To the best of its ability, Cheers & Jeers posts weekdays from the great state of Maine.
Presidents' Day Happy Fun Quiz
They're creepy and they're kooky, mysterious and spooky. They're altogether ooky, the POTUS Family. And we've got a superior quiz this year. Just guess which president talked smack about one or more of his fellow chief executives (or, in some cases, himself). No cheating—you'll be monitored for compliance from space. Good luck.
1. "[Teddy Roosevelt and William Howard Taft are] Tweedledum and Tweedledee."
a) Cleveland b) Coolidge c) Hayes d) Wilson
2. "General [Zachary] Taylor is, I have no doubt, a well-meaning old man. He is, however, uneducated, exceedingly ignorant of public affairs, and, I should judge, of very ordinary capacity."
a) J.Q. Adams b) Fillmore c) Polk d) W.H. Harrison
Continued on page 42...
Presidents’ Day quiz continued...
3. "I am not fit for this office and never should have been here."
a) W.H. Harrison b) Harding c) Pierce d) Hoover
4. "That [George Washington] was not a scholar is certain. That he was too illiterate, unread, unlearned from his station and reputation is equally past dispute."
a) Madison b) J. Adams c) Reagan d) Hayes
5. "[James Polk] is a bewildered, confounded and miserably perplexed man."
a) Lincoln b) Monroe c) Taylor d) A. Johnson
6. "[William Howard Taft is] a fathead with the brains of a guinea pig."
a) F. Roosevelt b) McKinley c) T. Roosevelt d) Nixon
7. "[Lincoln] is, to the extent of his limited ability and narrow intelligence, [the abolitionists'] willing instrument for all the woe which [has] thus far been brought upon the country and for all the degradation, all the atrocity, all the desolation and ruin."
a) Buchanan b) Pierce c) Tyler d) Grant
8. "If you vote for Nixon, you might go to hell."
a) Truman b) Kennedy c) Hoover d) Reagan
9. "[John Tyler possesses] talents not above mediocrity, and a spirit incapable of expansion to the dimensions of the station upon which he has been cast by the hand of Providence."
a) Jefferson b) Jackson c) Grant d) J.Q. Adams
10. "I always figured the American public wanted a solemn ass for president, so I went along with them."
a) Monroe b) Ford c) B. Harrison d) Coolidge
ANSWERS: 1) d 2) c 3) b 4) b 5) a 6) c 7) b 8) a 9) d 10) d
SCORING: 10 = You're presidential material! 0-9 = Mistakes were made.
And now, our feature presentation...
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Cheers and Jeers for Monday, February 17, 2020
Note: Man on tractor swallowed whole by Grammy-winning pop singer. Our exclusive interview with the farmer in Adele, tonight on Eyewitness News.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Nevada Caucuses: 5
Days 'til the Almond Blossom Festival in Ripon, California: 3
Percent of Democrats and Republicans, respectively, who believe environmental protection should be a priority for the president and Congress, according to Pew Research: 85%, 39%
Percent of women and men, respectively, who believe Trump deserves reelection, according to a Monmouth poll: 36%, 50%
Increase in average gas prices from a year ago at this time: 13%
Number of presidents born before the U.S. became a country: 8
Number of presidents who fought in the Civil War, all for the Union: 7
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Space Force trainee???
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CHEERS to red-faced whiny baby tantrums. Our impeached president spent the weekend pounding his tiny hands on Stephen Miller's freakishly-large melon and spewing chunks of cheeseburger all over his Mar-A-Lago guests as two of his biggest enemies were vindicated Friday. Decorated Lt. Colonel Alexander Vindman, who earned Trump's contempt by telling the truth at the House impeachment hearings, was informed he would not be investigated by the military, but rather lauded and applauded as the fine, upstanding American hero he is. Also in the clear: former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe, whom Trump vilified so loudly that even Satan was like, "Dude, inside voice." And on top of all that, CREW came upon comments by a federal judge who, by god, has had enough:
“I don’t think people like the fact that you got somebody at the top basically trying to dictate whether somebody should be prosecuted. I just think it’s a banana republic when we go down that road and we have those type of statements being made that are conceivably...influencing the ultimate decision,” [U.S. District Judge Reggie] Walton said.
“I think there are a lot of people on the outside who perceive that there is undue, inappropriate pressure being brought to bear.”
Trump was reportedly furious when he found out charges were not going to filed. McCabe called the decision a tremendous“relief” in an interview on CNN, but slammed the DOJ for taking two years to reach an “obvious conclusion.”
Today trump will spend the day the usual way: rage-tweeting, screaming at the staff, and adding to his enemies list. His arteries will also spend the day the usual way: praying for a quick, blessed end.
CHEERS to peace, perhaps, in our time. Things are so dire in this country that this nugget of news from "over there" got buried last week. It would seem that the United States and the Taliban are close to kissing and making up:
A senior U.S. official said Friday the United States and the Taliban have reached a truce agreement that will take effect “very soon” and could lead to withdrawals of American troops from Afghanistan.
The official said the agreement for a seven-day “reduction in violence” to be followed by the start of all-Afghan peace talks within 10 days is “very specific” and covers the entire country, including Afghan government forces. […] The official said the Taliban had committed to a halt in roadside and suicide bombings as well as rocket attacks. The official said the U.S. would monitor the truce and determine if there were any violations.
Yes. The Taliban must stop their bombing attacks. Shame on them. And in other news, eight innocent Afghan civilians were blown up in a U.S. bombing attack. But, in fairness, they had a very good reason. They…uh…um…were showing the Taliban what not to do. Yeah, that's it. Don’t do that, Taliban. Very bad.
CHEERS to longevity. The world has a new oldest man alive, according to the Guinness Book of World Records. Chitetsu Watanabe of Japan, born in 1907, is 112 and just a couple weeks shy of hitting the big one-one-three. The year he was born…
» Einstein was hard at work on his theory of relativity
» The Ford Model R was first produced
» The panic of 1907 sendt the stock market down to 53
» The average U.S. worker made around $300 a year
» A Hershey Bar cost 2 cents
» Oklahoma became a state
» President Teddy Roosevelt shook 8,513 hands in a single day
» The Cubs won the World Series
Watanabe still exercises, makes origami, and keeps sharp with calligraphy and math exercises. He replaces Masazo Nonaka, also of Japan, who on January 20th died from an acute case of being 112 years and 266 days old.
JEERS to the preparing for The Apostrolypse. To help solve the mystery of how, exactly, one punctuates today's holiday, over the weekend I performed my annual ritual of consulting the blizzard of ads appearing in The Portland (Maine) Press Herald and online to get some clarity. This year's batch:
Bed, Bath & Beyond: Presidents' Day
LaZBoy: Presidents Day
Hannaford Supermarkets: Presidents' Day
8Sleep.com: Presidents Day
Staples: Presidents' Day
Pierce Furniture: President's Day
Tempur-pedic: Presidents Day
Walmart: Presidents' Day
Barnes & Noble: President's Day
Target: Presidents Day
Appliances Connection: President's Day
Dell: Presidents' Day
Press Herald Auto Section: Presidents Day
Macy's: Presidents' Day
MattressFirm: Presidents Day
Hub Furniture: Presidents Day and President's Day
We trust this clears up any confusion for at least another year.
CHEERS to legal libations. On this date in 1933, the U.S. Senate passed the Blaine Act, which effectively ended prohibition. Who says Christmas comes in December?
JEERS to sudden deletions. I had a thing all written up about the Daytona 500, but Trump was there so naturally he brought torrential rains and the thing had to be postponed until today. So here’s a suitable placeholder we chose out of millions of options…
I don’t see any wedding rings, ladies and gents.
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Ten years ago in C&J: February 17, 2010
SHRUG to sudden departures. Senator Evan Bayh—a classic Democrat-in-Name-Only—announced yesterday that he's not running for re-election because he says the partisanship has gotten to be just too much for him. Fair enough. For the rest of his life he'll receive gold-plated government health insurance and a little pension that will keep him and the family (whom, we would note, must be rather pissed that he didn’t quit to spend more time with them) comfy cozy. Oh, and he can go out into the private sector now and spin his Senate credentials into any job he wants for millions of dollars. A real man of the people.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to swatting down a gilded, gassy gadfly. A little retro-hilarity here, for which we can thank the massive six-block-long C&J archives. Back on February 17, 2008, when Barack Obama was still just a candidate on the stump, New York Times columnist and elitist penthouse dweller David Brooks offered this bit of snide advice on the now-thankfully-defunct syndicated Chris Matthews Show:
Responding to Chris Matthews' question, "[W]ill Barack Obama's oratorical ability on the lectern in front of big rooms continue to be his winning edge?" The New York Times' David Brooks said: "Yes, but he's got to get away from colleges. Go visit a factory for once."
And here we are, twelve years later. Barack and Michelle Obama are now among the most successful two-term president-first lady duos in our history. And among other ventures, they've created a production company called Higher Ground, dedicated to creating documentaries and other non-fiction programming for Netflix. Their first production won an Academy Award for Best Documentary Feature. And you'll never guess what it's called...
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How humiliating for poor Mr. Brooks. He really should get away from bullshit. And go visit a clue for once.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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