Ohio member of the U.S. House of Representatives Jim Jordan (R-OH 4th District) may be guilty of voter fraud, say some election officials, for voting in Ohio’s April 28th primary election despite his currently residing in President Donald Trump’s colon.
According to Imogene Peal, spokesperson for the office of Secretary of State Frank LaRose, individuals may vote in Ohio elections if they have resided in the state for at least 30 days prior to the election in which they voted.
However, congressional records reveal that during the month leading up to the most recent primary, Jordan was lodged in the president’s rectum like a piece of old corn. Jordan’s office confirmed that this is the position the Congressman feels most comfortable in since it enables him to hide from those accusing him of ignoring sexual misconduct by doctor Richard Strauss at Ohio State University where Jordan was an assistant coach.
Jordan himself has stated publicly that his unique location enables him to more efficiently retrieve any half-baked, semi-digested material the president sends down to him. “When you traffic in lies, conspiracy theories, and obstruction of congressional proceedings bordering on treason, you need to put yourself closer to the source where that material comes from,” Jordan said in May.
One anonymous former wrestler noted, “It’s ironic that he lives with his head up someone else’s ass after years of having it up his own.”
Despite evidence of its being virtually non-existent, voter fraud is a top priority for the Secretary of State’s office, Peal acknowledges. “While legally Jordan could vote from Washington using an absentee ballot,” she clarified, “there are no provisions for allowing someone to vote while inside another person’s gastrointestinal tract.” She notes that President Trump himself remarked that being registered to vote in two different locations could be indicative of voter fraud, unless the person is a friend or relative of his like his daughter Tiffany, Secretary of the Treasury Steve Mnuchin, and former adviser and racist fascism enthusiast Steve Bannon.
In December 2019, after his office allegedly discovered that 354 non-citizens had registered to vote in Ohio, Secretary of State LaRose indicated how seriously he takes the crime of voter fraud: “Even one instance of voter fraud is one too many so this is something that we take seriously. And this is something that when someone votes illegally, they are committing a crime,”
When LaRose was notified of Jordan’s case, LaRose assured reporters that, if it proves criminal, neither he nor the Republican Party would take action. Instead, they will continue to give lip service to law and order while never holding other Republicans accountable for wrongdoing.
“We have far too much work to do in suppressing black and Democratic votes for 2020 to ensure the end of democracy,” LaRose confirmed. “We don’t have time to uphold our oaths of office or protect the Constitution when it may reflect negatively on our party.”