Get it? Because he was an eye—oh, never mind.
Sen. Rand Paul is running for president. It's not clear why he's running for president, other than finding a new use for his dad's old mailing list, and it's not clear what political expertise Rand Paul brings to the table that could not be matched or exceeded by a worn copy of
Atlas Shrugged tied to a rhododendron.
But what Rand Paul does have is merchandising. No doubt this is where the bulk of Paul's presidential preparation work was done, as his online store is a polished one-stop shop for all things self-promotional. The store is, like Rand Paul, not subtle. Among the items is the "eye chart" above, because Sen. Rand Paul considers his self-certified ophthalmology career to be more of a defining achievement than anything he has done since. Also available:
- "I stand with Rand" car mats. For when you are sitting in your car but feel you are missing the opportunity to properly motivate your feet.
- Two-foot wide car door magnets, so your fellow drivers know you are likely not the sort of person who has kept up on their insurance payments.
- A $15 piece of Rand-logo'd plastic that you can slide awkwardly over the camera at the top of your computer, thereby preventing the NSA from looking at you. Because we've given up on reining in domestic espionage efforts via any non-trinket based solution. Tip: For $14.99 less, you can just write the word "Rand" on an opaque piece of tape and stick that on there.
You may not be the sort of person to go for mere Rand-logo-emblazoned polo shirts, beer steins, bag toss games or the somewhat alarmingly named "Rand on a Stick." Fear not: For $1,000 even you can purchase a copy of our nation's Constitution autographed by Rand Paul himself. Rand Paul was not there for the signing of the original Constitution, you see, but for $1,000 you can pretend that he was. He would have signed it, of course, had he been alive then. Not getting the opportunity has been a lifelong sore point.
Yeah, no thanks.