Now that we've all spent the past week
bashing Ben Domenech, instead of America, perhaps it's time to start a serious discussion on his replacement for the "balancing" voice in the world of
Washington Post blogging. Perhaps not. Instead, let's look at some of the possibilities as compiled by
Sadly, No...you know you're going to love a list whose rankings are based on the categories of:
* Cultish Loyalty to President Bush
* Spittle-Drenched Insanity
* Potential to Educate WaPo's Latte-Drinking Readers About "Red America"
And given this criteria, it will surprise no one that the number one candidate is...
John Hinderaker: First up is everyone's favorite Assrocket (maybe I should rephrase), and
Sadly, No first gives us his pluses:
Hinderaker mostly avoids outright, ass-naked lying in favor of selectively misusing facts and quotations...supporters will be unlikely to mount an embarrassing pro-Hinderaker campaign in the event of a nude cocaine brawl, plagiarism, serial retail fraud, a tri-state killing spree, or other public-relations headache.
His minuses? No sex appeal. And how does he rank in the "Cultish Loyalty" department?
So strong that it cannot be calculated with primitive Earth numbers.
And "Spittle-Drenched Insanity"?
Sees entire world in black-and-white terms, where facts that don't agree with his opinions are malicious lies spread by liberal evildoers. Personalizes everything. Is insecure and prone to fits of rage, and is thus easily bear-baited. In other words, scores at exactly the median for conservative bloggers.
And his ability to "educate" us latte-drinking elitists?
Hinderaker resembles the small-town banker in 1930s movies who tries to foreclose on Old Widow McHenry's mortgage...On the positive side, he is at heart a thumb-ignorant rube...
When one considers the exacting standards of Jim Brady and the Washington Post Online, it's hard to imagine any better choice than Assrocket...since the first best man for the job turned out to be a lying plagiarist.
In the interest of keeping this diary from reaching the category of epic, let me highlight some of the other potential candidates:
Adam Yoshida:
Cultish Loyalty to President Bush: 10 out of 10. I think this quote best exemplifies Yoshi's devotion to the preznit:
So long as the Log Cabin Republicans and people like Andrew Sullivan remain faithful and loyal supporters, there is every reason to listen to and respect their views. But, if they wish to oppose the President, then they can go straight to Hell[.]
The bottom line: it's OK to have sex with other dudes as long as you're into Bush as well. Bitchin'.
While Assrocket may be the sentimental favorite around here, it's hard to argue against a guy who believes that Bush's critics should be murdered.
Or how about:
Pastor Joseph Grant Swank, Jr.: There is nothing like a man of God to represent the voice of Red America today. Especially a good Christian who:
...advocates deporting all Muslims in the U.S. or interning them in camps.
To be fair, I'm sure that all of the worthy candidates hold exactly the same view, and besides as is pointed out, he could teach us nothing that we couldn't learn from the, "schizophrenic hobo who stands outside their local 7-11."
And we can't forget Little Green Footballs Iron Fist. A true American who speaks for all conservatives, or:
...at least, that segment of ordinary America that's been completely bonk-sozzled and brainwashed by twenty years of propaganda paid for by right-wing billionaires and directed by a panoply of fake foundations and think tanks -- and that's been told that it's 'a majority' so often that it can no longer imagine otherwise. But of course, as the Washington Post explained at the inauguration of the Red America blog, that part of America deserves a voice in a newspaper of record too.
The name of the winning candidate will be forwarded to Jim Brady and Howard Kurtz...and the sad part is, the above names are probably already on the short list.