From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Big Messy Grab Bag!
"According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to have a doughnut for breakfast, while Democrats prefer to eat bagels and croissants, and independents are that annoying friend who's still looking at the menu after fifteen minutes."
---Jimmy Fallon
"The governor of Indiana has signed a new law allowing businesses to turn away gay and lesbian customers, saying it's part of their religious freedom. You'll be able to tell which stores are supporting the new law because they'll have these helpful little signs:
---Colin Jost, SNL
"I get it now, [Fox News]. Your network launched in 1996, you're 18 years old and, just like every other 18 year-old, you have a massive ego and spend 24 hours a day jerking yourself off."
---Jon Stewart
"The ex-governor of Maryland, Martin O'Malley, said the presidency of the United States is not some crown to be passed between two families. Jeb Bush said that's true. It should really just belong to one family."
---Conan O'Brien
"During a speech on Friday, Senator Ted Cruz said that if you walk up to someone and say 'Joe Biden,' the person will crack up laughing. Which is the same reaction you get if you say 'President Ted Cruz.'"
---Seth Meyers
Hey, west coasters! It's 4:20---huhuhuhuh. C'mon down and splash---we turned the kiddie pool into a giant coconut nest and filled it with Cadbury egg goop. (
"Cannonball!!!") Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, April 3, 2015
Note: Due to money laundering-related incarceration, the Easter Bunny is unable to deliver candy and eggs this year. For your safety, please lock your family in the bathroom until the Easter Python has left. Also for your safety, it's probably a good idea to take the eggs the Easter Python leaves in your Easter basket to your nearest zoo's reptile hut curator. ---Mgt.
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8 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the
shortest total lunar eclipse of the century:
Less than 1
Days 'til the
Northern California Cherry Blossom Festival in San Francisco:
8
Growth in personal income nationally and in Maine, respectively, last year:
3.9%, 2.9%
(Source: Bureau of Economic Analysis)
Estimated number of people born before 1900 who are still alive:
4
Percent of seniors in Japan who live with their children:
43%
(Source:
BBC)
Estimated number of jelly beans produced for Easter:
16 billion
Percent of Americans who believe the correct way to eat a chocolate bunny is to bite the ears off first:
89%
(Source: Forbes)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: By law I have to post this in order to meet the requirements of the PPACA (Precious Puppy and Adorable Care Act):
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CHEERS to achieving the impossible. The Iranian nuclear negotiations were supposed to have gone down in flames, the victim of intransigence, mistrust and outright hostility. Things were supposed to have gone back to the way they were---Bibi's cartoon bombs, Republican calls for war, and everybody (led by Fox News) piling on President Obama as a total foreign-policy failure. So I have just one question for Secretary of State John Kerry: how could you fuck up that narrative so badly by succeeding? I mean, the president might as well be smoking weed with John and Yoko at their '69 Bed-in while trading love beads and putting flowers in everyone's hair with talk like this:
"Somebody call Bibi and
give him the bad news."
Today, the United States---together with our allies and partners---has reached a historic understanding with Iran, which, if fully implemented, will prevent it from obtaining a nuclear weapon. I am convinced that if this framework leads to a final, comprehensive deal, it will make our country, our allies, and our world safer.
Because of our diplomatic efforts, the world stood with us and we were joined at the negotiating table by the world’s major powers---the United Kingdom, France, Germany, Russia, and China, as well as the European Union. […] To the Iranian people, I want to reaffirm what I’ve said since the beginning of my presidency: we are willing to engage you on the basis of mutual interests and mutual respect. […]
I want to express my thanks to our tireless---and I mean tireless---Secretary of State John Kerry and our entire negotiating team. They have worked so hard to make this progress. They represent the best tradition of American diplomacy.
Everybody stand back: I think Charles Krauthammer's gonna blow.
P.S. While Americans barely raised an eyebrow at the prospect of a new era of peace and cooperation with Iran, the Iranian people are absolutely ecstatic. Good luck putting that back in the bottle, hardliners.
JEERS and CHEERS to two sides of the same employment report. The March numbers from the Bureau of Workin' Stiffs came out this morning. Here's the official chart:
The catastrophe on the left is a Bush's legacy. So, yeah---Jeb 2016!!!
Jared Bernstein has his
take on the report here. Here's mine: on the up side, hourly wages were up. On the downside, there were only 126,000 new private-sector jobs. On the other upside: that's good news if you're one of the 126,000. On the downside: if you’re not, it's not. And this is why I have a Nobel in Economics.
CHEERS to a holiday trifecta. In order of appearance:
Never gets old.
• 2015 years ago today (or thereabouts), a bunch of Roman thugs nailed a rabbi to a cross while a filthy rabble with six teeth among them and a combined IQ of 12 watched the poor sap bleed to death. "Good" Friday, my ass.
• Passover is now underway. For Jewish people it's a celebration of the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt. For conservatives, it's a celebration of what modern-day Republicans do to competent people in their ranks.
• Sunday is Easter, the day Christ the Savior
rose from the dead. Also the day Lenny the tomb attendant checked into rehab.
Please: gorge on Easter candy 'til you explode responsibly.
JEERS to today's edition of "The Muslims Are Coming! The Muslims Are Coming!"
Hey, Idaho! The Muslims Are Coming! The Muslims Are Coming!
This has been today's edition of
"The Muslims Are Coming! The Muslims Are Coming!"
CHEERS to deliverin' the goods. On April 3, 1948, Harry Truman signed The Marshall Plan, which gave $5 billion (and, later, another $7 billion) in aid to sixteen European countries so they could rebuild in the wake of World War II. The result:
"Ink's dry. Let's go save Europe."
Marshall Plan aid allowed the nations of Western Europe to relax austerity measures and rationing, reducing discontent and bringing political stability.
The communist influence on Western Europe was greatly reduced, and throughout the region communist parties faded in popularity in the years after the Marshall Plan.
Today Europe is still rebuilding in the wake of
World War III: Revenge of the Banksters by imposing austerity measures and rationing, increasing discontent and bringing political instability. That's what I love most about history: the learning from it part.
"Look, Rose! I'm king of
the parted sea! Woo hoo!"
CHEERS to home vegetation. The elephant in the room on TV this weekend is the annual Easter Sunday airing of Cecil B. DeMille's 189-hour classic
The Ten Commandments on ABC. (Spoiler Alert: Ramses chooses…
poorly.) For best results, watch with the sound turned down and create your own dialogue. There's also sports on TV, including the NCAA Final Fours, plus
NBA and
NHL action. New
DVD releases include
The Imitation Game, Interstellar, and Reese Witherspoon's Oscar-nominated performance in
Wild. Michael Keaton hosts SNL. And after a week off, John Oliver returns to
Last Week Tonight, and I'm looking forward to seeing how he tackles the right's Religious Freedom Week from Hell.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup. Please hold your applause until Ben Carson wins a single caucus or primary:
Meet the Press: I don't know---they haven't updated their site. Let's say it'll be David Brooks in a bunny suit, an archbishop, Joe Scarborough, Andrea Mitchell and Grover Norquist's bathtub.
The archbishop of DC will
be on Fox News Sunday.
This Week: California Gov. Jerry Brown in a bunny suit; Charles Chaput, archbishop of Philadelphia; major league baseball preview with Bud Selig and Keith Olbermann; roundtable with the four pundits who drew the short straws and have to work on Easter.
Face the Nation: U.S. Secretary of Energy Ernest Moniz in a bunny suit; unpacking the Iran framework with Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Nukeum), Margaret Brennan (CBS News), David Ignatius (WaPo) and David Sanger (NYT); Google Santorum and the Human Rights Campaign's Sarah Warbelow on the "Freedom to Discriminate" bills. Then Ruth Marcus shows up on a jelly bean high and sets a new world record by giving a two-thousand-word opinion in 3.6 seconds.
CNN's State of the Union: Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) in a bunny suit and apparently no one else, according to their website. Dianne, dear: when you're done please remember to kill the lights and let the cat out.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Catholic Cardinal Donald Wuerl, archbishop of Washington in a bunny suit; Sen. Bob Corker (R-TN).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: April 3, 2005
CHEERS to the grownups at the table. In today's must-read, columnist Michael Kinsley confirms what we've long suspected: "The party with the best record of serving Republican economic values is the Democrats. It isn't even close." We don't recommend you email that to all your GOP-loving relatives. Deliver it in person instead so you can watch 'em writhe (make sure your camcorder batteries are charged).
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And just one more…
10 years on the front
page! Have some pizza!
CHEERS to ten years of front-page silliness. On Sunday's date in 2005, sixteen months after our debut in the Daily Kos diaries, this little column
got promoted to the front page by Markos. I love to tell the story of that first day: how I posted C&J from my desk at work, then went to a meeting, then went to lunch, then came back to find an email from Kos asking me why I did something horrible with my html formatting that made the front page margins go
kerflooey. (Yes, he said that was the actual sound it made.) I'm happy to say that's the one and only time I broke the blog, and I shall carve the accomplishment on my tombstone.
Whether you're a long-time splasher or a relative newcomer, thank you for reading and supporting this snarky little pimple on the blogiverse's butt. It sure beats the hell out of my previous career denying gays their pizza weddings.
Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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