Cheers and Jeers: Rum and Coke FRIDAY!

From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...

A change of heart

"I've been thinking."
"Really? What about?"
"I've decided your candidate's better than mine."
"What???"
"Yeah. I've been reading diaries and stuff. Your candidate's better than mine."
"That's weird, because lately I've been leaning toward your candidate."
"Really? How can you say that? Yours is clearly better."
"Not after the stuff I've read. You'd have to be crazy to support that keg of dynamite."
"But yours can beat McCain in November."
"No, yours has a much better chance."
"That's bullcrap.  Yours isn't imploding."
"Well, yours isn’t getting hammered by the press."
"What??? Have you been living in a hole in the ground?"
"No, but I'd say you have."
"Look, I don’t want to fight about this. We're both Democrats and we both want to beat the Republicans, right?"
"Right. But if you're supporting the candidate that I'm running away from, we're gonna get clobbered in November."
"You really are fucked up, you know that?"
"I'm not the one flushing our chances down the crapper, douchebag!"
"Asshole!"
"Party wrecker!"
"I'm writing a diary!"
"Me too!"

[ker-SLAM!]

That went well, I think.

Okay, west coasters, here's your intellectual crack fix for the week. Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Friday, March 28, 2008

Note:  Look at me, I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree.  Or at least I would be if I wasn't holding this bazooka.

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By the Numbers:
Days left to give to Blue Majority candidates so they count in their first-quarter fundraising totals: 3
Days 'til the Guam caucuses: 36
Rank of "drinking game" among reported college hazing practices: #1
Rank of drinking "large amounts of alcohol to the point of getting sick or passing out": #3
(Source: University of Maine nationwide study)
Number of IRS audits last year: 1.4 million
Percent increase from 2006: +7%
(Source: CNNMoney.com via The Week)
Percent chance that inhaling pee vapors from a male cat will get you high: 100%
(Source: Wednesday night's South Park)

And from the Department of Hopeless Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,208
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0

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Puppy Pic of the Day: Cheers to Ken VanMoorhem, who gives new meaning to the term dog trainer.  Heh...I saw your eyes get misty.  Don’t deny it.

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JEERS to quantity over quality.  The opening paragraph of Jonathan Kaplan's story in the Portland Press Herald says it all about Maine's junior senator:

Remember the student in high school who won an award at graduation because she never missed a day?  That child has grown up, and her name is Sen. Susan Collins.

Someone should tell Little Miss Sunshine that good attendance does not equal good judgment.  Kossack Spud1 points out that some of her votes are, shall we say, spotty:

Voted for the AUMF, allowing Bush/Cheney to invade Iraq;
Voted for Bush's massive tax cuts for the wealthy, which are now leading to cuts in Federal aid to Maine; Voted to confirm Roberts and Alito to the [Supreme Court], both men whom oppose abortion rights amongst other ultra-conservative views; Voted to grant telecoms immunity after they knowingly broke the law invading the privacy of their customers.

She was also the lone "Yes" vote for such gems as the "Goats Are People Too Act," "Shave Your Pubes At Work Day" and a bill making coffee breath the official stench of the United States.  Even worse, her "vote" for Best Friend Forever is a lunatic: turncoat Joe Lieberman.  Wanna see this scary woman get the boot in November?  Help the Tom Allen campaign reach its quarterly fundraising goal by turning their red lobster blue.  A competitive Senate seat is a terrible thing to waste.

CHEERS to mushroom-cloud mathematics.  Hooray!  I always feel reassured when the Secretary of Defense wakes up at 3am with a brilliant idea, as Robert Gates did this week: "Hey! Let's count our nukes!"  C&J's hidden microphone is tracking the progress:

"Two thousand three hundred and ninety four...  Two thousand three hundred and ninety four...  Two thousand three hundred and ninety five..."

"Hey, you repeated a number."

"I did?  Which one?"

"I dunno.  I think it had a four in it.  It was, like, twelve four something."

[sigh]  "One...  Two...  Three..."

Have a seat---this might take awhile.

JEERS to today's pop quiz.  Question for the class: Why is it that, whenever a story about an intrusion on our privacy comes out---say, a presidential candidate's passport gets a'peeked into by some private contractor with more zits than brain cells---there always seems to be a follow-up story that says: "Ruh-roh...it's worse than we thought."  Remember, penmanship counts and I'll be grading on a curve.

CHEERS to Ike...whom I likee (that rhymes, right?)  We're surprised that Dwight "Not The Guy From The Office" Eisenhower hasn't been branded a traitor yet by the right-wingers because he had the audacity to expand Social Security and raise the minimum wage.  He died on this date in 1969.  Pay your respects here.  And give him extra points for knowing how to win a war.

JEERS to the moron at the wheel.  At a "press availability" today, an Australian reporter asked President Bush what his opinion was on the withdrawal of Australia's troops from Iraq, given that Chimpy keeps saying that to pull out is to surrender to the terrorists.  The response: "We're taking troops out [of Iraq] just as the Australians are because we're successful."  Uh huh, right. Funny how his story was a little different yesterday:

President George Bush signalled [Thursday] that he is likely to halt the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq this summer because of a fear of a return to the levels of violence seen last year.

He's not even trying anymore, is he?

CHEERS to the bearable blackness of being.  Tomorrow night at 8, Portland will go dark for Earth Hour:

The event, scheduled to take place around the world, is being organized on the Internet as a way to focus attention on global warming and energy conservation.  "It's going to be rolling around the planet," said Liz Seidel, an organizer of the Portland event with the Maine chapter of the Sierra Club. "It was done last year in Sydney, Australia, and more than 2 million businesses and residents turned off their lights for one hour."

One drawback: emergency rooms are bracing for an influx of injuries from people walking into walls and lampposts.  Oh, and then there's the looting.  And the feeling it'll create that we're all alone in the universe and everything is pointless because we're all gonna die anyway.  I hope there's a petting zoo open at 8.

JEERS to wearing white before Memorial Day.  Here in Portland, we celebrated the first full week of spring with a blizzard that officially took us over the 100-inch mark for the season.  What can I say...we like to mess with the crocuses' minds.

CHEERS to guys who deserve statues on the Mall (or at least in one).  Two losses in the world of fast food this week: Egg McMuffin inventor Herb Peterson, 89, and Popeye's Chicken founder Al Copeland, 64...which, coincidentally, are the shelf lives of an Egg McMuffin and Popeye's Chicken.  In honor of the two men, our cholesterol-lowering medication will be lowered to half dose.

CHEERS to the United States Senate.  Wow...they finally stood up and nailed the President for overstepping his authority, and he was pissed.  Sure, the move is a symbolic "slap on the wrist," but he needed it.  So mark this date in your history books: March 28, 1834.  The day Andrew Jackson got his old hickory ass censured, baby!  Maybe we can do it again some day soon...for old time's sake.

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One Year Ago in C&J:  March 28, 2007...

CHEERS to the sharin' of the shamrocks.  Wow...starting May 6, Protestant and Catholic leaders in Ireland are going to share government responsibilities for the first time since, like, ever.  After years of fighting, they realized that they both share one common goal above all others: pissing off the Welsh.

HUZZAH! to fighting faux foes.  Over in the Persian Gulf, a huge American invasion force is conducting war games, mainly to remind Iran that our balls hang lower than theirs.  There was a brief delay when Ensign Whoopsowitz dropped the keys to the aircraft carrier down a grate.  Thank god for Triple-A.

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And just one more...

CHEERS to a good start.  Keith Olbermann---a sane voice in the insane world of cable news (not to mention a bona fide Kossack)---moves to NBC Sunday night at 7 for his fifth-anniversary special:

"When we started this five years ago, I told a reporter that our charge was to stay out of the way of the news: 'News is the news. We will not be screwing around with it,'" Olbermann said in announcing the anniversary special.  "We held true to that promise---we just screwed around with everything about its presentation and interpretation.  And I'm delighted by the results and honored by the incredible loyalty of those viewers who join me each night."

One thing that's always perplexed me is the way he says goodbye to his guests.  Is it, "Great. Thanks for your time..." or is it, "Great thanks for your time..."?  Is the guest's contribution great...or is the magnitude of Keith's thanks for the guests' contribution great?  Perhaps I should unleash one of O'Reilly's goons to find out.  In the meantime I'll just say, "Olbermann time?  Great!  Thanks!"

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And one more quickie cheer: it's the last March weekend of the Bush administration---WOOOOOOOOOOH GET NAKED!!!!  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?

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