-
-
-
From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Mmmm...care for a late night snark?
"North Korea has declared they have nuclear weapons, saying they need them to protect themselves from a hostile United States. President Bush said today North Korea has nothing to fear from America. He said `don't these people understand we only attack countries that don't have weapons of mass destruction.'"
"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran not to develop their nuclear weapons program. She said, `President Bush has a map in his office, and he will find you eventually.'"
--Jay Leno
"In the wake of successful Iraqi elections President Bush's job approval rating has jumped up to 57% or, as high school teachers call it, an F."
--Tina Fey
"Dick Cheney says he will not run for president in 2008. He's not going to run so he can spend more time at home with his defibrillator."
--David Letterman
Cheers and Jeers--now in a new heart-smart formula--starts in the Extended Entry section... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 17, 2005...
By the Numbers:
Severance package for Carly Fiona, ousted CEO of Hewlitt-Packard: $45 million
Percent of Americans who take sick days because they're "stressed out": 11%
(Source: Harris Interactive via The Week magazine)
Cost of the time spent deleting spam each year by U.S. businesses: $21.6 billion
(Source: CNN)
Winning auction bid on John F. Kennedy's rocking chair: $96,000
Time it takes a star-nosed mole to eat a mouthful of food: 0.23 seconds
Time it takes Scott McClellan to spew a mouthful of crap: 0.22 seconds
Number of hits at Bill in Portland Maine's prostitute-for-hire web site in the last 10 years: 0
(Source: Hirebillasamaleprostituteprettyplease.com)
Your Puppy Pic of the Day Just in case anyone's forgotten what pure happiness looks like: http://www.honorgr.com/Pipergirl1.jpg. [Sigh] Then they go to obedience school and lose their innocence.
CHEERS...CHEERS...CHEERS! to Frank Rich. His must-read column (read it!) shows how the Jeff Gannon scandal represents just one puff in a very large White House smokescreen: "When the Bush administration isn't using taxpayers' money to buy its own fake news, it does everything it can to shut out and pillory real reporters who might tell Americans what is happening in what is, at least in theory, their own government." The rest here: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/02/20/arts/20rich.html. Watch your back, Daily Show...these guys are good.
JEERS to crying wolf, Part 39. Let's see. Bush is getting battered on Social Security. The Jeff Gannon story is nipping at his heels. His budget is causing an uproar. Iraq isn't getting any better and now we're playing a game of chicken with Iran and North Korea. Sounds like conditions are perfect for a...TERROR WARNING!!! http://www.cnn.com/2005/ALLPOLITICS/02/16/intelligence.threats/index.html. Underwear on heads aaaaand...duct tape your family!
JEERS to Brit Hume. C&J has been waiting to find the perfect link about this story, in which the senior anchor of the Fox News Network took Franklin Roosevelt's words, re-arranged them, and dishonestly passed them off as a call by FDR to privatize Social Security. This is that link: http://mediamatters.org/items/200502160003. But kudos to Fox for dishing out its severest penalty for employee shennanigans: lowering the volume of Hume's "Swoosh!!KaChung!!Gong!!" sound effects from 10 to 9. (Ouch.)
CHEERS to the drinky drink. On this date in 1933, the U.S. Senate passed the Blaine Act, which effectively ended prohibition. It took awhile for the news to trickle down to the speakeasies. Nobody knew the password.
JEERS to breaking your old record. A year after he broke a rib in a car crash, Maine Governor John Baldacci broke another 3 ribs yesterday after slipping on ice (he'll be okay). Great---we've got our own Gerald Ford.
CHEERS to one of C&J's Godsnarkers. 72 years ago today, the first issue of Newsweek was published. The first thing we turn to every week is their C&J-lite Conventional Wisdom Watch: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6960015/site/newsweek/. Today you guys get an `Up' arrow...but please lay off the Dean scream references.
JEERS to ice on ice. The NHL season was cancelled yesterday because of---surprise---money. Ugh...now we'll have to go back to watching Springer to get our evening fight fix.
CHEERS to getting high. Colorado's Loveland ski area has opened the highest chair lift in the world. Chair #9 goes up to 12,700 feet: http://www.skiloveland.com/pano/CHAIR9.HTML. And if you grease the operator's palms enough, he can make sure that the annoying people in your life never make it back down.
JEERS to looking the other way. Matt Drudge thrives on stories of sex and debauchery. So why is there nary a mention of the steamy (not to mention hugely unethical) JeffGannonGuckert scandal? Three words: Bock Bock Bwwwock!! Not developing...you chicken.
CHEERS to Bloggers at the Gates. The mainstream media is under siege by the reality-based horde, according to cartoonist Pat Oliphant (link via C&J'er sersan): http://images.ucomics.com/comics/po/2005/po050216.gif. And the mainstreamers look like they're out of hot lead...awww, too bad.
CHEERS to words to help shut the fundies up. From the 1797 Treaty of Tripoli (posted on the Al Franken Show blog), passed unanimously by Congress and endorsed by President John Adams, is this line: "[T]he Government of the United States...is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion." That one we're gonna start carrying around in our wallet.
JEERS to the lonely plains. Binge drinking is highest among the northern frontier states of Montana, North Dakota, Minnesota and Wisconsin, says a new government study. http://www.cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/02/14/binge.drinking.ap/index.html. There are many psychosocial and epidemiological hypotheses for this phenomenon, all of which are outlined in great detail over several hundred pages. Or we can just blame Canada.
CHEERS to great new jokes. Q: Why did the skillsaw cross the road? A: Because it damn well felt like it (bottom pic): http://www.verparacreer.net/imagen.php?f=1108508400&n=1. (Memo to Bush: I believe we could bring freedom and liberty just about anywhere with one `o these babies.)
CHEERS to the Li'l Slugger. Happy 44th birthday to Michael "Wow, a single!" Jordan. In 1994, he took the Birmingham Barons to...to...okay, he took them mostly to McDonalds after they lost. But we hear he shot a pretty good game of hoops in his day (probably just hype to pad his résumé).
JEERS to the whiners. Republicans complain about the "obstructionist minority," but Tom Schaller says...they are the minority: http://gadflyer.com/flytrap/index.php?Week=200507#1513. Kneel before Zod, you GOP twits.
CHEERS to staying between the lines. Yesterday, Wednesday, February 16, 2005, y'all kept C&J's margins tight. Coming out of you're A-drive momentarily: A single, perfect silver-dollar pancake.
C&J Flashback: February 17, 2004...
JEERS to red lyrics in blue state songs. "On Wisconsin!" has this curious line: `On, Wisconsin! On, Wisconsin! Champion of the right!' Can we get that changed to "left," please? P.S. Love your cheese.
JEERS to Matt Drudge's non-TiVo moment. The story about Kerry having a fling with an intern blows up in the dirt-dredger's face. Golly, Beav'...will we ever be able to trust him again?
And just one more:
JEERS to Mother Nature on steroids: http://www.verparacreer.net/imagen.php?f=1108076400&n=1. Your turn to scrape...
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-