Kip Hawley, head of the Transportation Security Administration, has released a new set of restrictions for air travel passengers. "We've re-evaluated air safety standards and found that the major cause of terrorist attacks in the air are from people. So from now on, people will no longer be allowed to board planes."
Air travel passengers are understandably alarmed by this statement, but Kip Hawley has gone on to say that "Because there will be nobody on board the planes, guns, flammable materials, box knives, cotton balls, alcohol, are now allowed on board. The planes will remain on the runway until they rot, or until they're broken down for scrap. At that time, passengers are welcome to reclaim their baggage and carry-on luggage."
"Obviously, there's been a lot of unhappiness," said Richard Marchi, senior adviser to the Airports Council International, an airport trade group. "They're right to find a way to ease the burden and maintain a reasonable level of security."
Homeland Security believes that this will eliminate all future concerns with air travel safety.
"These are sustainable, common-sense adjustments that combined with additional security measures throughout the airport will keep the traveling public safe," said Michael Jackson, deputy secretary of the Homeland Security Department.