(Pretend Governor now Pretending he is Presidential Material...)
In a surprise move, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has fired his aides and hired a public relations firm to replace them. SW&SD Ltd. has agreed to take over the governor's correspondence, press conferences and future in-state speaking events.
Citing his preference for endless campaigning over ethical governance, and the physical exhaustion that attends dodging reporter's questions at profile-raising events nationwide, the governor assured reporters that his new spokesmen were up to the task of concealing his agenda from the public.
“I have a rather spotty record when it comes to hiring reliable staff,” the governor said. Reporters took this to be an oblique reference to the six former Walker aides and staff members who were convicted of various charges. These include embezzlement, money laundering and illegal campaign coordination.
“It's true that some of the people I hired were simply not equal to the commitment and concealment of felonies expected of them,” the governor continued. “But after consulting with ideological programmers from Wisconsin Club for Growth, Freedom Industries, the Heritage Damnation and ALEC, I've been ordered to make a clean sweep.”
Seven men of notably abbreviated stature filed onstage and stood beside the podium. “Since the demands of feudal governance threaten to consume all my wanking hours, I am pleased to introduce my Surrogate Governor's Committee. “They are,” the governor said, pointing to each in turn, “Koch, Sleepy, Grumpy, Dopey, Spiteful, Guilty and Sleazy.”
A stunned silence followed. The seven aides, dressed in workingmen's garb and carrying implements, each presented a notably distinct demeanor to the press corps.
“These men, I can say with confidence, possess the qualities that exemplify my governing ethic. They will now take your questions.” The governor excused himself and left the stage.
“Can one of you explain why the governor tried to change the University of Wisconsin Mission Statement?” blurted one reporter.
The gang of seven exchanged glances. Suddenly they formed a huddle. A flurry of muttered expletives and unintelligible clamor erupted. Breaking the huddle with a loud “Heigh ho!” they reformed a line and the aide known as Koch replied, “Yes.”
Another awkward silence followed.
“Well?” the same reporter asked.
“No followup questions allowed,” said Koch.
“That wasn't a followup!”
“We're eager to give every reporter a chance to participate.” said Koch. “The Governor has made it clear he will establish a new level of government transparency. Next question.”
“Why did the governor try to change the UW Mission Statement?” asked a different reporter.
“We already answered that question,” said Grumpy, “You gotta problem with your hearing?”
“No, you didn't,” said the reporter.
“That's not a question,” said Guilty, “so no comment.”
“Why did the governor try to change the UW Mission Statement?” asked a third reporter. Spiteful flipped him the bird. Sleepy yawned, his eyes half open.
Koch said, “To me, this is a classic example of why people hate Washington and, increasingly, they dislike the press,” he said. “The things they care about don’t even remotely come close to what you’re asking about. Next question. You,” the aide said, pointing at another reporter.
“That's not an answer, that's an evasion. Why did the governor try to change the UW Mission Statement?”
“Look,” said Guilty, “ this was just some miscommunication during the back and forth of the budget process.”
“That's not true,” said a reporter. “The Department of Administration insisted, months ago, that changes be made to the language contained in the Wisconsin Idea. And University of Wisconsin officials objected to the proposed changes even back then. We have the emails and documents to prove it.”
“It's Mike, isn't it?” asked Sleazy. “Hey, how's your mother been doing?
“What?” the reporter looked surprised. “How did-”
“Hope she's recovering from that little fender bender. Hit and run, wasn't it?”
“....Yeah. But how-”
“Take real good care of her. Be a shame to have another accident like that happen, and her still recovering from this last one.”
“What are you-”
“Let's stay on message,” said Koch. “Next question. You, in the back.”
“Look,” said the next reporter, “Governor Walker admitted, after we prodded him for the truth, that UW officials had, in fact, objected to the language changes. The Department of Administration ignored their objections. The governor backtracked when confronted with the facts.”
“Also not a question,” said Grumpy, “You call yourself a journalist?”
“What the governor said,” interrupted Koch, “is that there 'was a confusion out there. It was a mistake that someone made.' I remind you that the governor has an unblemished record of deflecting responsibility for his actions.”
“The Governor lied to us,” came a voice from the press corp.
“Who said that?!” Spiteful roared.
“The governor initiated the changes to the UW Mission Statement,” came the voice, “When knowledge of the changes became public, he and his aides concocted a story that the changes were just a 'drafting error.'”
“Identify yourself!” said Koch.
“I am Vox Populi,” replied the voice. The reporters looked among themselves, baffled.
“Step forward,” said Sleazy, leering, “so we can hear you better.”
Reporters gasped. Sleazy was now brandishing an axe.
“You've ignored me for years,” said Vox, “I'm enjoying the attention. I'm entitled to it, after all.”
“Present your press credentials or you will be escorted from the building,” said Koch. He ordered Grumpy, Spiteful and Sleazy to search the press corp.
“Why did the governor try to change the UW Mission Statement?” Vox asked.
Grumpy, Spiteful and Sleazy, unable to find the source of the voice, pushed their way to the front of the press corp and shrugged their shoulders at Koch.
“I don't know how you managed this little stunt,” said Koch, as the three truncated committee members returned to the stage, “but I insist upon the right of ordinary citizens to be kept fully and completely in line. The Governor,” he continued,” exercising the academic rigor mortis for which he is famous, discovered serious deficiencies in the UW Mission Statement.”
“Believe me, I'd like to discuss the governor and his serious deficiencies.”
Koch's face grew noticeably more rosy. “Governor Walker sincerely deceives that his editing of the University of Wisconsin Mission Statement will promote an engaged and informed populace.” said Koch. “Indeed, he insists that discovering and disseminating knowledge, seeking truth, improving the human condition and developing a sense of purpose, all found in the current version of the University Mission Statement, are now unnecessary and inefficient tasks for future laborers. Alternatives to these distractions and trivial pursuits can be found by consulting Governor Walker's new book.”
Here Koch paused to hold up a hardcover. The title was Everything I Needed to Know about Education I have Avoided since Kindergarten, by Scott Walker. Forward by Louie Gohmert and Ron Johnson.
“About those serious deficiencies-”
“I am in charge!” said Koch. “The Republican majority will mandate that this deeply personal, soul-scorching biography be used as a standard text in classrooms statewide.”
“Curtailing debate and public input again? Like you did on the Right-to-Work-for-Less Bill?”
“We will not be intimidated!” said Koch. “This Press Compliance is over!”
“Or is this another example of hidden-agenda governance, like Act 10?” asked Vox.
“Find that dissident!” roared Koch.
“You will find it harder and harder to ignore me. I am Vox Populi. You have deceived me. Now I will be heard. Your lies will be unveiled. I cannot be silenced.”
Capitol Police suddenly flooded the room and began to circulate among the press corp. One was heard threatening to remove all the journalists to a Department of Administration “Black-Site” if they did not reveal who among them was the so-called “Vox.” After checking press credentials and logging the reporters present, police conducted a pat-down and bag search before ordering an evacuation.
The last few journalists looked over their shoulders to see Koch being comforted by the other Committee Members.
“I am still here,” said Vox.
“What the hell?!” said a reporter. “It wasn't one of us!” The reporters began to push back against the police line. Waving microphones, they shouted at the officers, “It wasn't one of us! Listen!”
The last thing the reporters saw was Spiteful, flipping the bird towards the ceiling. As the doors closed, reporters caught sight of the Surrogate Governor's Committee placing earplugs in their ears, shouldering their implements, and marching off the stage. From the hallway journalists exchanged quizzical looks as they heard the Surrogate Governor's Committee break into song.
Heigh Ho,
Heigh Ho,
It's off to work we go,
To obfuscate,
Lie and conflate
Heigh Ho!
Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho,
Heigh Ho,
We don't share what we know,
Administrate
Means rob the state
Heigh Ho!
Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho,
Heigh Ho,
We work for Koch and so,
We cheat and steal,
And won't reveal,
How low,
How low, How low
How low
We'll go,
It's up to us to show,
There will not be
Prosperity
Until,
Until, Until,
Until,
Your mood,
Is one of servitude,
To rich white men
Who still depend,
Upon,
Upon, upon
Upon,
Consent
To gutting government...
The song trailed off as the reporters were ejected from the building.