Congressional leaders appear to be suffering from malfunction in the translation system. Translation from weasel words to plain English, that is. In order to help Congress see this weasel Mukasey for what he really is, and come to the correct conclusion that, for the sake of our democracy and moral standing in the world, he must not be confirmed as Attorney General, I have secured the services of an automated weasel-word translation service.
When asked whether waterboarding was torture, and If he would approve its use, Mukasey said,
I don't know what's involved in the technique..."If waterboarding is torture, torture is not constitutional."
So let’s run that through the weasel word rectifier.
Crunch
Crunch
Crunch
Ding!
Okay, what he really said in plain English is:
Yes. Torture is just fine with me. Waterboard the fuck out of them!
In response to questions about whether it’s all right if the President breaks the law through such things as warrantless eavesdropping, Mukasey said:
"the president is not putting somebody above the law; the president is putting somebody within the law. . . . The president doesn't stand above the law. But the law emphatically includes the Constitution."
So let’s run that through the weasel word rectifier.
Crunch
Crunch
Crunch
Ding!
Okay, what he really said in plain English is:
Bush is the law, you pansies, and there’s fuck-all you can do about it.
Asked if, in the case that Congress put forth contempt charges against members of the Executive Branch for refusal to testify to Congressional subpoenas, the Attorney General would uphold the law and support them, Mukasey said:
"It simply can't be appropriate for the same department that offered the opinion [allowing wide use of executive privilege] then to turn around and prosecute somebody who followed it,"
So let’s run that through the weasel word rectifier.
Crunch
Crunch
Crunch
Ding!
Okay, what he really said in plain English is:
You pikers down in Congress think you can bring down the President? Ha! You can go fuck yourselves.
I hope that this textual de-weaselification has been of service to Congress and the public. Congress, Don’t Confirm This Weasel!