To hell with issues! Forget organizing, tactics, and mutual support! It's all about the freakin' horse race! We continue our profile about what really counts in this beauty contest, finishing out the Democratic candidates (so far).
In Part 1 we rated Christopher Dodd, John Edwards, and Mike Gravel (and also explored the criteria for What Really Matters), in Part 2 we ranked Dennis Kucinich, Tom Vilsack, and "Uncle" Joe Biden, and in Part 3 we looked at heavy-hitters Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and Bill Richardson.
In this week's installment, we look at the undeclared candidates without any exploratory committees (what's hotter than playing hard to get? we'll find out!), Wes Clark, Al Gore, and Al Sharpton.
Wes Clark
Hair: The knock on Wes Clark's hair has been allegations brought up during the 2004 campaign that he really had Republican hair disguised as Democratic hair. He's got an appropriately silvered head with enough black to remain youthful looking, and unlike Chris Dodd, his eyebrow coloring matches the top of the head. No longer strictly in a military cut, Clark frequently jokes that he has "gone hippie" by allowing several strands to extend nearly to his eartop. In fact, it's Clark's lack of pouf to his 'do that will bring his seriousness as a candidate for Commander-in-Coiff into question. One of the miracles of Clark's hair is that it can appear to be both parted and straight across the top of his head. That said, Clark's hair has everything to recommend it save for the decisiveness of an establishment hair style. Hair: 4.
Height: Clark is ramrod straight, fit and trim, and has a habit of leaning in to the camera or interviewer when being filmed on television. Thus it may come as a surprise to many that Clark is only of average height, nearly a head shorter than Bill Clinton. Whether this will be apparent on the campaign trail or not is unclear, but Clark's height clearly has the stuff of being perceived as very tall, and in turn he should look quite good on the campaign trail and when ascending the steps of Air Force One (since he's quite accustomed to boarding military transport). Jump boots will help even more. Height: 4.
Spouse-Family: Clark is well-positioned, although not spectacularly so, in the family department, with his original-issue wife, son (also named Wes Clark), and two grandchildren. Clark also seems to have that post-post-modern requirement of the modern politician, the recently-uncovered-Jewish heritage. He also has that magical ingredient, the absent-cum-dead natural father (like Bill Clinton, he was born with a different name -- Kanne, in Clark's case) and while born in Chicago was raised in Little Rock, Arkansas. He was raised Methodist and became a Baptist, so has his religious bases covered. His wife, Gert, was basically an army wife for her adult life, which is more in the Rosslyn Carter-Betty Ford old school, but she will be unthreatening to America given she was born just before even a symbolic career was expected of candidates' spouses. His wife and family were extremely low-profile in the last campaign, though, and despite the absent biological father Clark doesn't seem to have the same kind of bootstrapped upbringing the Reagans and Clintons of the world used as talking points. Because of the Illinois-Dixie connection and the all-important double-father, though, despite the relative lack of gleaming children and grandchildren Clark merits a solid 4 in the spouse-family category.
Hotness: A mixed bag for Clark. He's a handsome guy and generates no "ick" factor like the Kucinich and Dodd candidacies do, but a random survey of voters has failed to produce a single admitted fantasy about a magical night with General Clark. It's perhaps the obvious attention to duty, honor, and country, along with the scandal-free background and obvious sense of ethics that cool the heels of America when considering the potential for Presidential naughtiness. Without more than a whiff of aqua velva, we will have to give Clark a somewhat limp 3 on the hotness dipstick, with potential for falling lower.
Manliness Clark immediately scores points as the only candidate on the race on the Democratic side who's legally killed, in this case in Vietnam. Insofar as he was involved with controversial bombing campaigns during his stint as Commander of the Kosovo campaign, he also gets the highly-sought-after mantle of having been responsible for sending innocents to their deaths in the name of a greater good. Clark apparently has no hobbies that he's discussed in the public domain, however, leading us to speculate completely without foundation that he collects Hummel figurines and garden gnomes, or something equally antipodal to hunting, fishing, and NASCAR. We have been unable to find a single picture of Clark engaged in an athletic endeavor. With all the manliness inherent in being in control of deadly force, however, Clark still merits a strong 4 on the man-o-meter with only a bowhunting trip or photo op with Dale Earnhardt, Jr. standing between him and the top mark.
Dadliness: Clark's cooperation with other candidates, his willingness to do thankless legwork, and his liberal positions on social issues ranging from gay marriage to health care do not peg him as promising for the typical national father figure. In fact, Clark's strength of character in this regard is closer to Mom than Dad. Clark needs to unleash a few tirades or pick a strange issue to champion to aspire to National Dadliness. A promising potential start is Clark's apparent belief in UFOs (or is it inside knowledge from inside the box?) This is the kind of crazy brother-in-lawness that could sink a campaign if out in the open, but if merely hinted at in the context of, say, terrorism or global warming, it could enhance his future Dadliness. For now, we will have to give Clark a rather lukewarm 3 on the national paternal test.
PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER RATING: 22.
Al Gore
Hair: The former Vice President's hair has eight years of experience as an executive 'do, and that kind of buffing and polishing combined with his still reasonably-thick and probably naturally-dark weave start him out with a presumptive high score on the follicle-meter. But that too-far-over-part combined with America's weariness with Al Gore's rather overexposed head -- which appeared, disembodied, in the cartoon Futurama, and even more disturbingly, attached to Al Gore's body and his wife Tipper's lips during a Saturday Night Live appearance -- suggests a "3" is as good as it's going to get.
Height: It's a well-known fact that Al Gore has consistenly lied about being 6' 2". Despite the fact that Gore's height was measured by an international panel of experts who agreed he was over six feet, despite the fact that he has repeatedly been photographed as being taller than people standing right beside him who have been established by the public record as six foot one or less, and despite his repeated assertions that claims he made that he was actually nine feet tall were falsified, the public perception of Gore as being shorter will remain. As long as there are some scientists who maintain that Gore is only five foot two, the jury will be out, the debate will continue, and an official policy concerning his height cannot be prudently set without potentially negatively affecting the platform shoe industry. Hence what would normally be an ideal Presidential height meriting an uncontroverial "5" for an unknown candidate results in a mere "3".
Spouse-Family: Tipper Gore embodies all that one could want from a Presidential spouse. She's been active and vocal in a seemingly-important but ultimately completely inconsequential issue, naughty lyrics in popular music, but at the sametime remains, in her fifties, extremely hot. Similarly the Gore daughters are all quite hot, photogenic, but unlike the Bush girls, apparently not drunken sluts who have been requested by the US Ambassador to Argentina to leave the country before they further offend South American standards of decency. Gore has a couple of adorable grandchildren and a touching story about quitting a Presidential campaign to be with his son after he was nearly killed on his way to a baseball game. Only his status as a second-generation politician and the obvious fact his homies in Tennessee can't stand him anymore keep Gore from a perfect rating. 4 on the family rating, within the locks and limits setting of the national remote control, of course.
Hotness: There are mixed reports on Gore's hotness. On the one hand, he can obviously make his extremely-hot wife flutter publically, and he's still a handsome guy in late middle age. On the other hand, one could hardly imagine Gore holed up in Jay-Z's crib checking out the talent while telling Tipper he's at a "strategy" concert, unlike some Presidents past we might ponder. Truth to tell, his hotness will always be defined by the hotness of the Clinton presidency. The decidedly unsexy traits of competence, foresight, and faithfulness combined with a well-publicized paunch and that brief academic beard reduce Gore's hotness level to a tepid 2, because, frankly, America had eight years to fantasize about him and chose to move right down the line of succession to Newt Gingrich and Madeline Albright.
Manliness: Gore's perceived manliness has improved quite a bit since his failed 2000 campaign. For one thing, he's engaged in shrill tirades that bordered on screaming fits about the Bush administration. While Gore didn't apparently actually kill anyone in Vietnam, at least he was in a position to take a potshot or two if he'd wanted to, something a bit hard to do in the Alabama Air National Guard short of a friendly-fire incident. Frankly, if Gore had simply embraced the unfair charge that he was a liar, he could've enhanced his Manliness quotient considerably: after all, if the last four Presidents are any measure, the ability to lie through one's teeth with a smile is de rigeur. How often have you said to yourself, my god, Bush's balls must be HUGE for him to say that with a straight face! You get the drift. Because of his potentially irrational streak and his passing familiarity with an M-16, however, Gore merits a solid 3 on the Man-o-gram.
Dadliness: Here's where Gore has gone from a 1 to a 5 in six short years. Previously viewed as a calm, rational, technocrat, Gore not only has acquired a conspiracy-theorist area of international importance with his championing of the cause of Global Warming, he's nearly cornered the market on Smug I Told You So that we associate with Dear Old Dad as a result. Anybody can win a grammy (are you taking notes, Hillary and Barack?) but when Gore strides to the podium to accept an Oscar this March, all America -- nay, the world -- will say to itself, sure, the dude was Vice President, but he just FREAKIN' WON AN ACADEMY AWARD! I mean, how cool would it be if your Dad won an Oscar? Ronald Reagan just having been formerly married to an Oscar winner was worth ten points in the polls. And the potential negatives of Gore's brand of Dadliness (America secretly wants to keep on burning fossil fuels, even though Dad has told us over and over again it's bad for us) are ameliorated by the fact that we're over that national phase and we have to admit that Dad was right all along. Al's not such a stick in the mud that he'd make pennance a drag: he'll probably come out and drive a pedal-powered car on the way to the National debt-elimination fundraising car wash and race you at the same time. The facts that he doesn't like rap (Dadlike) but knows how to logon to the internet (VERY un-Dadlike) balance out one another. Dad rating: 5.
PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER RATING: 20.
Al Sharpton
Hair: The rarely-stated undercurrent of Al Sharpton's once and potentially-future candidacy for the highest office in the land is: is America ready for a President with a mustache? Not since the Taft administration have we had a facially-hirsute chief executive. The top of Sharpton's head is an appropriately Presidential mix of distinguished grey and youthful black, and to be sure his mustache and eyebrows match. However, Sharpton's hair has occasionally taken identical positions to that of shady boxing promoter Don King, although to be fair, the mainstream media has never taken note of the fact that most of the Presidents up to Lincoln had hair in extremely similar positions (notably Andrew Jackson's nearly identically loose-cannon locks.) For now, because America remains unconvinced Sharpton's hair has a chance of being accepted by a main street barber for appropriate control, we must sadly give this otherwise fine mane a mere 3.
Height: Sharpton has two things which accentuate his stature. One is a somewhat rotund frame and a flapping double-chin, which do not enhance his perceived height. The other is his gigantic mouth, which tends to overshadow other portions of Sharpton's anatomy. Still, in a race with Dennis Kucinich, it would be hard for Sharpton to be ignored, and his willingness to speak truth to power to the issues in the last campaign suggests he can at least mark a solid 3 on the measuring stick of potential Presidential height.
Spouse-Family: Sharpton has the now nearly-obligatory broken-home background, enhanced by the fact his mother had to earn her way as a maid. His wife used to be one of James Brown's backup singers -- they met when Sharpton was briefly managing the Godfather of Soul. With James Brown as your Godfather, it's hard not to count all America as your kin, or at least your blood brother. However, because of the recent controvery surrounding Brown's corpse, until the potential Ted Williams-in-the-master-bedroom issue is resolved, that angle of Sharpton's background can't yet count as an asset. Without photogenic grandchildren to cart around, Sharpton's happy enough to accept a 3 on the family storyboard meter.
Hotness: How cold could a guy who used to front for James Brown be? Well, pretty cool in this case. Sharpton generates enough of an ick factor, and tends to wiggle a lot when he walks. He is a sweet talker, but America prefers a sugar daddy when all is said and done. Hotness: 2.
Manliness: Sharpton's been an ordained minister since he was 10 years old. No, really, 10 years old. Insofar as America loves its muscular christianity, Sharpton's been pretty far out on a limb advocating causes for nearly his entire life, and America secretly respects him for this even while suspecting his motives. But let's face it, America is willing to strut its Christian brotherliness but secretly thinks pastors are wusses, and wonder if they love Jesus more than America when all is said and done. Add to this Sharpton's aggressive progressive politics -- we've said it before, peace is wimpy -- and being a motor-mouth only gets you so far in this category without a dangerous hobby of some sort to compensate. He does crawl his way back up a bit by virtue of his musical connections. 2.
Dadliness: Sharpton's been associated with so many causes -- controversial and otherwise -- that he goes all the way around on the whacky Dad measuring stick and plumbs his way fully into the depths of crazy brother-in-lawness. We will spare ourselves the pain of recounting the good, the bad, and the ugly among Sharpton's conspiracy theory/causes, other than to point out that he at least has been right about things nearly as often as Dennis Kucinich. There's a fine line between political showmanship and rampant paranoia, however, no matter how much they really are out to get you. What finally sinks Sharpton's Dadliness is the funding he got during his 2004 run from Republican donors who were essentially trying to run him as a legalized dirty trick. How Daddy-like is it to be the Republicans' biatch when all is said and done? No, this is more like the sheiks hiring Billy Carter or Poppy getting W. into the Texas Air National Guard. 1.
Bonus Al Sharpton trivia: he attended Samuel Tilden High School. Tilden was the 19th-century Al Gore, having actually won the 1876 election at the ballot box but lost it due to some crooked Florida electors and an extra-constitutional backroom deal. Is it a good omen to be associated with a notable Presidential loser? On the other hand, he didn't graduate, so that's something.
PRESIDENTIAL CONTENDER RATING:: 14.
Next installment: Republicans! We start out the Grand Old Party Countdown with Sam Brownback, Duncan Hunter, and Jim Gilmore.
Summary to date:
Candidate | Hair | Height | Spouse- Family | Hotness | Manliness | Dadliness | TOTAL |
Christopher Dodd | 2 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 14 |
John Edwards | 4 | 3 | 5 | 4 | 2 | 2 | 20 |
Mike Gravel | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 16 |
Dennis Kucinich | 1 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 7 |
Tom Vilsack | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 14 |
Joe Biden | 2 | 4 | 5 | 2 | 2 | 3 | 18 |
Barack Obama | 3 | 4 | 5 | 5 | 3 | 3 | 23 |
Hillary Clinton | 2 | 3 | 3 | 4 | 4 | 5 | 21 |
Bill Richardson | 3 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 4 | 3 | 16 |
Wes Clark | 4 | 4 | 4 | 3 | 4 | 3 | 22 |
Al Gore | 3 | 3 | 4 | 2 | 3 | 5 | 20 |
Al Sharpton | 3 | 3 | 3 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 14 |