Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, March 2, 2005...
By the Numbers:
Days since the Oscars: 3
Days 'til the Oscars: 362 or so
Days `til Martha Stewart gets out of jail: 5
Days `til `Star Wars Episode III---Revenge of the Sith': 79
Days my Mom has been 91: 3
Days 'til Opening Day: 32
Days 'til Bill returns to bring some sanity back to this place: 7
Today's Rapture Index: 153
USA males who admit to masturbating on a regular basis: 98%
(source: The Kinsey Report - "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male")
So, let's do some extrapolation. Whoa, don't get excited, you can strap that on later. Here's what deaddog figured out for us:
If 98% of males (including married men) admit to masturbating.
Let's assume an average: 3 times per week. (and... 85% admitted premarital sex; 50% admitted adultery)
and a current population - 132,090,689 Men in the United States
and it takes at least ten minutes (on average) for a man to masturbate.
LET'S DO THE NUMBERS:
132,090,689 men in the United States X 3 wacks/week = 396,272,067 wacks/week
6 ten-minute-periods/hour X 24hours/day X 7days/week = 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week
396,272,067 wacks/week / 1,008 ten-minute-periods/week = 393,127 wack/ten-minute-period
393,127 wacks/ten-minute-period X 98% (Kinsey Factor) = 385,265 wacks/ten-minute-period
CONCLUSION:
At any given moment (on average), 385,265 men in the United States are:
- rooting around in their twigs and berries
- introducing John Thomas to Rosie Palm and her five lovely daughters
- being frank with Frank and beans
- staring down ol' One Eye
- assessing the family jewels
- playing the piccolo
- fingering the skin flute
- basting the wiener
- ladybirding the johnson
- meeting with Uncle Jesse and the Damn Duke Boys
- blessing the stinky parts
- bashing the bishop
- charming the one-eyed trouser snake
- blasting off the heat seeking man missile
- and all the while Rub a Dub Dubbing with Wee Willie Winkie and Little Jack's Horner.
- which is not to ignore Big Jim and the twins, Baron Randy von Schtupper. Der Schnitengrubben, Mr. Winky, My Guckert, The Gallup Pole, the genie, or going for ride with my friend Flicka.
(With thanks to all who participated in Monday's Euphemisms On Parade thread.)
Clearly, the lesson here is: be careful with whom you shake hands!
Cheers to holding hands! Here's hoping you can let go later.
Cheers to Johnny Carson who once said, "I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."
Jeers to sex with cows. Oy. I mean moo. I mean... good god, man haven't you ever heard of sheep? Besides, what would our Shottle do if he caught you up there, tying up tails, and the like. I...I....I can't talk about this anymore.
And speaking of abominations ...
Jeers to Leviticus and all ....isn't it time we just Lego of all that? Come to think of it, I'm not too sure that recreating large portions of the bible with Lego sets isn't covered somewhere in Revelations.
All this talk about sex and stuff reminds Fake Cheers and Jeers that we are saddened and a little afraid about the many recent tales of missing, stolen or otherwise injured male genitalia and will not pursue such stories here. However, there is one more brief segment (ahem) on this topic in the Brick Testament that you may wish to explore.
Cheers to thumping the bible thumpers! Ultrageek nails down some good retorts for when they come a-knockin' on your door.
Cheers to feeling sorry for messing up the entire world and having them forgive us. Well, 49% of us. You want puppy pics? I got more sorry puppy pics than you can shake a stick at, or chase a stick with, or stick a fork in, or.... Some pretty sorry kitty pics in there, too.
Jeers to the biggest drunk-gone-wrong of them all. Shrub says Congress should approve giving more money to "faith based organizations" as long as they have an "all drunks are welcome" policy. No shit. He really said that, quote - unquote. Wah. I want a new president! Or an old one. Just about any one with a brain will do!
Cheers to making Bill Gates nervous. Firefox is at 25 million and counting. Apparently news that Firefox downloads had begun to taper off cheered the Microsoft gabillionaire, but it turns out that's only because all the hippest and coolest users already have it! Yesterday Bill had this to jeer about:
It seems that global usage share of Mozilla's Firefox is still increasing and the total global usage share of Microsoft's Internet Explorer is still decreasing. It looks like that browser users of Internet Explorer 5 are switching to Mozilla Firefox instead of upgrading to Internet Explorer 6.0" said Niels Brinkman, cofounder of the Web analytics firm OneStat.com, following reports of FireFox slowing down
Jeers to sex education. Well, this kind anyway! Some people... I mean... whew. I mean teachers, and with their kids no less! "But Mommmm. The teacher made me stay after school!" Geez lady, I know it's hump day and all, but at least find a baby sitter for your two year old. Okay, so the 16 year old was hot and you just couldn't keep your hands off him. But it is really bad form to leave your toddler strapped to the back seat while you have your, um, little tutoring session up there in the front. I hope you find the guards at your next facility to be quite sexy.
Cheers to shedding pounds and feeling fit! Let's play "Let's obsess about weight!" Yeah, it's a guy thing, too. I gained a few pounds when I quit smoking two months, four days, eighteen minutes ago (but, hey, who's counting? Oh, they are). But my newly found ten pounds are driving me nuts. And I'm not the only one, apparently. You'll have to read the whole thread to make any sense out of it. I lost several ounces doing just that. Giggling = -1.75 calories/minute!
Cheers to Fitday.com. There are probably lots of sites like this one, but it's the easiest one for me. You enter what you eat and your activities each day and voila! It tells you if you are burning all your calories or not. Here's the deal. If you burn 500 more calories per day than you eat, you will lose about a pound per week. Sounds simple enough! OK, so why after three weeks have I not lost my three pounds? I tell the damn software everything that I want to admit that I ate and all the exercise I really would've liked to have done. I just don't get it.
Jeers to the Ownership Society. But cheers to great editorial cartoons about it. Let's sink this bad idea to gamble with our social security before it has a chance to muddy up the waters! Have I mentioned how sucky it is to be fifty-four!.
Cheers, belated though they be, to Welshman and all who hail from Wales wherever they may be. Yesterday was St. David's Day as our Welshman eloquently explained. Later, we learned that a guy named Peter keeps daffodils and leeks which are national symbols and part of the story, also. It all got pretty complicated but I'm pretty sure I understand it now. David grabbed his Peter and took a leek. Then there was a dragon... and on and on and on. Thank God he didn't tie up his tail.
Cheers to stateside trivia. Q. Which state boasts the longest coastline: Florida, Alaska, California, or Hawaii? A. Alaska has the longest coastline in the U.S. At 6,640 miles, it is greater than that of all other states combined. Now here's the harder question. Which state has the second longest coastline? Answer below, just before the poll.
Cheers to The Onion for this headline:
Contemporaries Remember
Hunter S. Thompson
As Ravenous, Mutant
40-Eyed Lizard-Demon
Cheers to Show Me Fun. St. Louis's
Schlafly Brewery hosts its annual
Oyster and Stout Festival this week, March 4 and 5. Shuck 'em, suck 'em and chuck 'em! Oysters + Stout + Music = Love! Yum!
Cheers to Orange! Lissen up! If you don't get all tingly (NOT moist!) when you hear that song, march over to a doctor (of polysighyance) right away. Cheers and more cheers to people who don't let the rich and powerful have their way with them. Razom Nas Bahato! Excuse me while I get up and march around the room again.
Cheers to my little sister -- the grandma. She's nuts. She just had her third kid about four years ago and recently her all growed up daughter had one of her own. Cheers to 4 year old uncles!
Cheers to Daniel Schorr. On NPR's Sunday morning Weekend Edition, Dan delivered "Morality and the Press in the Bush White House" in which he brought up the Russian journalist ribbing Shrub on Saturday, then tied in the Guckert/Gannon thing (and hit that right on the button), then nailed Armstrong Williams and all the other Have Pen Will Write for Slushmoney pseudo-journalists. There were so many great quotes in such a short time, I couldn't scribe them all, but one that jumped out was
"When a president is a born again Christian one expects a high order of ethical behavior."
delivered with so much snark the sarcasm dripped out of my radio, congealed, and lay there like an upchucked pretzel. That was beautiful, Dan. Go listen if you have a minute.
Jeers to ragging because we have to. A lot of people have been ragging on National Public Radio lately, and I can't say I blame them. The news coverage there has taken a turn, and not to the left. They would say it is toward the middle, I guess, but even if that were true, is that what we need from our fifth estate? The odd thing about this is that NPR, of all institutions, should now be able to chart its own course, largely unfettered by the vagaries of public funding that have plagued it these past thirty years. In November, 2003 NPR received $200,000,000.00 from the estate of Joan Kroc (wife of McDonald's founder Ray Kroc), the largest monetary gift ever received by any American cultural institution. "Cheers," thought I at the time, "Now they can go kick some reportorial ass and not worry so much about offending their federal funding overlords!" Why does this stuff happen? The newly wealthy act like.. well... the wealthy, I guess. Jeers, dammit. I miss our old NPR. You remember it - the real one. When can we have it back?
Cheers to Playing Doctor:
Barium - What you do when a patient dies
Urine - The opposite of You're Out
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Ova - Finished
Sperm - to reject or look away
Enema - Opposite of a friend
Dilate - To live a long time
Node - Was aware of
White Count - Number of Caucasians
Fibrillate - To tell a small lie
D&C - Where Washington is
Bunion - Paul's surname
Rectum - Dang near killed em
Paradox - More than one doctor
Coronary - Domesticated singing bird
Constipation - Endangered Feces
Penis - Someone who plays the piano
Humerus - Just tell us what we want to hear
Intestine - Currently taking an exam
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pelvis - The evil twin of Elvis
Cheers to moister than moist! Woof! Did anyone else have to open a window when they read this yesterday? Yowzzir! Well, that actually is lots of fun as well as a great way to beat the heat when the weather warms up. Meanwhile, I guess I'm kind of old fashioned. Here'w what we learned about seduction, way back when:
HOW TO SEDUCE A WOMAN. Compliment her, respect her, honor her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, hold her, go to the ends of the Earth for her...
AND A MAN? Show up naked. Bring food.
Cheers to Phil Proctor from whom I stole the last 30 seconds worth of yuks. Phil is one of the best. Ever. Check out his monthly Planet Proctor. You won't regret it, I promise! OK, I'm stealing one more from Phil:
"When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws"
Cheers to the Oscars! Especially this one. And of course NBA fans will remember the Big O, Oscar Robertson, who might look like this if only he were a Dachshund.
Cheers to Johnny Gentle Famous Crooner (as seen here on dKos) for winning a photoshop contest!
Cheers to Spring when a young man's fancy turns to . . . Baseball! Allright! Getcher cold beer here.. Red hots, getcher red hots here! So, there's talk of the Great Opening Day Matchup when Sarge's Boston Red Sox meet NYBri's New York Yankees. Yes, the Big Unit (you know, the one with the Randy Johnson) may be slated to hurl against Curt "Really Red Socks" Schilling! It all depends on Schillinggetting off his crutches and off the rehab list in time. I think they're both Republicans, so with any luck they'll both get knocked out in the third inning. Then we can watch some mere millionaires from the bullpens (as opposed to the starters who are millionaires hundreds of times over) pitch the rest of the game. Meanwhile, schlubs like you and me -- the ones who really love the game for what it is -- make less in a year than those guys make for each foul tip.
Cheers to those brave pioneers who ploughed this holy ground before us. Bless you Baldwiny, HHG, and Revel. And brave Cheers unto you who shall follow . . .
Tomorrow: Polisigh
and tomorrow: Pastordan
and tomorrow and tomorrow (hey, it's a weekend) and tomorrow: MaryScott
and the next day: Histopresto. And verily shall He thence return, and all will be right with the world again. Amen.
Stateside Quiz Answer: Michigan is second only to Alaska with the second longest coastline with 2,242 miles (and another 879 miles if islands are included). This equals the length of the Atlantic Coast, from Maine to Florida.
Oops, and speaking of Florida... We cannot forget Bill's daily real time vacation weather report, complete with MexradTM doppley radar! "Pfffffft. cough. cough. Wow, man. Sunny and whatever."
Okay, okay... here's the real scoop:
Today...Partly cloudy. Highs near 70. North to northeast winds 10 to 15 mph.
Tonight...Partly cloudy. Lows near 60. Northeast winds 10 to 15 mph.
Thursday...Increasing cloudiness. Becoming breezy late afternoon. A chance of afternoon showers. Highs in the lower 70s. Winds becoming east 15 mph and gusty. Chance of rain 30 percent.
Thursday Night...I'm leaving this one out because I don't like it and I'm betting it will change for the better by tomorrow.
Cheers to Rums, Cokes, and mai tais on the beach. May every sunset flash green for you! Cheers to you Bill, and please clink a glass with Michael on our behalf, as well!
What are you cheering and jeering about today?