What we need more than anything else is Unity. We have a bunch of insane, baby-eating Republicans, who not only want to eat babies, but they first want to make sure every woman gets pregnant once a year, carries to full term, and THEN they get to eat the babies, vying for national office. And that’s not the half of it. We have Dominionist Ted Cruz ready to take us into the end times. Popular Nationalist Donald Trump ready to build the Fourth Reich on American soil, and build concentration camps for Muslims and Mexicans, and make them into soap-on-a-rope, guaranteeing shitty Christmas gifts for nearly everybody for a very, very long time.
We have Marco Rubio, who is the GOP Establishment’s best bet to shut down Planned Parenthood like they did with ACORN, based on faked videos of criminals being registered to vote, and dealing in big expensive gift-wrapped boxes of baby parts. BABY PARTS? Are you kidding me? At GOP stop and sniffs, those are referred to as APPETIZERS, because believe me, folks, these people are hungry for babies, and they see our women as incubators for their freakish feast.
So I don’t wanna hear one word about how “unelectable” Bernie Sanders is. Or how “naive” his followers are, or how they’re really a voodoo cult, who are going to hypnotize us all, and then summon a demon who will propel us all into another dimension. That shit ain’t happening, people, and you can trust me on that one.
And I guarantee you, Hillary Clinton is not a robot witch, and the Clintons did not destroy the party, and her followers are not pseudo-conservative wannabe corporatists, who can use their minds to spin maelstroms of energy meant to wipe out all life on Earth, and I’ll fight anyone who says they are!
Full disclosure: I do lean slightly towards Hillary in these upcoming primaries. In 2008, I got out and stumped hard for Barack Obama, and I have never regretted it. I think he was a better choice back then, and by no small measure. I’m proud of his Presidency, and I think he accomplished more than many people give him credit for, especially considering the GOP controlled Congress actually met with Satan himself, and cast dark spells that made it almost impossible to pass a bill. I may lean towards Hillary, but not only will I support Bernie Sanders as a candidate, I will revere him as a President of the United States, and I will thank all of the people who believed in him from day one, for their service to this country, and to not electing despicable freaks who want to take us back to the dark ages.
I will interject a personal story about me, for context. When I was five years old, in the summer of 1968, I was at the Minnesota State Fair with my mum, and I met a man by the name of Hubert H. Humphrey. I was wearing a red blazer, and had my hair all slicked back with Brylcreem, (which was the style at the time,) and Senator Humphrey shook my hand, and told my mum I was a “handsome little fellow,” which was also the style at the time.
“Are you going to vote for that nice man, mommy?” I asked her. Her reply was, “no.”
“Why not?” I asked, really hoping I could change her mind.
“He talks to much,” she said, and I guarantee you, that was her lifelong opinion of Senator Humphrey.
“Well, who’re you gonna vote for?” I asked, innocently enough.
“Nixon,” was her reply.
“WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!” I cried, because Nixon was a mean, mean man, with no sense of humor, who would probably take my stuffed puppy, and cancel Sesame Street, just because he could.
In ‘72, my parents remember how hard Nixon had made me cry, and I like to think I had a hand in convincing them to vote for McGovern, because they did, and we all know how that worked out. I suffered through Watergate, the bashing of one of the best presidents of all time, Jimmy Carter, and watched as the Moral Majority, with Reagan and Bush at the helm, beat him down like seal-clubbers on an Alaskan beach, and turned the era of Peace and Love into the era of Big Money, Cocaine, and Selfish, Unapologetic Capitalism, with the help of TV, Movies, the early days of Infotainment, and even musicians. The whole country turned into the waiting room at a major bank, and if you were really good, you might be awarded a shitty toaster, for opening up an account.
McGovern was a good man, and he got beaten for being too soft; too soft on war; too soft on guns; too soft on tax breaks for the uber-wealthy; and his unwillingness to torture anyone who the Big Establishment said was Bad.
Carter? He sinned by feeling lust in his heart, and having a beautiful smile.
And they took down a native son from Senator Humphrey’s mold; an intelligent, caring, and decent man, who would have made a great President of the United States for being too BORING, and that man was Walter Mondale, who Reagan “beat” in a debate by mocking him, and saying, “there you go again,” when Mondale rightfully called him out for being a playground bully with the mental acuity of a slightly damp piece of driftwood, but none of the charm.
We suffered through 12 years of the Reagan Revolution, kept alive by George H W Bush the Mostest, who got bored with being President of the United States, and got caught looking at his watch, wondering what time he could take a break, and participate in his favorite pastime: feeding poor migrant workers to alligators in his own private Florida swamp.
So when Bill “Big Dog” Clinton came along, I was happy to see a Democrat who could do the one thing all of these intelligent, decent, thoughtful politicians couldn’t do, and it was a very big thing; a very big thing indeed, and that thing was to WIN.
He straightened out a lot of the crap that the Reaganites had done, but he was missing the thing that made Ronald Reagan into the most revered President of the United States since Abraham Lincoln, and that thing was A DEMOCRATIC CONGRESS THAT ACTUALLY TRIED TO WORK WITH THE OTHER SIDE.
It became clear to me that never again would we win with an anti-gun, anti-big-business, anti-capitalist Man of the People, and even if we did, such a candidate would be a one-term office holder, and would get VERY LITTLE accomplished once he was in.
So I backed Al Gore, who tried to distance himself from the Big Dog, and who didn’t learn from Nader.
And I backed John Kerry, who actually served in Vietnam, and lost to a War President who didn’t, and who the press and others allowed to actually have his military record be used as a NEGATIVE against him, and who frankly bored the crap out of me. He was even more boring than Mondale, and Mondale was 10 times smarter, for my money, but I backed him anyway, because he sure as shit wasn’t George “Dubya” Bush; the moron child of one of the most evil politicians, and one-time head of the CIA.
In 2004, I saw the most ELECTABLE candidate I had seen in my lifetime come along, and he had some of the biggest negatives you can imagine. He was Black. He had big ears. His name sounded like a mixture of Osama Bin Laden, and Saddam Hussein, two of the most evil cartoon characters to ever threaten to destroy the Most Powerful Nation on Earth with a handful of suicide bombers, and a religious book containing spells that would turn children into cockroaches.
He had charisma, and he campaigned on HOPE, and everyone said he couldn’t do all the things he said he wanted to do, and they were right of course, because no one ever can, or ever does. But at least he wanted to do the right things for the America of 2008, like stop the massive giveaway to the wealthy, stop putting people in a modified concentration camp for being an “enemy combatant,” and stop letting the nation run on Fear, Ignorance and Paranoia. He accomplished some of that, and some of that, no man could have accomplished, and when I look back over my lifetime, and ask myself who is the most inspirational leader I have ever experienced, he will definitely be a contender.
And now there is Bernie and Hillary. They are our choices, folks. There ain’t no more. Those of you who were so dedicated, and hung so much of your lives on a Martin O’Malley Presidency, are going to have to wait. Because we have Bernie and Hillary.
And I would not only be proud to have either one as my next President of the United States, but I know that if either of them get the nod, I won’t have one of the big GOP Creeps turning this great country into a third world toilet, or worse.
And THAT’S worth voting for.