Ok, so you're thinking, I have barely crawled out of bed in my post New Year's Eve fog and already there's yet another candidate diary? But fear not, though I could write some snark about how we'll all react if Iowans choose candidate B, C, or E, that's not what I have planned.
No, I'm here to talk about the dark side--the R side. I woke up recently and realized one of these clowns is actually going to win the (R) caucus in Iowa. That's a real stopper, no?
Honestly friends, who can imagine any of those bozos in office? Or take them seriously on the campaign trail? I mean really, why haven't they all just dropped out of the race from shame? As I watch each of them fall over the others in a mad race to reveal his true calling as biggest hypocrite, criminal, fearmonger, theocrat idiot of all time, I wonder how there can even be a republican nominee at this point. They should all of them just leave the stage today!
So as a public service (and to save us some time and energy come Friday morning) allow me to provide a crib sheet for dkos reactions to the republican winner in Iowa, apres le break...
9iu11iani wins! Oh my god, the world just ended, that corrupt, greasy totalitarian criminal. How could Iowans possibly support him to win the nomination? If he wins the general, I'll have to kill myself.
Romney wins! Oh my god, the world just ended. That teflon-plated, completely unprincipled, flip-flopper. How could Iowans possibly support him to win the nomination? If he wins the general, I'll have to move to Canada.
Huckabee wins! Oh nameofthelordinvain, the world just ended (his supporters can only pray this actually happens). That insane, cross-wielding xenophobic excuse for a homo sapien. I just know he'll win the nomination. If he wins the general we'll all have to stay here while the rest of the country is raptured away. Then kill ourselves.
Thompson wins! Oh my god , that boring, dead-on-his-feet dullard? How could Iowans possibly support him to win the nomination? If he wins the general, I'll...zzzzz. Er that is I'll OD on Geritol and Viagra. And then just fall into a coma. And die.
McCain wins! That soulless, maverick-my-ass, war-mongering bush-hugger! F*ck he could actually win the general. If that happens, I'll have someone tie me to a board and slit my carotid with a rusty straight razor, while pouring scalding hot vanilla lattes on my forehead.
Ron Paul wins! Oh my flying spaghetti monster, that racist, crazy--oh hell, forget it. Just, no. No, no, no, NO, NO, NOOOOOOOO.
There you have it. There's not one candidate in the (R) field we can imagine as the winnner on Thursday. So whoever does win on caucus day --and ultimately whoever wins the nomination -- will be just that. Unimaginable. Unthinkable. Impossible! When I think about this I get a little smiley inside. But then again there's Bush. 8 years of Bush. Oops. A little less smiley. So let's make sure none of these clowns gets anywhere near the presidency, ok? Because there are no good options. For republicans.