I am afraid of dying, death, whatever. So right now that's pretty much the main deterrent in saying goodbye to this cruel world. I feel so hopeless. I'm 44 years old, I have no relationships outside of my family (who have their families, and lives to deal with, live in, be happy in) and a few people I met on the internet years ago and I do consider my friends, but they live in Wisconsin and Pennsylvania (yeah, those two states, hah!) while I'm in Georgia. I have my cats and I love them very much, but, they are only cats--they can't talk back, they can't talk me off the ledge. Only my fear of death can do that.
See, here's the thing... like I said I'm 44 years old and I have left zero stamp on the world. Other than a small handful of people (legit, it's really small) who will truly mourn me for a bit before the everyday pressures and responsibilities and love of real life take over--which frankly won't take long because, here's where we get to it: Other than a bit of mourning, my presence holds zero significance to anyone. If I were gone tomorrow, absolutely no one's life would change. I'm not saying that my loved ones wouldn't mourn me, and wouldn't miss me, but literally NO ONE'S LIFE WOULD CHANGE AT ALL. No routine, no responsiblity, no day-to-day... absolutely nothing. No one. I have made such an immeasurably low impact on the world. It's not about not mattering in the scheme of things (the whole 'two people don't matter a hill of beans,' etc), it's that I don't matter at all.
I worked for a police department; I was a records tech. And I actually liked the job, but three years ago my supervisor randomly decided that she didn't like me anymore. I tried to talk things through, I bended over so far to accomodate to her, to make things right. It did no good; and then I did a REALLY stupid thing. I sent an email up the chain of command about her creating a hostile work environment for me. I mean, she ignored me, belittled me, literally screamed at me across the room (it was the overnight shift and so just our small group of people, literally 2-4 people there). I came into work every night walking on eggshells. That's a hostile work environment? Right? So, I complained. Went through the proper channels.
The Lieutenant (who was the next chain of command) "investigated" it. By that, I mean, he talked to me, talked to her and then randomly spoke to a few people who weren't on the shift anymore and hadn't seen any of the really bad interaction I described in my email. He didn't talk to the two witnesses about what happened. Nope. And then he decided that our personalities just didn't mix and we had to work it out. Never mind that she was my supervisor and could take action against me and that she was in a power position. Oh, and guess what? That's exactly what she did. In less than two months, she sent in a formal complaint about my work--using for examples tools that were in place to literally help us do our jobs better. She took those things and used them against me. She also manipulated the explanation of how we do our job to make me look bad to tally up several of my “mistakes.”
I was put on a PIP (performance improvement plan). I decided to be positive and use it as a learning tool. Except she stopped doing her part about two weeks into a two-month period. I assumed I had passed it since I wasn't told otherwise, but on my annual review, she said that I didn't and found every negative thing she could think of to write me up about... but then checked the box that said I gave a satisfactory performance. (BECAUSE I FUCKING DID!) Her supervisor, however, looked at it and read all the negative stuff and said this isn't satisfactory, so I had another mark against me (and didn't get a raise the next year).
I applied to go to another shift. This took nearly 8 months to achieve. In that time, things went from bad to worse... with her continuing to ding me non-stop. Finally, I was transferred but it was to a much busier shift (I'd been on the overnight shift for nearly 4 years) so, yeah, I made mistakes. I'm human. I went from dealing with one or two things at a time to 6-9 things at a time. (A LOT busier!) But that didn't matter, I was put on another PIP. This time though this supervisor actually did her job; I passed, no problems. The next couple of months, no problems.
But... they were always calling me in to the office. It was always with a dour expression. Every little thing I did was under a spotlight no matter what. I was written up for things I didn't do or there were extenuating situations because of how this job works. Because of that, I was under an enormous amount of stress. Still coming into work and walking on eggshells. So afraid that I was going to screw up and get in more trouble. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY! And it got to me, I made a big mistake, and then a minor-ish one the next day, and then another minor-ish one a month later.
Then I broke my foot. I was out for nearly 3 months. Used up all of my sick leave, annual leave, $2,000.00 of my savings, and more money from some lovely people here who helped me out. I went back to work, still in a boot for my broken foot, still using crutches. About three weeks after coming back, I was called in about the incidents from 5-4 months back. And I was told I was being fired. Never mind that other people in that job had made so many, many mistakes and had been transferred to other departments.
Not for me, though. *I* was told I was being fired. I fought for my job, tried to explain the background, but hey, it made me sound paranoid, or maybe they didn't care. I was asked several times when my next doctor's appointment for my foot was: I told them October 19. They told me they'd get back to me about keeping the job or not. After over a week, I was called back on October 18. They fired me. I was done.
So was my insurance at the end of October 18. I couldn't go to my appointment the next day. (Although, I did call the doctor and speak with them about the situation. See more in my ETA.) And so now here I sit, a month and a half later. I am still wearing my boot--because I have no idea how my foot is doing because I can't pay for X-rays which my doctor would need. I am unemployed. I am getting benefits, but the great Republican state of Georgia did away with extended benefits so I only get those for 14 weeks. I am on the 6th week now. I have had exactly one job interview. I did not get called back. I have received several emails telling me that 'we looked at your resume, but we are moving forward with other candidates.' Of course, I'm sure it doesn't help that when they get to 'Why did you leave your last job?' I have in there: ‘Hostile work environment led to termination.’ Because, really, what else am I going to put? I was fired, I did make some mistakes, but damnit, there *was* more to it than that.
I can't seem to get another job. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm having to dip into my miniscule savings to cover my bills because Unemployment doesn't cover all of it. My family doesn't quite get how bad it is... they say: Drive over and see your dad, or come over here? And it doesn't matter how many times I tell them: "I'm saving gas. I can't drive unless I have to." They keep saying it.
I am on potential jury duty in 3 days, and it's going to be an hour commute round-trip. You think maybe that will be eating up some gas? Just a bit.
I have some college (but didn't finish it, and that was 1991 that I left). I've had a lot of jobs (flight attendant, I worked in a bank, I was a police records tech 1 for GCIC, a nanny, a receptionist). I have strong writing, computer and analytical skills. I'm really smart. But yet, I don't seem to be qualified enough or have enough experience/education to even get to the interview portion of a job. (Oh, except for that one time... when I wasn't even called back to say they weren't going further with me.) I'm going to be jobless, moneyless, and Lord knows what else in about two months. And I have literally nothing to offer anyone, anywhere apparently.
Is it any wonder I don't want to be here anymore? I have nothing. I have no one. I offer nothing. I'm about as worthless as they come. And I feel like I've been fighting so long to just be lower middle class-secure, living roughly paycheck to paycheck. And now, I don't even have that... and it looks like I won't ever get it again. Because I'm me and I am nothing.
Sorry, I just needed to let it all out. You know what they say, life sucks and then you die. That would be nice. I'm so very tired of just sucking. Look, I'm not going to do anything stupid; I'm too afraid of death and dying. So, yay! Silver lining. I won’t do the deed because I’m really scared of what comes next. Instead I'll just continue to live in misery and eventually lose everything because, yeah, life sucks. And then you die.
ETA: A few people have mentioned talking to my doctor about my foot. I did. When I canceled my appointment, I called and spoke to the team. They asked how I was doing with the walking/pain and it’s OK, said to keep wearing the boot and that schedule an appointment as soon as I have insurance. I was also told that my doctor would probably waive the visit fee, but unfortunately he couldn’t wave the X-Ray fee and that would basically be the main reason for seeing him, so he could check out the healing state of the bones via X-Ray. So I’m wearing the boot, doing what I was told to do by them.
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