributed to the advancement of humanity.
Meanwhile, the creationism crowd---which spends most of its time mocking the idea that we evolved from chimpanzees---will spend their day picking fleas out of each other's hair and flinging poo.
JEERS to Bibi's deaf ears. As you've no doubt heard, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu is cynically planning to use his relations between Israel and the United States as a party advertisement for his reelection campaign. His planned speech in front of Congress scheduled for March 3 is shameless pandering and totally unacceptable, according to this guy:
I hope he brings more toy props.
"I can't find an example of any previous Israeli government whose prime minister, on the eve of elections, made a cynical attempt to use relations between Israel and the United States as a party advertisement."
That was
Benjamin Netanyahu in May of 1996. He should have a little chat with himself.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 12, 2005
CHEERS to cloaking devices. The Army is trying out uniforms with a new camouflage scheme that makes them virtually invisible. So be very careful before you take your next leak in the woods.
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And just one more…
The patient.
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JEERS to busting up a lousy joint. More on the personal side than political: Tuesday we got confirmation that C&J's two-year-old yellow-lab mix Haley needs to go under the knife. She developed a limp a few weeks back and the vet says it's because a ligament protecting one of her knees went
thwang. "Excess cranial tibial thrust" they call it. God, you see, gave dogs weird back legs---the way the upper and lower bones are angled it's kinda like they're walking around in stilettos their entire lives. And some knees are weaker than others, so here we are. On the 27th, Haley will undergo a "Tibial Plateau Leveling Osteotomy," which will make the bones meet at a more level angle, thus reducing the need for the ligament support. Her activity will be highly restricted for two months, and she should be fully recovered a month or two later. So we'll keep you posted on how she's doing, starting with this: last night we taught her how to push a button that rings a bell anytime she needs anything. She picked it up amazingly fast. On today's agenda:
un-teaching her how to push a button that rings that #!!@%&! bell anytime she needs anything.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Bill in Portland Maine is like deep fried ice cream. His crust is made of crystalline ice, while his interior is colder and more porous."
--- Murthy Gudipati
NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory, Pasadena
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