Hey y'all! My name's Joe Bob. My wife Lurleen and me, we live here in Loachapoka (Lurleen says to say "Hey!") and we just want to say that we feel almost like those folks over in the Middle East is kin.
And we feel real bad about the whole thing cuz we was just watchin' it on the TV this morning. It was kinda hard to see cuz we been tappin' into the neighbor's cable and it don't quite work right. But it still looked real bad.
So if y'all will listen for a minute, I'll try to explain what it means to be a redneck watchin' all that death and shit -- fuzzy reception and all. I won't ask you to crawl inside my skin though, cuz I ain't showered in a few days and I work the grease pit down at the Quicky Lube.
But I'll tell you what really horrifies me. Did you see the way Ryan Newman got up into Tony Stewart on Sunday and wrecked him? And what's with Jeff Gordon wantin' to marry that Belgian model? Can't he find no American girl? I'll bet she's never even
seen an oil filter.
Anyway, I was at work the other day down in the pit and Earl was sayin that those Israelis should just nuke em all. "Fuck them towelheads," he said. Lots of folks round here say stuff like that. I even see some of them in church on Sunday.
So I says, "Damn, boy! What if they nuke em and that radioactive shit spreads around the planet and comes back at us?"
See, Earl don't think about consequences and shit like that.
So Earl says, "Nah, we got some of them baby nukes we could give the Israelis. Probably won't spread to more than three or four countries. Just gotta make sure the wind is blowin' toward Eye-Ran."
Then he says, "That's what The Bear would do." Shit, The Bear's been dead 20 years Earl, I says. And The Bear never had to defend against the spread offense. That's what them Hez-boolahs is doin'. They's spreadin' it out.
Earl just don't get it, especially after he's had 7 or 8 Buds. Thinks he's Henry Kissinger or somethin'. Fucks up a lot of oil changes too.
So then I was over at the Super Wal-Mart to get a new mailbox cuz someone beat the shit out of ours last month with a baseball bat. We ain't been gettin' no mail, but it's just bills anyway.
Anyway, I run into Ray Bob. Ray Bob just got himself made assistant manager over at the Shop and Lift grocery. That's not it's real name, that's just what we all call it. Ray Bob was a stocker but the old assistant manager ran off with one of the cashiers. Not his wife, if ya know what I mean. I heard they'd been doin' it in one of the coolers. So they needed someone. Right place, right time, I always say.
Anyway, Ray Bob says he was watching that Mideast stuff too. With his big promotion Ray Bob got him one of them satellites.
Ray Bob said he never did like those Jews. "Ever since they killed Jesus," he said.
That was a long time ago, Ray Bob, I says. Besides, somebody had to kill Jesus. Otherwise there'd be no Easter and Lurleen wouldn't be able to hang those plastic eggs in the tree. And what about Christmas? Shit, if Jesus didn't come back from the dad and all, nobody would believe in him and there'd be no reason to celebrate his birthday. Hell, Christmas is our busiest time of year at the Quicky Lube. And what would all the preachers do?
Ray Bob asked me what I'd been drinkin'. Just a few Buds. Hell, it was only lunchtime.
My friends ain't been much help. Mostly they either think Jews is money-grubbin' Jesus killers or they want Israel to kick everybody's ass. Don't make a lot of sense to me how you can say both.
And they ain't got much use for them Arabs neither. Just a bunch of terrorists. Like those guys in the helicopter in that Arnold movie -- you know, the one where they nuked an island in Florida and then Arnold launched that missile with that terrorist dude hangin on to it and it went right through that building and blew all them terrorists to shit.
Actually I think most folks round here would be happy if they all just killed each other and got it over with. As long as they don't cut into Fox when the race is on with one of them bulletins.
Me, I think those folks in the Middle East all need a good ass whoopin'. Nothin like a good ass whoopin' to make you quit bein' an asshole. That's what the preacher says.
And, ya know, I also think that them folks over there is just a bunch of good ole boys too. Yep. I figure Israel and Hez-bollah is just full of rednecks. Cuz you don't gotta be anything special to be a redneck. Ya just gotta act like one.