Today, for nearly three hours, America's massive national security apparatus ground to a halt. Yes, for nearly three freaking (have you ever heard anyone say freaking?) hours, terrorists could go about their business, unhindered, unmolested, and untortured.
How could John Michael McConnell, the Director of National Intelligence have allowed such a bone-headed move? And congress, were they asleep at the switch? What about the news media How many people who are reading this have any idea that only lady luck saved them from the haters of freedom today.
My fingers are shaking so badly that I can barely type. The sordid truth, the whole sordid truth, and nothing but the sordid truth, after the jump.
So, many of you are probably asking yourselves today, how is that greatwhitebuffalo, all the way up there in Montana, could be on top of a story of such groundbreaking, earth-shattering, importance. I'll tell you why my friends. Because I know how the terrorists think. I know that they never tire in their unrelenting terroristic zeal to wage asymmetrical warfare with non-state actors and unconventional weapons. I know they know where our secret vulnerabilities lie. And they know I know that they know.
I'm going to just cut to the chase, so sit down before you fall down and buckle up.
Today, from 17:30 until 20:30, only a few hours ago, every single Starbuck was closed for a highly secretive "employee training."
I know what you're thinking. What about Dunkin' Donuts? Well, here's the thing: they don't have a Dunkin' Donuts at Guantanamo Bay. They only have Starbucks. Three hours without designer bean caffeine at Guantanamo is like three years without caffeine back in the world. Anything could have happened. Do you know what it means when an interrogator yawns in the middle of an interrogation? It means, we're losing the war on terror my friends. That's what it means. How is possible to be vigilant without espresso?
We don't yet know what kind of damage was done to our security infrastructure today by Howard Schultz. It may be years before we know. But in the meantime, there is something you can do to maintain our national security infrastructure, to regain your peace of mind, and to make sure that corporate behemoths like Starbucks never let us down again.
Patronize independently-owned coffee houses that sell fairly-traded coffee. Maybe they'll be able to hire the 600 barristas Howard Schultz just laid off.
Big hat tip to Adbusters for inspiration.
Update#1:
It's okay to tip or rec a snark diary. Really.
Update#2:
My diary is being pushed down by
"Why Barack's Staffers are Idiots".
I feel the crushing weight of history.
Update#3:
I will find you humorless "noise" tagger. And I'll anonymously tag your diaries because, well just because.