Chapter 2
Being Two Soul
There was another big reason as well that I left Christianity. At the time that I was younger I felt out of place with everyone around me. In High School I was getting picked on for being different. Part of it was because of the fact that I was Transgender or in the Spiritual Sense Two Soul. This is part of my Spirituality I was born with. I did not start to show signs of it till High School and I kept it from my parents. For me I like it would be more of a stress to tell them that I was Transgender because I did not want them to think I was that way because of something they did.
At this time of my life my parents were fighting over marriage, but it was also common within a family structure to have issues. They had 3 kids to care for and we were all growing up different. For my sister she was growing up to be the one who wanted everything in High School just like the popular kids. My brother was kind of in between fitting in with different groups but I'd call them similar to skaters or punks at the time. Not really claiming they were part of anything just there getting by. Yet for me I was different.
I hide behind the computer and hide many of my problems that I could not handle because my body was not built for athletes and my mind was drain more towards anime at the time. Plus I was finding out that the internet had a lot of things that one could do. Our first internet connection was one of the webtv units. I remember at the time hooking up to a chatroom that was part of a family safe area. This was my first time I found true release from the issues of normal life. It wasn't about being Spiritual knowing God or Jesus it was just about finding out there was a world beside the real world that we live in I spent the whole night just chatting because I could finally tell things that were own my mind. That might have been the first step of my Spiritual Development because computers allow us to enter a dream like world. This dream like world can give us games to play as well as entertain us for hours. it is basically taken a part of our brain and allowing us to escape reality.
It is also that escape from reality that for some reason seems to allow questions to pop up. The question of who am I and what I am seems to be the first that popped up into my mind. When that question came up a voice seemed to answer from the dream realm itself not the computer. The voice itself was calling to me as if trying to escape from my mind. I remember being in a mall with a girl a lone on a chair. I went to ask if everything was ok, but she just said why won't you let me out? I didn't understand what she meant by let out and I didn't understand how a dream could feel so real. I had woke up before I could ask more questions from the girl I saw.
You could say this girl was the first real sense of something being different within the dream realm. Remember within the first Chapter I mention that I was having nightmares. It true that nightmares gave places and names. One of the nightmares I used to have was a repeating nightmare. During that nightmare I could feel a person causing horrible scenes to play out within the dream. I could feel the person name as well I remember screaming out that I wanted that person to stop causing such horrible dreams. I wanted a way to stop having to watch the scenes that played out as the dreams caused so much pain to my heart.
What also happen during the time was I remember going into a room within the dream itself. There was a lady at a desk asked how she could help me. I told her that I was tired of such and such name causing such dreams that I wanted to see the person in charge. I remember going to a room where people were all waiting, but before I could see anyone I woke up without getting a answer from the dream of why I had to suffer the nightmare I was because someone else thought it was funny to display it. That is why this girl was different she wasn't harming me, but she was something not of a nightmare yet trying to get out.
After I found the girl I started to research different feelings I was having about and came across the term Transgender. The term meant people who came together feeling like they were not male but female. For me this feeling of being female was something I had always thought about and started to find memories within me of my childhood watching my sister getting to do ballet when she was little, but the part of me that never got to do those things. There was a part of my mom that also thought I was jealous of my sister, but what my mom didn't know is that I was never truly jealous of my sister just that something inside me wanted to be a girl and didn't know what that meant.
That was who this girl was that I had found. She was part of me trying to always find her way to the surface. In a term of Spirituality you might say the girl was my female Goddess part while the male was my male God part. Through each other we were trying to find a balance. In another sense she felt like a soul that had been part of me. While we try to achieve ying and yang of both halves of ourselves one must always be away from each other.
In the world within what we live right now many people do not understand Transgender Souls. The souls are also made to feel that they are evil or something is wrong with them. Imagine awareness of who you are but being afraid to come out as who you are because friends and female might hate your or disown you because of what you are. This is the same in a sense of what it is like being a Witch within a society of those who would want to do you harm.
You are trapped and shut off from those who could help you or love you. Part of you faces the thoughts that you should never have been born or that you regret the way that the body is when you wake up in the morning. Yes since I woke up to the realization of who I was I never was jealous of my sister it had always been more sadness that I hated who I was. I could never be happy with the reality that I was a girl not in body. This caused many issues with me. Yet there was something that happen during this time that sparked another transformation of my Spiritual self over the reality of my physical self.
I was about 17 or 18 and I had just been watching my parents fight again. I had also been picked on in school to the point that I was crying and ran away from class. It seemed like there was no escape for me from the physical pain of being tormented by bullies at school and what my parents were facing. I had bottled up who I was and I was about to do something very stupid. I had a knife to my heart. Within that point I was about jam it through my heart and end everything. Nobody knew at that age how close I came to killing myself. My own family did not even have a idea that I could have been suicidal at the time.
There was something that stopped me from doing it. I do not know if it wasn't the strength to do it or if it was something that held me back. I just remember crying in the bed at night and stirring at the wall. It was like a shift or something within the room started to change. I remember being pulled through what felt like a dream state or could be described as vision state. I had been floating through space to a desert like area. Within this desert area I saw three dressed in black robs standing by huge pots that looked right out of a fantasy story about witches. I remember the three talking about we can use this one.
What happen next would guild my life on a new search two terms came one was Ancient Ones and the other was Observer of Life. These two terms are what guided my journey through the next stages of my Spiritual awakening. At the time I had no idea what was happening because I did not know of what a vision quest was or what could happen through meditation. At the time I did not even know anything of what remote viewing was to a Witch or that we could Astral project. I had been pulled through a Astral Projection by what could have been the Aspects of the Goddess or the Fates themselves. Yet at the time I had no idea I was special enough to receive something like this. The only thing I knew is that I had questions and no answers. I had Spiritual Awareness that something in my life just hit me. Something in my life had just changed and the only two items I took away from it was The Ancient Ones and Observer of Life.
The Ancient Ones were the first term I searched out for which lead me to finding my way to the Anasazi's. At the time I was also trying to read the bible and go to church with a friend of mine. I do not look at those times as bad times when I was going to church with my friend we were kids and he did care enough about me and my life. We didn't see eye to eye with each other and he knew some of my things were against his religion which I found out when it came to a video game. It was a fantasy game with characters in it that were heros but they had demons as pets so that was enough to start to see a hint that some things were always going to be left unsaid.
I also tried to be good on respecting the Christian faith at the time. Remember I was confused about what had happen I nearly took my own life and I didn't ask to be a Witch I asked for Spirituality. I was leeching onto what was easiest for me to get and when we awaken to that which we do not understand on our Spiritual path we will tend to find answers that are within our reach because in the USA Christianity was there. I didn't even know there was such a thing as metaphysics or other ideas of Religion. I was so shut out as a kid and didn't even know shops existed that sold books on Witchcraft till I accidentally found a book on remote viewing in a half price book store by accident.
I had also not been exposed to the part about hate yet when it came to Transgender people till I got deeper within the church. For me I was hearing the good things about love and God love. When I started to hear that sin was wrong that is when I felt something was not right with me about the Christian faith. I didn't want to hate anyone when I had been hated so much at school for just being me. I wanted to love the understanding of one self.
Remember at this time I had been given term Ancient Ones. I believed the Anasazi were part of the Ancient Ones. What opened me up to a new world was that the Anasazi were a Mystery because they had suddenly disappeared. There were two conflicts with the Anasazi one was why they transcended to another place and the other were the stories about them nobody could say what truly happen. It was also during this time that I learned what the term Two Soul meant.
My Spirituality and my understanding of who I was had taken different leaps on the path of what I was because there was another thing I learned from this time period that was the term Star Seed. Within some forms of the culture it was believed people came from the stars and we were planted within this plane to help others find their way back to the stars. Not to mention that Native American tribes respected the Two Souls as special people and often they got to be placed within special ranks.
This is the shape that my Spirituality had found itself within due to the conflict of everything happening within my life. Some people might be wondering how someone could learn to accept a pathway like that and make it into a rational belief system well it was easy for me because I was trying to find something to fill what was missing within my life and explain why I was Transgender. I had no answer for who I was or why I had been born as person who thought they were female I just knew I was different. Plus this was around the time something else within my Spiritual life shook me.
I was laying within bed and I felt myself being lifted up off the bed. I remember being scared to death watching a liquid metal orb start spinning and growing within my room. I remember the first feeling I had was that I was being abducted by Aliens. Imagine being within your 20's you are still facing paths of Spirituality being awaken. As you are awakening your path you are having events that you can not explain because what you are seeing doesn't make sense to you. There is no way any of this should have been happening. I remember at that point being scared to even talk to it because I thought someone was going to think I was crazy. Parts of me at the time wondered if I was crazy.
This is the time that I started to shut off who I was developing into because I didn't want anything else like that to happen. I had no control over my spirituality and it was all developing while I was a lone with no help to find answers. I had gotten into something that was way over my head and I didn't want to go any further. I remember thinking to myself that I had played with fire and God really was going to punish me because I was awakening the devil.
This is another part of what we face when we are learning who we are because we will allow what we do not understand to drive us to a level that it makes us think we are doing something that we might not be. I didn't know anything at the time about sleep paralysis or what can happen while you are about to leave the body doing a astral projection. Remember I was just starting to find out about remote viewing. What I knew at the time was about Christianity.
The knowledge of the Anasazi and finding information on different paths lead my mind down a dark path. Instead of coming out to my parents like I was about to I hid the part that about me being Transgender. I was still talking to people online, but I was also getting into with someone who would hold me back even more. A friend I trusted took advantage of my heart. Who was right or wrong in this I do not know, but during this time I placed myself on hold to take care of someone who had lost their mother.
At the time I thought were developing a bond of trust almost like I was finding through her experience a second person that cared for me. I let my guard down because I knew my heart was my Second Soul. That was one of the most fatal mistakes I made. I became caught up within issues that brought me to where I am today with my health. Do understand my Transgender self or Second Soul is my most precious part of me. If it is hurt the biggest part of me is hurt a long with it. It gave me strength, but it also gave me a double edge sword because if someone took advantage of me I could end up physically worse then what I started out.
I also at the time cared enough for this person I was willing to allow myself to place my own self on hold. It became more about the other person then me with threats that if I left the person might kill their self I only tried to do what was right with this person who I cared about. After their mother died they would have been a lone and I truly felt I was taking on part of a charge within my life that got to be to much. The Charge betrayed me and took a big part of my health.
My health was a back injury that I suffered. That is part of the struggle I face right now while I am going through this chapter of my own depression and regrets of life. The regret I have from this is that someone I truly care about they forced me to choice between them. It was the choice of being made to give up one person over another. I had a Aunt who truly cared about me. You might say my Aunt is even more special to me because she has always been like a Elder Witch watching over me and caring.
This part of the chapter is little bit rumbled but I'll try to make better since of it. When it goes back to the Transgender my Aunt wasn't a blood relative just like the other person who I thought was special to me wasn't a blood relative. I thought both were special in my life because one helped me find the Spiritual path of accepting who I am and one helped me care.
The one who I helped me care is the one who I am picked to stay with. My heart would do anything for her because she has proven that it was never just about money me being there. While I faced being denied for disability she was struggling herself. Yet she was always there for me. What little could be done she always did even though on the weekends I had to go to the other place.
I started to hate to go back to my very home the thought of leaving my Aunt caused me great pain I just wanted to be there , but at the time the betrayal had not taken place yet. I had not been so deeply exploited after hearing words that If I stopped working I would be shipped back to Dallas. What is worse that on the phone when I finally took short term disability at work that the person who betrayal me said that the money that I was going to pay for my doctors was his money. If I did not give all of it over I could just send flowers to his funeral.
I was torn because I had tried to do everything right and they didn't even care that I was needing the money to fix my back. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying because I was caught. I finally gave over the little money I had left fearing that the guilt I would live with from a person killing them self because of me would be a whole lot worse. I allowed myself to carry a weight deeper then hurt because I had allowed myself to let down my Guard. I also knew that this person held a secret about me being Transgender that I didn't know if I could face.
Part of me knew I was being exploited and part of me knew I had already allowed more harm to hurt me. I had also been at the time mad at the Gods and Goddesses because I lived in a world at this point knowing that they were up there , but nobody did anything to help me during this time. This is because so much had happen in my life to confuse my outlook of Spirituality that I was truly feeling I could have been crazy. My Faith and my life itself was letting me down. Not to mention at the time I was missing the part about how the only one who had truly loved me was watching me suffer in pain. I was truly causing regret and pain to not only me, but my family that I cared for more then life itself.
I also hated the fact that I knew through my Spirituality that the fairies were there. Part of me wanted the fairies to take me away or another part questioned why if the fairies were real they couldn't send a teacher to teach me magic. My mind took on a dark path during this Development of my Spirituality. My faith itself was also being torn because again the one person who had always cared for me and guided me had to send me back to my parents.
Everything I had gained of family had been crushed by the feeling of regret as I was forced to face what my Spirituality had become. It was all a illusion of my own inner emotional trauma. My ideas and my beliefs. My strengths were torn from what had been a guiding light to help me as someone who might have been considered Two soul to a person who has been stuck within their bed a lone and away from friends and family in another state. I was separated from everyone.
My parents again love me as well as my family who loves me. While I was stuck back in Texas. My heart had to deal with the fact that I would be betrayed again in person by the one who I thought cared. My ex roommates told my work that I had moved back to Texas. I had planned to move back in with my Aunt when it was safe and we were going to use my medical leave to basically get myself recovered because my Aunt who cared about me sent me home to my parents out of love. I could not walk because my foot felt like it was having needles be pushed into due to the sciatic I suffer.
That is why my Aunt wasn't giving up on me she still loved me but with being betrayed once more by the other roommates I was now fighting work who wanted me to resign which I knew meant that I wouldn't be able to recover they were going to take my insurance away. This is the depression that I faced as I realized I was a lone in the world. The other person had won and I lost everything because I only wanted to be with my Aunt.
At this point I had one of the strangest Dreams of my life I dreamed of Zues causing pain to my body in another life time out of jealousy for something I may or may not have been responsible for. My hate wasn't for the acts of Christianity, but it felt like the Gods were causing me to suffer so much pain in my life that I didn't understand why one person should suffer this much. What crime have I done from a past life that was so bad that I should be forced to be separated from my loved ones? Why does karma cause us harm when we try to do the right thing. I had done everything to be worthy of the Gods and Goddesses within my own Spirituality but at this point I was allowing my views of Spirituality to rule what were false emotions. My pain and suffering had projected that the Gods were allowing me to suffer and I would have wanted war with the Gods and Goddesses to stop it.
Yes I know this is a delusional thought, but again it shows how people who face challenges within life can have their own Spirituality put into views shaped by their own lives in a ways that are the cause of what we want to understand. It's the danger of allowing our emotions to control the state of our pain. In my world I am Crushed from knowing of who I am and the physical events of my life that has lead up to this point.
In the knowledge of my search for Spirituality I had allowed myself to see the symbols of our belief as a whole. A person who would give their life to save another in a heart beat was willing to take on a view that the Gods and Goddesses be damned. I had been torn by so much that the only light came from the realization that it wasn't magic that caused this or a act of being Transgender. What caused this was the acts of life themselves. I was forced to go down a road of Spirituality without the faith of understanding that we can drive ourselves crazy if we allow events to control our emotional state of understanding.
I was even to the point of my faith that I blamed magic as a curse. I believed that what I so loved about who we are was just trying to harm me and there was no way to protect myself without shutting myself in a shield or ward big enough to block out everything. What is worse is that they could have sent a teacher. I had been a lone through this whole journey a lone to face a world that I was not born into. I had been a lone and what I treasured most about my faith only wished to do me harm. This is not true, but it is what one can come to believe by stepping on the wrong thought. We can be a danger to ourselves when we allow ourselves to go to deep down the rabbit hole. Yet faith shouldn't be that way.
What renewed my faith was a understanding that my life while bad might not be the best of what it should be, but I can leave the lessons of wisdom so that someone who is struggling this very same path might not have such as hard lessons as I had during my steps of this path. These very words are here to let you know that no matter what world or part of the world you are born into that you are not a lone. We are all struggling to make sense of this Spiritual journey. We are all struggling to come together within a world that we may not have a teacher to teach us. We are all here to find safety within family.
To me my family is my Aunt who only wanted what was right for me. My Aunt who cared as a Elder Witch watching over me even when we didn't know what the term meant. My Aunt who knows more then me but has questions that go answer found her way into the heart of a younger Witch. We could not see how we protected each other through these hard times, but the protection we provide for each other is understanding, trust, and love. Our pack that we have always shared is that through each other of us we do not force our ideas upon another. We do not disrespect those who are learning. We try to understand our way may not be the right way.
In the end my Aunt and I who I have come to love and bond with by opening my heart is someone I respect more then life. She may never know all the answers that I need, but she loves me. Instead of fearing the betray that I faced over my health I have come to move past the regret of what happen. I moved past the regret into a direction of trust within my Aunt and family. I won't let what one person did on my Spiritual path or my own failings stop me from being there for my family and others. This is part of being Spiritual that we all have to accept in our lives. We will fail down that road and we will overcome many things. Those failures may seem like the hardest lessons that even the Gods and Goddesses are against us, but in truth the lesson is we must come together in our Spiritual faith. If we come together as a whole we can make this world a better place for those who are explaining their own spirituality. By coming together we can find the inner peace.
Do not be afraid to walk the path of Spirituality I just pray that if you need help you will find it. Our world needs more ways for those who are opening up to be safe out there. I think I'll end this chapter with a blessing May The Gods and Goddess always protect those and watch over those who we do not know are always watching over us.
After I found the girl I started to research different feelings I was having about and came across the term Transgender. The term meant people who came together feeling like they were not male but female. For me this feeling of being female was something I had always thought about and started to find memories within me of my childhood watching my sister getting to do ballet when she was little, but the part of me that never got to do those things. There was a part of my mom that also thought I was jealous of my sister, but what my mom didn't know is that I was never truly jealous of my sister just that something inside me wanted to be a girl and didn't know what that meant.
That was who this girl was that I had found. She was part of me trying to always find her way to the surface. In a term of Spirituality you might say the girl was my female Goddess part while the male was my male God part. Through each other we were trying to find a balance. In another sense she felt like a soul that had been part of me. While we try to achieve ying and yang of both halves of ourselves one must always be away from each other.
In the world within what we live right now many people do not understand Transgender Souls. The souls are also made to feel that they are evil or something is wrong with them. Imagine awareness of who you are but being afraid to come out as who you are because friends and female might hate your or disown you because of what you are. This is the same in a sense of what it is like being a Witch within a society of those who would want to do you harm.
You are trapped and shut off from those who could help you or love you. Part of you faces the thoughts that you should never have been born or that you regret the way that the body is when you wake up in the morning. Yes since I woke up to the realization of who I was I never was jealous of my sister it had always been more sadness that I hated who I was. I could never be happy with the reality that I was a girl not in body. This caused many issues with me. Yet there was something that happen during this time that sparked another transformation of my Spiritual self over the reality of my physical self.
I was about 17 or 18 and I had just been watching my parents fight again. I had also been picked on in school to the point that I was crying and ran away from class. It seemed like there was no escape for me from the physical pain of being tormented by bullies at school and what my parents were facing. I had bottled up who I was and I was about to do something very stupid. I had a knife to my heart. Within that point I was about jam it through my heart and end everything. Nobody knew at that age how close I came to killing myself. My own family did not even have a idea that I could have been suicidal at the time.
There was something that stopped me from doing it. I do not know if it wasn't the strength to do it or if it was something that held me back. I just remember crying in the bed at night and stirring at the wall. It was like a shift or something within the room started to change. I remember being pulled through what felt like a dream state or could be described as vision state. I had been floating through space to a desert like area. Within this desert area I saw three dressed in black robs standing by huge pots that looked right out of a fantasy story about witches. I remember the three talking about we can use this one.
What happen next would guild my life on a new search two terms came one was Ancient Ones and the other was Observer of Life. These two terms are what guided my journey through the next stages of my Spiritual awakening. At the time I had no idea what was happening because I did not know of what a vision quest was or what could happen through meditation. At the time I did not even know anything of what remote viewing was to a Witch or that we could Astral project. I had been pulled through a Astral Projection by what could have been the Aspects of the Goddess or the Fates themselves. Yet at the time I had no idea I was special enough to receive something like this. The only thing I knew is that I had questions and no answers. I had Spiritual Awareness that something in my life just hit me. Something in my life had just changed and the only two items I took away from it was The Ancient Ones and Observer of Life.
The Ancient Ones were the first term I searched out for which lead me to finding my way to the Anasazi's. At the time I was also trying to read the bible and go to church with a friend of mine. I do not look at those times as bad times when I was going to church with my friend we were kids and he did care enough about me and my life. We didn't see eye to eye with each other and he knew some of my things were against his religion which I found out when it came to a video game. It was a fantasy game with characters in it that were heros but they had demons as pets so that was enough to start to see a hint that some things were always going to be left unsaid.
I also tried to be good on respecting the Christian faith at the time. Remember I was confused about what had happen I nearly took my own life and I didn't ask to be a Witch I asked for Spirituality. I was leeching onto what was easiest for me to get and when we awaken to that which we do not understand on our Spiritual path we will tend to find answers that are within our reach because in the USA Christianity was there. I didn't even know there was such a thing as metaphysics or other ideas of Religion. I was so shut out as a kid and didn't even know shops existed that sold books on Witchcraft till I accidentally found a book on remote viewing in a half price book store by accident.
I had also not been exposed to the part about hate yet when it came to Transgender people till I got deeper within the church. For me I was hearing the good things about love and God love. When I started to hear that sin was wrong that is when I felt something was not right with me about the Christian faith. I didn't want to hate anyone when I had been hated so much at school for just being me. I wanted to love the understanding of one self.
Remember at this time I had been given term Ancient Ones. I believed the Anasazi were part of the Ancient Ones. What opened me up to a new world was that the Anasazi were a Mystery because they had suddenly disappeared. There were two conflicts with the Anasazi one was why they transcended to another place and the other were the stories about them nobody could say what truly happen. It was also during this time that I learned what the term Two Soul meant.
My Spirituality and my understanding of who I was had taken different leaps on the path of what I was because there was another thing I learned from this time period that was the term Star Seed. Within some forms of the culture it was believed people came from the stars and we were planted within this plane to help others find their way back to the stars. Not to mention that Native American tribes respected the Two Souls as special people and often they got to be placed within special ranks.
This is the shape that my Spirituality had found itself within due to the conflict of everything happening within my life. Some people might be wondering how someone could learn to accept a pathway like that and make it into a rational belief system well it was easy for me because I was trying to find something to fill what was missing within my life and explain why I was Transgender. I had no answer for who I was or why I had been born as person who thought they were female I just knew I was different. Plus this was around the time something else within my Spiritual life shook me.
I was laying within bed and I felt myself being lifted up off the bed. I remember being scared to death watching a liquid metal orb start spinning and growing within my room. I remember the first feeling I had was that I was being abducted by Aliens. Imagine being within your 20's you are still facing paths of Spirituality being awaken. As you are awakening your path you are having events that you can not explain because what you are seeing doesn't make sense to you. There is no way any of this should have been happening. I remember at that point being scared to even talk to it because I thought someone was going to think I was crazy. Parts of me at the time wondered if I was crazy.
This is the time that I started to shut off who I was developing into because I didn't want anything else like that to happen. I had no control over my spirituality and it was all developing while I was a lone with no help to find answers. I had gotten into something that was way over my head and I didn't want to go any further. I remember thinking to myself that I had played with fire and God really was going to punish me because I was awakening the devil.
This is another part of what we face when we are learning who we are because we will allow what we do not understand to drive us to a level that it makes us think we are doing something that we might not be. I didn't know anything at the time about sleep paralysis or what can happen while you are about to leave the body doing a astral projection. Remember I was just starting to find out about remote viewing. What I knew at the time was about Christianity.
The knowledge of the Anasazi and finding information on different paths lead my mind down a dark path. Instead of coming out to my parents like I was about to I hid the part that about me being Transgender. I was still talking to people online, but I was also getting into with someone who would hold me back even more. A friend I trusted took advantage of my heart. Who was right or wrong in this I do not know, but during this time I placed myself on hold to take care of someone who had lost their mother.
At the time I thought were developing a bond of trust almost like I was finding through her experience a second person that cared for me. I let my guard down because I knew my heart was my Second Soul. That was one of the most fatal mistakes I made. I became caught up within issues that brought me to where I am today with my health. Do understand my Transgender self or Second Soul is my most precious part of me. If it is hurt the biggest part of me is hurt a long with it. It gave me strength, but it also gave me a double edge sword because if someone took advantage of me I could end up physically worse then what I started out.
I also at the time cared enough for this person I was willing to allow myself to place my own self on hold. It became more about the other person then me with threats that if I left the person might kill their self I only tried to do what was right with this person who I cared about. After their mother died they would have been a lone and I truly felt I was taking on part of a charge within my life that got to be to much. The Charge betrayed me and took a big part of my health.
My health was a back injury that I suffered. That is part of the struggle I face right now while I am going through this chapter of my own depression and regrets of life. The regret I have from this is that someone I truly care about they forced me to choice between them. It was the choice of being made to give up one person over another. I had a Aunt who truly cared about me. You might say my Aunt is even more special to me because she has always been like a Elder Witch watching over me and caring.
This part of the chapter is little bit rumbled but I'll try to make better since of it. When it goes back to the Transgender my Aunt wasn't a blood relative just like the other person who I thought was special to me wasn't a blood relative. I thought both were special in my life because one helped me find the Spiritual path of accepting who I am and one helped me care.
The one who I helped me care is the one who I am picked to stay with. My heart would do anything for her because she has proven that it was never just about money me being there. While I faced being denied for disability she was struggling herself. Yet she was always there for me. What little could be done she always did even though on the weekends I had to go to the other place.
I started to hate to go back to my very home the thought of leaving my Aunt caused me great pain I just wanted to be there , but at the time the betrayal had not taken place yet. I had not been so deeply exploited after hearing words that If I stopped working I would be shipped back to Dallas. What is worse that on the phone when I finally took short term disability at work that the person who betrayal me said that the money that I was going to pay for my doctors was his money. If I did not give all of it over I could just send flowers to his funeral.
I was torn because I had tried to do everything right and they didn't even care that I was needing the money to fix my back. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming and crying because I was caught. I finally gave over the little money I had left fearing that the guilt I would live with from a person killing them self because of me would be a whole lot worse. I allowed myself to carry a weight deeper then hurt because I had allowed myself to let down my Guard. I also knew that this person held a secret about me being Transgender that I didn't know if I could face.
Part of me knew I was being exploited and part of me knew I had already allowed more harm to hurt me. I had also been at the time mad at the Gods and Goddesses because I lived in a world at this point knowing that they were up there , but nobody did anything to help me during this time. This is because so much had happen in my life to confuse my outlook of Spirituality that I was truly feeling I could have been crazy. My Faith and my life itself was letting me down. Not to mention at the time I was missing the part about how the only one who had truly loved me was watching me suffer in pain. I was truly causing regret and pain to not only me, but my family that I cared for more then life itself.
I also hated the fact that I knew through my Spirituality that the fairies were there. Part of me wanted the fairies to take me away or another part questioned why if the fairies were real they couldn't send a teacher to teach me magic. My mind took on a dark path during this Development of my Spirituality. My faith itself was also being torn because again the one person who had always cared for me and guided me had to send me back to my parents.
Everything I had gained of family had been crushed by the feeling of regret as I was forced to face what my Spirituality had become. It was all a illusion of my own inner emotional trauma. My ideas and my beliefs. My strengths were torn from what had been a guiding light to help me as someone who might have been considered Two soul to a person who has been stuck within their bed a lone and away from friends and family in another state. I was separated from everyone.
My parents again love me as well as my family who loves me. While I was stuck back in Texas. My heart had to deal with the fact that I would be betrayed again in person by the one who I thought cared. My ex roommates told my work that I had moved back to Texas. I had planned to move back in with my Aunt when it was safe and we were going to use my medical leave to basically get myself recovered because my Aunt who cared about me sent me home to my parents out of love. I could not walk because my foot felt like it was having needles be pushed into due to the sciatic I suffer.
That is why my Aunt wasn't giving up on me she still loved me but with being betrayed once more by the other roommates I was now fighting work who wanted me to resign which I knew meant that I wouldn't be able to recover they were going to take my insurance away. This is the depression that I faced as I realized I was a lone in the world. The other person had won and I lost everything because I only wanted to be with my Aunt.
At this point I had one of the strangest Dreams of my life I dreamed of Zues causing pain to my body in another life time out of jealousy for something I may or may not have been responsible for. My hate wasn't for the acts of Christianity, but it felt like the Gods were causing me to suffer so much pain in my life that I didn't understand why one person should suffer this much. What crime have I done from a past life that was so bad that I should be forced to be separated from my loved ones? Why does karma cause us harm when we try to do the right thing. I had done everything to be worthy of the Gods and Goddesses within my own Spirituality but at this point I was allowing my views of Spirituality to rule what were false emotions. My pain and suffering had projected that the Gods were allowing me to suffer and I would have wanted war with the Gods and Goddesses to stop it.
Yes I know this is a delusional thought, but again it shows how people who face challenges within life can have their own Spirituality put into views shaped by their own lives in a ways that are the cause of what we want to understand. It's the danger of allowing our emotions to control the state of our pain. In my world I am Crushed from knowing of who I am and the physical events of my life that has lead up to this point.
In the knowledge of my search for Spirituality I had allowed myself to see the symbols of our belief as a whole. A person who would give their life to save another in a heart beat was willing to take on a view that the Gods and Goddesses be damned. I had been torn by so much that the only light came from the realization that it wasn't magic that caused this or a act of being Transgender. What caused this was the acts of life themselves. I was forced to go down a road of Spirituality without the faith of understanding that we can drive ourselves crazy if we allow events to control our emotional state of understanding.
I was even to the point of my faith that I blamed magic as a curse. I believed that what I so loved about who we are was just trying to harm me and there was no way to protect myself without shutting myself in a shield or ward big enough to block out everything. What is worse is that they could have sent a teacher. I had been a lone through this whole journey a lone to face a world that I was not born into. I had been a lone and what I treasured most about my faith only wished to do me harm. This is not true, but it is what one can come to believe by stepping on the wrong thought. We can be a danger to ourselves when we allow ourselves to go to deep down the rabbit hole. Yet faith shouldn't be that way.
What renewed my faith was a understanding that my life while bad might not be the best of what it should be, but I can leave the lessons of wisdom so that someone who is struggling this very same path might not have such as hard lessons as I had during my steps of this path. These very words are here to let you know that no matter what world or part of the world you are born into that you are not a lone. We are all struggling to make sense of this Spiritual journey. We are all struggling to come together within a world that we may not have a teacher to teach us. We are all here to find safety within family.
To me my family is my Aunt who only wanted what was right for me. My Aunt who cared as a Elder Witch watching over me even when we didn't know what the term meant. My Aunt who knows more then me but has questions that go answer found her way into the heart of a younger Witch. We could not see how we protected each other through these hard times, but the protection we provide for each other is understanding, trust, and love. Our pack that we have always shared is that through each other of us we do not force our ideas upon another. We do not disrespect those who are learning. We try to understand our way may not be the right way.
In the end my Aunt and I who I have come to love and bond with by opening my heart is someone I respect more then life. She may never know all the answers that I need, but she loves me. Instead of fearing the betray that I faced over my health I have come to move past the regret of what happen. I moved past the regret into a direction of trust within my Aunt and family. I won't let what one person did on my Spiritual path or my own failings stop me from being there for my family and others. This is part of being Spiritual that we all have to accept in our lives. We will fail down that road and we will overcome many things. Those failures may seem like the hardest lessons that even the Gods and Goddesses are against us, but in truth the lesson is we must come together in our Spiritual faith. If we come together as a whole we can make this world a better place for those who are explaining their own spirituality. By coming together we can find the inner peace.
Do not be afraid to walk the path of Spirituality I just pray that if you need help you will find it. Our world needs more ways for those who are opening up to be safe out there. I think I'll end this chapter with a blessing May The Gods and Goddess always protect those and watch over those who we do not know are always watching over us.
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