Holy Crosstabs! Thanks to the primal forces of nature, 2024 is already halfway over. The second quarter ended Sunday, and that means it's C&J number-crunching time. Every few months we post results of some recent C&J polls to give you a snapshot of what you pesky gnats from the Great Orange Satan think about this and that, while also reminding ourselves of some of the high/lowlights from the past 90-odd (or, if you prefer, 90 odd) news cycles. Here we go...
✌ With all the GOP defections piling up in April, 60 percent of you thought the House leadership would change parties by Election Day. 21 percent did not.
✌ Florida's supreme court approved a ballot question for November that would enshrine abortion rights into the state constitution, and 79 percent of you think it will pass.
✌ 57 percent of you have witnessed a total solar eclipse in person (15 percent have seen more than one.)
✌ 99 percent of you believe Judge Aileen Cannon should be removed from the classified documents case because she's equal parts laughably unqualified and politically motivated to put her thumb on the scale for Trump.
✌ 99 percent of you also support the $60 billion military aid package for Ukraine that President Biden signed.
✌ As for Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg's job performance, 86 percent give him an A, and 11 percent a B.
✌ Not surprisingly, 95 percent support the DEA's recommendation that marijuana be reclassified from a schedule 1 "most dangerous" drug to a schedule 3 "far less dangerous" drug.
✌ 53 percent of you have attended a city council meeting.
✌ If cost was no issue, 29 percent would take a ride up to the boundary of space in one of those space tourism capsules.
✌ As of June, 26 percent have seen a movie in a theater this year.
✌ And summer is the favorite season among 21 percent of you, and the least-favorite among 28 percent.
As always, thanks for participating in our polls. And please: use your superhuman brain power responsibly. For good, not evil. Except, of course, on National Use Your Superhuman Brain Power For Evil Day.
And now, our feature presentation...
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 3, 2024
Note: Tomorrow morning at the usual time we’ll perform the annual posting of C&J’s first column, written back on July 4, 1776 to celebrate the birth of our baby Republic that would grow up to eventually swallow itself after ingesting a toxic cocktail of greed, power, citizen apathy, and Pop Rocks. Then we’ll post an abbreviated C&J Friday evening from inside its belly. Join us for the fun. (And don’t forget to pick up your wig today from the powderer’s shop.) —Mgt.
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til Trump is sentenced to for committing 34 felonies after the judge postponed it to September 18: 77
Days 'til the Big Stone County Fair in Clinton, Minnesota: 8
Years since illegal border crossings were as low as they were in June: 3
Size of Hurricane Beryl at its destructive peak: Cat. 5
Average daytime high temperature in July at Four Corners National Monument: 93F
Percent of U.S. homeowners who owned a grill or smoker in 2023, up from 64% in 2019: 80%
Age of Martin Mull when he died last week: 80
-
Your Thursday Wednesday Molly Ivins Moment:
Happy birthday, America! Ye Olde Fourth of July rolls around again and finds the Great Nation in, frankly, a somewhat pissy mood. Lots of blame game, name-slinging and general unpleasantness. But there's always an upside. The vice president reports that if you go ahead and let fly with the f-word, it makes you feel better. Anything to get that fun Dick Cheney back to his usual sunny self, I always say.
True, we seem to have had more halcyon national natal days, but if we ignore Iraq for the weekend, we should be able to celebrate our national heritage without punching each other in the eye.
So let's salute all that makes America special, starting with us, the people. Here's to all the musicians from country to hip-hop to rock to classical to jazz to folk to be-bop to norteno to polka to reggae, and to all the fusion forms thereof. Here's to all the artists who get no respect—the washboard players and lute strummers, harmonica blowers and banjo pickers. Here's to their endless generosity in playing special benefits for retired musicians who are ill and have no health insurance, all over America, every night. And here's to the great Ray Charles, bless his heart. May we all hear his version of "America the Beautiful" this holiday.
—July 2004
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: Hello, Bobby…
-
JEERS to missions not accomplished. When I hired them to put this shithole planet out of its misery, they assured me they never miss. And yet…
Two asteroids safely passed our planet this week, and both were large enough to spot in small telescopes. In an astronomical coincidence, they appeared best on the same night, June 28. Asteroid 2011 UL21 is one of the largest near-Earth asteroids visible in amateur telescopes this year, at 1.4 miles wide. That makes it larger than 99% of all known near-Earth objects. However, it passed at a safe distance of 4,122,350 miles from Earth’s surface—or about 17 times farther than the moon—on June 27.
The other asteroid, newly discovered 2024 MK, is a bit smaller, between 400 and 840 feet in diameter. But it passed closer to us than the moon on June 29.
And thanks to their incompetence, Earth is still here, only now the U.S. President has the legal authority to shoot us all in the head. Well, that was the worst twenty bucks I ever spent.
CHEERS to the quote of the day. If you believe "Professor Allan Lichtman," there's one guy who has correctly predicted the outcome of "all ten" of the "previous ten" presidential elections. And "that guy" would be "Professor Allan Lichtman." And if you "believe" everything that I just put in "quotes," then you'll be happy to hear his "admonishment" to the "opportunistic, clickbait-mad motherf*ckers desperate for attention" (that's my quote, by the way, not his, and I've outdone myself there if we're all being honest) who want President Biden to drop out of the race, "Professor Allan Lichtman" says "hold your freaking horses and the horse they rode in on":
"I have a system, as you know, that’s been successful…since 1984 and the way it works, I have 13 keys. If six fall against the White House party, [t]hey are predicted losers.
Biden ticks off the incumbency key and he ticks off the party contest key. You push him out, you lose the incumbency key and you lose the contest key. [T]hey start two keys down and only four more keys would have to fall.
Moreover, how often, since the turn of the 20th century, has the party holding the White House ever won in an open seat with an uncertain or contested nomination? The answer is never. And that’s what all these critics would be setting up if they pushed Biden out of this race. They could not be more misguided.
And in terms of Biden’s capacities. I’m not a neurologist. They are not neurologists. They have no standing to comment on that. And I would only say far better to judge Biden by three and three quarter years or so of his presidency than 90 minutes."
To coin a phrase: "Thank you."
CHEERS to the T&A Revolution. During this week in 1946, the bikini debuted at a fashion show at the Molitor Pool in Paris. It was created by men. Shocking, huh.
-
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
-
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
-
CHEERS to Men and women in Black. The Secret Service went to work this week in 1865. Its original intent was to prevent the spread of counterfeit currency.
It wasn't until after the McKinley assassination that the service began protecting the president. Which reminds me: if you ever want to intimidate someone, just stare at them while talking into your wrist. (The old lady across the street is now poppin' Prozac like candy...)
CHEERS to the King. As we prepare to celebrate tomorrow's official federal holiday for reasons that no longer carry meaning or relevance, here’s some good news on THE ONLY ISSUE THAT MATTERS TO VOTERS OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT OUT OF CONTROL IMMIGRATION MOMMY MOMMY I WANT MY MOMMY! Our new monarch, Benevolent King Joe I has bestowed the most satisfactory of gifts upon the peasantry:
Illegal crossings along the U.S. southern border fell to a 3-year low in June following President Biden's move to curtail asylum and continued efforts by Mexico to stop migrants heading north, according to preliminary Customs and Border Protection data obtained by CBS News.
June's migrant apprehension tally was also the fourth consecutive monthly drop, continuing an unexpected downward trend in illegal border crossings that started in the early spring.
Now we peasant voters can finally move on to the next-most-important issue we care about under King Joe: the rising cost of swill.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: July 3, 2014
CHEERS to the Howard Hall of Fame. Ron Howard. Howard Dean. Howard Johnson. Just a few of the great Howards that walk or walked among us. And now, two more Howards have made the list less than a day apart. Team USA goalkeeper Tim Howard is Superman with Jazz Hands! His pedestal is immovable. And then there's Michelle Howard…or should I say Four Star Admiral Michelle Howard:
"If you don't believe today was a first, when I called to order four-star shoulder boards for women, they didn't exist," Howard said. "A special contract was let, and you folks are seeing the first set in the history of the United States Navy."
A 1982 Naval Academy graduate, Howard has achieved many firsts in her career. She was the first black woman to command a ship—the amphibious dock landing ship Rushmore in 1999—and went on to command Amphibious Squadron 7 and later Expeditionary Strike Group 2.
That's not all. Howard is also the first naval commander—male or female—to finally figure out who really stole the quart of strawberries.
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to blowing this popsicle stand. Every time you go outside on a clear night you’re doing yourself a grave disservice if you don’t look up and gasp as you realize that the universe up there is pretty spectacular. The elves at NASA are also aware of this, so they always let us in on the big celestial events for the month. Here’s a look at July’s skywatching tips, including hot planet-on-planet action and the scorpion’s sting:
-
And if there are any benevolent societies out there in the cosmos reading this who are good at solving problems on planets inhabited by self-immolating halfwits: Help!
Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
"Cheers and Jeers has long been a symbol of power. It was often called the "king of kiddie pools" in ancient India."
—Olivia Munson
-