April 15, 1803:
An Open Letter to First Counsel Napoleone di Buonaparte and The French Senat:
It has come to our attention by carrier pigeon that in your negotiations with our government that you may not fully understand our constitutional system. Thus, we are writing to bring to your attention two features of our Constitution—the power to make binding international agreements and the different character of federal offices—which you should seriously consider as negotiations progress.
First, under our Constitution, while the president negotiates international agreements, Congress plays the significant role of ratifying them. In the case of a treaty, the Senate must ratify it by a two-thirds vote. A so-called congressional-executive agreement requires a majority vote in both the House and the Senate (which, because of procedural rules, effectively means a three-fifths vote in the Senate). Anything not approved by Congress is a mere executive agreement.
Second, the offices of our Constitution have different characteristics. For example, the president may serve only two 4-year terms, whereas senators may serve an unlimited number of 6-year terms. As applied by custom today, for instance, President Jefferson will leave office at the latest in March 1809, while most of us will remain in office well beyond then—perhaps decades.
What these two constitutional provisions mean is that we will consider any agreement regarding the sale of the Louisiana territory that is not approved by the Congress as nothing more than an executive agreement between President Poopyhead Jefferson and Napoleone di Buonaparte. The next Federalist president could revoke such an executive agreement with the stroke of a quill and future Congresses could modify the terms of the agreement at any time.
In light of this might we suggest that instead of accepting a paltry 15 million dollars for this vast territory that you merely wait for the election of a Federalist President at which time we, the undersigned Federalist Senators, will agree to cede to France, er, gratis if you will, those portions of our Northwest Territories that bound the Great Lakes which would be of great tactical advantage in your never ending wars with Great Britain. Sweet, Huh?
Sincerely,
Senator Tom Cotton (F)
James Hillhouse (F)
Uriah Tracy (F)
William H. Wells (F)
James A. Bayard (F)
Timothy Pickering (F)
John Quincy Adams (F)
Simeon Olcott (F)
William Plumer (F)
Jonathan Dayton (F)
(more beneath yon roiling orange cloud of sedition...)
March 20th, 1865
An Open Letter to Jefferson Davis and the Confederate States of America:
It has come to our attention while observing your surrender negotiations with our government that you may not fully understand our constitutional system. Thus, we are writing to bring to your attention two features of our Constitution—the power to make binding international agreements and the different character of federal offices—which you should seriously consider as negotiations progress.
First, under our Constitution, while the president negotiates international agreements, Congress plays the significant role of ratifying them. In the case of a treaty, the Senate must ratify it by a two-thirds vote. A so-called congressional-executive agreement requires a majority vote in both the House and the Senate (which, because of procedural rules, effectively means a three-fifths vote in the Senate). Anything not approved by Congress is a mere executive agreement.
Second, the offices of our Constitution have different characteristics. For example, the president may serve only two 4-year terms, whereas senators may serve an unlimited number of 6-year terms. As applied by custom today, for instance, President Lincoln will leave office in March of 1869 , while most of us will remain in office well beyond then—perhaps decades.
What these two constitutional provisions mean is that we will consider any agreement regarding your surrender at Appomattox that is not approved by the Congress as nothing more than an executive agreement between President Poopyhead Lincoln and Jefferson Davis. The next Democratic president could revoke such an executive agreement with the stroke of a pen and future Congresses could modify the terms of the agreement at any time.
If you will agree to retreat into the Appalachian wilderness and continue guerrilla operations against the Big Government of these United States we the undersigned guarantee that Mr. Lincoln will meet with misfortune and the new Democratic President Johnson will offer much more favorable terms...at least until he is impeached that is....but we'll plow that Plantation when we get to it.
Deal?
Sincerely,
Senator Tom Cotton (D)
James A. McDougall (D)
Willard Saulsbury, Sr. (D)
George Read Riddle (D)
Thomas A. Hendricks (D)
Garrett Davis (D)
James Guthrie (D)
Reverdy Johnson (D)
William Wright (D)
John P. Stockton (D)
April 1st 1945
An Open Letter to Adolph Hitler and the Leaders of National Socialist Germany and Prime Minister Tojo and the Imperial Empire of Japan:
It has come to our attention while observing your lack of negotiations with our government that you may not fully understand our constitutional system. Thus, we are writing to bring to your attention two features of our Constitution—the power to make binding international agreements and the different character of federal offices—which you should seriously consider as negotiations progress.
First, under our Constitution, while the president negotiates international agreements, Congress plays the significant role of ratifying them. In the case of a treaty, the Senate must ratify it by a two-thirds vote. A so-called congressional-executive agreement requires a majority vote in both the House and the Senate (which, because of procedural rules, effectively means a three-fifths vote in the Senate). Anything not approved by Congress is a mere executive agreement.
Second, the offices of our Constitution have different characteristics. For example, the president may serve only two 4-year terms, whereas senators may serve an unlimited number of 6-year terms. As applied by custom today, for instance, President Roosevelt will leave office God knows when, while most of us will remain in office well beyond then—perhaps decades.
What these two constitutional provisions mean is that we will consider any agreement regarding your unconditional surrender that is not approved by the Congress as nothing more than an executive agreement between President poopyhead Roosevelt and your respective Governments. The next president could revoke such an executive agreement with the stroke of a pen and future Congresses could modify the terms of your unconditional surrender at any time.
Might we suggest a better deal? FDR is a chain smoker who drinks if the afternoon and has a bum ticker. We thinks he has a few weeks left at most. As soon as he is in the ground we will stage a coup d'état against Truman and Marshall and President Patton will unleash the Eighth Air Force and our new super weapon (schematics enclosed) against the Commies on the Oder and tell Douglas MacArthur to proceed directly to Korea. You can keep France and China, but, sorry, Luciano wants Italy back...
Sincerely,
Senator Tom Cotton, (R)
Robert Taft and the rest of the (R) Gang
October, 1968
April, 1980
Sorry for the quick ending some things are just too serious for satire...