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Years ago I learned people can sometimes have the same values, but due to how they were raised, those values can be expressed in entirely different ways. Once I understood this it helped me when dealing with others in a way I hadn’t been able to before. I’ll give you an example of just what I’m talking about.
Two young people grow up in different families where each is taught to show respect to other family members when things get heated, however, each family has an entirely different way to show it.
In one family, if there’s a beef between people, respect is shown for the other by withdrawing and not getting into it with the other. The parents of that family believe if the two people who are angry with each other start really talking about it, things will escalate and get even worse, so they teach their kids to back away and not “get in the face” of the other.
In another family, when an argument comes up, kids are taught to talk about and resolve things so it won’t be held inside and fester thus becoming a bigger unresolved issue that will keep coming around over and over and likely become a bigger and bigger deal as time passes.
So these two families actually have the same values but show it in entirely opposite ways. What happens if a person from the first family gets into a relationship with a person from the second family? Fireworks, that’s what, because when a disagreement pops up, one person will scurry away and avoid talking about it while the other person will want to talk about the issue so as to resolve the problem. Both will feel like the other is being disrespectful while believing they are being respectful themselves due to the way they were taught to do so. It will continue to be a problem until they understand what’s really going on and why the other person does what they do when things get heated.
Understanding this helped a lot. It’s important to do your best in understanding where others are coming from especially when they do things in a different manner than you.
I came across an interesting little test that’s kinda related to what I’ve written so far because it lets you identify what kind of questioner you are. Lots of times (guilty here) the way you question can have a pretty big impact on outcomes. This short test can be a help in getting some insight into what you are actually looking for when you ask questions and why. It was created as a way for understanding this as it relates to jobs and business interactions, but it certainly isn’t limited to that.
It’s only 10 questions. There are pluses and minuses to each different kind of questioner. It can help you know why you can drive others stark raving mad sometimes when all you are trying to do is understand things yourself. When I took the test, I was pegged as “Data-Driven Explorer.” Below is just the beginning of what it said about my style of questioning.
I’ll be honest. My problem is I want to understand as much as possible when I’m questioning something. The reason is I don’t want to make an impulsive decision that could backfire and I really want to fully understand things as much as possible. My “style” of questioning can really bug the living crap out of others who make their decisions without needing a bunch of information but rather use “gut feeling.” We all have our way, now don’t we? Here are my results from the quiz:
Your results indicate that you are a data-driven explorer. People with this profile tend to be very analytical and fact-based in their questioning style, even unemotional. They are innately logical, focused on gathering objective data and pursue information like a scientist pursues research.
The advantages of this style are that it allows you to separate the signal from the noise, quickly translating information into knowledge. This style is also ideal for making decisions under pressure because it helps you stay focused on facts. Disadvantages of this style include a tendency to over-rationalize things, particularly when they are not clear-cut.
Click on the link to take the short 10-question test. paidpost.newyorker.com/…
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