WASHINGTON, DC - Facing the threat of significant losses in the midterm elections, the Democratic Party took a bold move in the final week of the campaign. Across the country, voters were inspired by the new party slogan, "We're not as bad as most Republicans!" After years of being dissatisfied by the actions of both major parties, millions were invigorated by this hopeful sign from the Democrats.
Exit polls showed how effective the new slogan was. Large majorities said the economy was their number one factor in their voting choices. 70% told pollsters that they were barely treading water or worse off in their family finances. As one voter told us, "We're barely better off than we'd be under the Republicans - and that's what the Democrats promised us. It's great to vote for honest politicians for a change!"
"Income inequality will only grow half as fast under Democratic administrations," one especially bold candidate had proclaimed. Volunteers flooded his campaign offices.
An unemployed worker expressed his hopes, "If you ignore the 'discouraged workers' and 'underemployed', Pres. Obama got the unemployment rate down to minor recession levels in only six years. And thank goodness the stock market is at an all-time high! I really worry at night about our billionaires and whether the Fed is doing enough for them."
A senior citizen enthused, "The cost of living increase in my Social Security benefits will cover at least half of the increases in my housing and food, maybe a bit more!"
The euphoria over the new slogan led to many organizations pointing out the good work done by Democrats in the last couple of years. One women's rights activist noted, "Pres. Obama could have ruled that all right-wing, anti-woman companies be forbidden to include coverage for contraceptives in their employee health plans, but Obama chose to give right-wing businessmen the right to offer contraceptive coverage if they wished."
Advocates of alternatives to incarceration pointed to the work the administration has done to keep bankers and other businessmen out of jail.
A geeky-looking voter exclaimed, "The US dare not fall behind in technology, and Obama is doing a fine job in surveillance and drone technology!"
Another activist told us, "Signing petitions asking Democrats to do the rights thing is so much fun. It's reassuring that the party isn't planning to take this from us by just doing the right thing on their own. I also love those fake petitions Democrats circulate during campaign season to trick you into going to their donation sites."
Various Democratic officials found ways to follow the new approach.
"After the elections will be a fine time for the FCC to make its decision on net neutrality," a party spokesman suggested. "When voters can't take us to task is when we pay most attention to what the majority wants."
In its efforts to be less bad than the GOP, NY Democrats also placed a proposition on the ballot regarding redistricting. Deranged far-left conspiracy theorists such as the NY Times editors and the NY Civil Liberties Union claim it is a sham intended to simply give the illusion of fighting gerrymandering. True "less bad" Democrats pointed out, "If we actually ended gerrymandering in New York, someone could make a real contrast between that and the gerrymandering that let the GOP have a majority in the House despite getting a minority of the popular vote. That could make the Democrats look (gasp!) significantly different than the Republicans."
To help convince voters that the Democrats weren't that different from Republicans, five retiring Democratic Senators volunteered to refuse to use millions of dollars left over in their campaign accounts to help elect other Democrats.
Meanwhile, the wealthy were practically scared to death with visions that some Democrats - when speaking in front of progressive groups - might once again advocate making the rich pay their fair share.
There was some criticism of the new slogan. George Lakoff suggested, "It would be better framing to say, 'We're a little better than most Republicans.'"