Joe Biden's touching of Stephanie Carter, which reminded a lot of people of George W. Bush's touching of Angela Merkel, has struck some people as creepy, while others say it is no big deal. Alfred Adler once said that people who pick their noses are stubborn, because they have been told not to do it all their lives, and yet they persist. The same might be said about people who go around touching others inappropriately. For them, no amount of admonishment will suffice. Fortunately, most people are amenable to persuasion on this issue. It is the uncertainty that confounds them. A lot of people would observe the rules, if they could just figure out what the rules are.
There are, of course, books on etiquette, but they cannot completely solve the problem. First, not all books on etiquette will be in agreement on the various topics they discuss, including touching. Second, even where there is agreement, people who have not read those books may have different expectations. I was once best man at a wedding. In anticipation, I read a book by Emily Post. She said that among my various duties was that of protecting the groom’s car from being messed with. At the same time, I was not to spoil the fun of those who did want to tie shoes to the bumper and paint “Just married” on the window. Therefore, I was supposed to allow myself to be lured away by a bridesmaid, while the rest of the gang went to work on the car. Armed with that knowledge as to what my behavior should be, I waited to be seduced by one of the women in the wedding. Instead, as the party began to wind down, a bunch of people came up and asked me if it was time to do stuff to the groom’s car. You see, they hadn’t read the book. So, I shrugged and led the way to the car, contrary to what Emily Post had said was appropriate.
The most fundamental rule of etiquette is that we should behave in a manner that makes people comfortable. Making people uncomfortable by calling attention to their failure to observe some rule of etiquette is outrageous, and yet it happens all too frequently. There is no substitute for being nice. Unfortunately, by being polite, we may mislead others into thinking their behavior is acceptable. Because Stephanie Carter did not react negatively when Joe Biden placed his hands on her shoulders and whispered in her ear, he probably thinks she was just fine with what he did, and cannot figure out why some people are appalled. She did the right thing, of course. But her doing the right thing, politely pretending that she did not mind Biden’s touching her that way, may have misled Biden, as well as others, into thinking that such touching is just fine. Because her manners are better than his, they are likely to remain so.
The Golden Rule is a good place to start. If you are thinking about touching someone, ask yourself how you would feel if he touched you in return. A teacher may think she is acting appropriately by putting her hand on a student’s shoulder as she compliments him for making a good grade. But she should ask herself how she would feel if that student put his hand on her shoulder and complimented her on the day’s lecture. I suspect many teachers would not like it.
In this example, there are three asymmetries. The teacher is a female, while the student is a male; the teacher is older than he is; and the teacher is in a position of authority over him. These asymmetries may lead people to think that the Golden Rule does not apply, that it is all right for a woman to touch a man, for an older person to touch a younger person, and for someone in authority to touch a subordinate, but not the reverse. They should think again. Another asymmetry is physical size. A big man might think it is all right to put his hand on the shoulder of a small man, even though he would recoil if the small man did the same to him.
So far the example has been that of putting one’s hand on the shoulder of another, which is an asymmetrical gesture, often suggesting superiority, which makes the return gesture unwelcome, for it rejects the assertion of superiority with an assertion of equality: “If you can touch me, I can touch you.” The situation is better if it is one of symmetry, for the presumption of superiority is at least absent, but it is still fraught with peril.
In this regard, the Golden Rule often proves inadequate. Instead, what is needed is the Platinum Rule: Do unto others as they would have you do unto them. In other words, the way I would like to be treated is not necessarily the way others would like to be treated. If you like being hugged, the Golden Rule suggests you should hug others, but the Platinum Rule says you should not hug others until you are sure they want to be hugged.
Though hugging is a symmetrical gesture, yet the asymmetry of the sexes is the more important consideration. And here, notwithstanding our egalitarian ideals, there is a double standard that men should be cognizant of. It is more acceptable for a woman to initiate a hug and kiss with a man than it is for the man to initiate such action, as was seen when John Boehner made such a move on Nancy Pelosi. The reason for this is clear. Owing to the strong lusts of men, there is the threat of lechery when the man initiates hugging and kissing, while this is less so when it is the woman who makes the first move. And even if the woman does harbor feelings of sexual desire, a man will find this less threatening than a woman would.
This principle extends onto the dance floor. It is up to the lady to determine how much distance, if any, there is between her and the gentleman she is dancing with. Of course, not only are there some men who will force a closer contact with the woman than she likes, but there are also men who will try to cop a cheap feel. During a group lesson one night, my dancing partner told me she was getting uncomfortable dancing with one of the guys in the room. “Every time he brings his arm across,” she said, “he manages to slide it against my boobs.” She asked me if I thought she should say something to the dance instructor, and I encouraged her to do so. “By all means,” I said, “keep her abreast of the situation.”
Moving right along, I must take this opportunity to consider the etiquette of touching in the doctor’s office. When I was younger, all my doctors were men. Now, I do not like being touched by men, but what really aggravated this aversion was that the doctors would often get me completely naked during the examination. I guess they had the locker-room mentality that it was no big deal. Then one day I went to a female doctor. Having a woman put her hands on me felt natural, and so I was comfortable with that. Moreover, she kept me draped, and only exposed my body as necessary. I have had several female doctors since then, and they all do the same thing, keep me draped as much as possible. My advice to male doctors is to do the same: keep your male patients draped. After all, it is not only women who have to worry about male lust.
At this point, there are some who may be tempted to do a little psychoanalysis, suggesting that my reaction to being touched by men is homophobic or that I have repressed homosexual tendencies. I don’t believe it, but so what if I do? If I don’t like it, I just don’t like it. And this extends to the general topic of touching. People who do not like being touched, who resist being hugged and kissed, are sometimes said to be cold or uptight, the idea being that there is something wrong with them. And by finding something wrong with those who are averse to being touched, they draw the corollary that people like themselves, those who do like touching, are the ones who have a healthy mentality. Thus bolstered by this sense of righteousness, they go around touching people as if that is what is normal and desirable, as if they were doing everyone a favor.
Certainly there are people who like being touched, hugged, and kissed, especially if they are unhappy or depressed, and if we are sure they want such intimacy, such contact is appropriate. And even those of us who do not care for that sort of thing ourselves may nevertheless give them the physical contact they desire. The problem is that we seldom know people well enough to be sure how they feel about touching. Therefore, it is best to err on the side of caution. When in doubt, don’t touch.