Because of a programming glitch this diary published the evening of April 4th rather than Sunday April 12th like it should. This is the regular scheduled KosAbility diary.
Caregiving by its very nature is stressful. As a caregiver you have the responsibility of the life of another person. I took my brother from being a noncompliant diabetic at death's door to being a controlled diabetic with multiple health problems caused by his initial noncompliance. I have taken him from 104 pounds to about 160 pounds. Unfortunately the years of not keeping his diabetes under control and 40 years of smoking has created lasting damage that we still have to deal with.
Caregiving is literal life and death sometimes. I have lost count of the number of times in the last year where I had to get his blood sugar up from dangerously low to normal. The worst time being last March when one of his doctor wanted a colonoscopy. What that doctor failed to understand is what a cleansing diet and no insulin could do to a patient. Reid's blood sugar dropped to 32, he collapsed on the floor with grand mal seizures. I thought of the Karo syrup in my kitchen and was feeding him that, listening with the door open for the paramedics, and trying to follow the instructions from 911 on my cell phone's speaker.
Caregiving is not for the squeamish. You have to be prepared to clean bedside commodes and urinals. You have to be prepared to clean the rugs when he can't get to the commode and has diarrhea. You have to work to get urine smells out of carpets when his hands don't work because of the neuropathy.
The dictionary defines stress as "a state of mental or emotional strain or tension resulting from adverse or very demanding circumstances." I think it should also say "see caregiving." Caregiving is the most stressful job I've ever had and I am on round two as a caregiver. I was caregiver to my Mom before she died.
My own health is not robust. I was born premature and have had problems with my lungs ever since. I almost died in second grade when a particularly bad strain of influenza tore through the country and landed me in the hospital. I have never smoked but I still have C.O.P.D. In addition I have arthritis in every joint in my body. Pain and I are on a first name basis. Being a caregiver means having to keep going in spite of pain and keeping an inhaler handy in case the asthma decides to go wonky. Being a caregiver means spending months in an air cast to heal torn tendons because you can't afford to take time out for surgery because their is no one to take care of your brother.
One of the side effects of stress is headaches. These headaches are ever bit as intense as migraines. The only thing that touches the arthritis is Tramadol and that takes the edge off of the headaches but still my Doctor had to prescribe Hydrocodone for when the headaches become too severe. I can't take time off to try and baby the headaches because caregiving is 24/7. There is no time off.
The headaches makes it difficult to sleep. The stress makes the headaches worse. It is hard to turn the brain off and try to get some sleep. There are some nights if I get two hours of sleep I'm lucky. Even with Ambien some nights sleep eludes me completely.
It is a vicious circle where caregiving brings stress, stress brings headaches, headaches makes insomnia worse, which causes more stress. Around and around it goes. Sometimes you want to scream "stop the world I want to get off." You can't though because you made a commitment and your brother's life depends on you being here. He can no longer drive and is pretty much confined to a wheelchair. I have to get him to his multiple doctor's appointments. I have to get him to the hospital. We discovered yesterday his circulation is blocked in his left leg and the terrible sores on his legs and the bottom of his feet won't heal until circulation is restored which means bypass surgery in the next couple of weeks. And so the stress continues.
The question then is what can be done to help reduce the stress? My Doctor did prescribe Buspar for when the stress is really bad. I use it sparingly because it upsets my stomach. Nursing Reid back to better health helped. We still have the after effects to deal with from before he came here and was neglecting his health. I've gotten his weight back up to where it is healthy. I love cooking and am trying to finish up my first cookbook. I would love to find a publisher for it since the dishes are heart and diabetic healthy but still delicious. Working on the cookbook helps lower the stress. I'm a digital artist since I can no longer hold a paintbrush. I love doing artwork. I love writing and many of my pictures will be used as illustrations for upcoming stories. I love doing craft work and am selling jewelry and scarves.
Reid is a morning person and I'm a night owl. After he goes to bed I'll get a glass of wine and a book and read with Pixie cuddled next to me. I love mysteries, science fiction, and fantasy. I also get several cooking magazines and read those or one of my many cookbooks.
When Reid is doing okay and it is nice out I'll walk and take my camera and take nature pictures. I first started doing this with my Mom when she could no longer walk. I'd take pictures for her and print them off on the computer.
One of things that helps me sleep is listening to music. I have a degree in theater and love musicals. I find that with my MP3 player on I can lose myself in the music. I especially love listening to The 10th Anniversary Les Miserables with the incredible Colm Wilkinson. I also have Phantom of the Opera with Michael Crawford. I frequently listen to Josh Groban, John Barrowman, and the Celtic Women. On the worst nights of insomnia I find that music will eventually sooth my mind enough so that I can sleep.
The best stress buster is my cat Pixie. Pixie came into our house when the mother cat had kittens in the storage shed next to our house and then abandoned the kittens as soon as they were weaned. One little black cat however took a look at my Mom and knew she had it made. Mom couldn't figure out why if you let a cat in, feed it, give it the run of the house, and let it sit on your lap why it didn't want to go back to living outside. Pixie added years to my Mom's life. She was with Mom when she died and stayed with the body until my brother got home from work.
Pixie is my little nurse. Anytime I am not feeling well she is right there with me. On days when I have been fighting respiratory infections and can lay down and rest, she will lay next to me so close she is practically on top of me. In the evenings she is next to me as I read. She sleeps next to me at night. She will also get up and check on Reid if he isn't feeling well. I know I am safe putting my headphones on because Pixie will alert me if she hears Reid waking up for any reason. She is my little nurse and of course the Princess around the house.
The circle can't be broken completely. There will always be stress from being a caregiver. The stress will cause headaches. Headaches will make the insomnia worse. At least there are some things I can do to help. I also know that Pixie will be there helping in her own special way.
Reid a year ago.
Reid Now
Make the World Go Away
Fighting the Water Demon
Red Oak Leaf
Butterfly and Stones Necklace
Snow Leopard Scarf
Pixie a.k.a. the Princess