It’s 4AM. I just now read my sister, my twin’s, suicide note. I was so afraid to read what it said because I’m alone right now and I thought it might put me into a tailspin of despair for her suffering.
It came in the mail today and I just couldn’t wait till daybreak to open it, until friends would be with me, even if on the phone. I’ve wanted to Hear her from the moment I heard the horrifying news. I wish I could have been there for her better, and do hold some guilt. If I’d understood where she was at better, I truly do think I could have made some difference, could have helped her more. On the other hand, she’s far away-I’m on the East Coast and she was in LA.- I didn’t have the means to travel, and we are so much better together in person. So I share this with you during these wee hours of the morning. To write and share my thoughts and her words makes me feel a bit less alone. But also, the contents surprise me, and relevant to what is happening in our country.
It’s been several weeks since she took her own life. She’d had a bad year both psychologically and physically. I’d known she’d been an IV drug abuser, but quite functional, and had thought she’d been clean for many years. I’ve recently learned that, prior to this past year, she was was using heavily and had been continuously for decades. I’d also learned that, ironically, she had gotten sober over a year ago and was clean. Amazingly, she’d been strong enough to quit a decades-long, very serious heroin habit cold turkey! (people who judge drug abusers or suicides as Weak are So. Very. Wrong). And it that had set her into, I think unexpectedly to her, an emotional tailspin over the last year. She no longer had anything anymore to self-medicate, to block what she felt from our abusive childhood, or what she felt about what was going on in her life or in all our lives, and she fell into despair. It did do something to her rational thinking. Additionally, she had fallen and broke some bones in her feet/legs, so was temporarily non-ambulatory. Still, though I’d known she was mentally ill I’d not known she was suicidal. In the weeks since she’d fallen she’d become more clear headed and, at least with me, more upbeat. Perhaps that’s partly my denial, and/or partly being lulled into a false sense of security due to my own familiarity with depression, which has never brought me to the brink of suicide. My twin was so strong, after all, had endured so much. In fact, a week before her suicide, in a wheelchair, she’d actually MOVED. Who moves before they commit suicide? Moving sucks, particularly when over the years you’ve accumulated a lot of belongings. Obviously she didn’t plan her suicide far in advance.
So, I read the content tonight of this suicide note. Know what it was mostly about? Our currently-shitty world. I think the note is quite lucid, though she sometimes repeats herself when she lists her grievances. It is true that, after saying “Sorry”, the first sentence briefly mentions her pain, inside and out. But immediately after, from the second sentence, more than half of the body of her note and majority of her listed explanationsvof her suicide is a list of what she can’t live with.
She says “I Can’t Abide By...”: (all underline and capitalization are hers)
-Greed, Subterfuge, “ALTERNATIVE FACTS”, Liars, Apathy, etc.
-NARCISSISM-Selfishness, Greed, Incompetence mixed with excuses and blame for others
-DESTRUCTION of the Environment
-A U.S. DICTATORSHIP
-WAR, Terrorism, HATE
-Going Backwards in TIme Politically, Socially
-Chaos, State of the World.
-Apathy and lack of care for the poor and downtrodden (note that my sister lived well)
Some of these points are reiterated elsewhere in the note. R. also says she is so very tired, exhausted. She clearly was in despair at the state of her life, which she also shares. However, she mentions this after her list of Trump-caused upsets. Her note looks messy and rushed...but those Trump-inspired things leaped first to her mind and her pen. She had mentioned how much she hated him before, had lamented what was happening as a result of his election. It’s so clear, so prominent, that she was especially demoralized and despairing about what has occurred because of Donald Trump-his demeanor as President and what he has created in this country and the world. I firmly believe if Hillary had won she’d not have been pressed into this lowest state of despair. She would have had hope, in my gut I think enough to survive her bad moment(s). I know my sister’s heart and personality all the way down even as I didn’t apparently know some important details of her adult life or always get along well with her. We shared a womb and a childhood at the exact same age. It matters. We were survivors. Some people dismiss any rational for suicide. Some people think people that commit suicide are crazy or entirely irrational and might dismiss their reasons. She had her reasons. It seems to me that, during her own struggle for hope, the situation with Trunp’s entirely immoral, feckless, leadership that is causing pain to so many people and our world, depleting her limited emotional resources at the time, put her over the edge.
Donald Trump helped kill my sister. Do count her amongst the others he has or will kill. And thanks for hearing me out/reading this. And watch out for your more fragile family members and friends...and yourselves.