When I went upstairs at my parent's house, I found Mom in bed again as she had been so many times before. Each time I got tired of having phone calls go unanswered and friends and family turned away at the door, I made a trip over to her house to coax and/or drag her out of bed yet again.
Her depression had her avoiding life itself. And it wasn't as though she didn't have things to be glad about. Her husband survived cancer and was able to return to his job after leaving it for treatment. Her firstborn son was happily married and just gave her her first grandchild. Her secondborn son was getting ready to get married to someone he loves. Her house would soon be paid for. Money was no longer an issue.
As I sat at her bedside, I told her about everything she was missing by shunning her loved ones and living the life of a recluse. She told me she was afraid to get out of bed. She was afraid of her husband. She was afraid of facing the day She was afraid of everything. When I suggested going to a doctor, she was afraid of doing that, too.
She often told me in her darkest moments that she just wanted to go to sleep. And then two days before Mother's Day, she took a handful of pills and tried to go to sleep forever.
She did not succeed. Luckily, my father, who is a doctor, was able to bring her back to life. She spent a day in the hospital and was released.
The afternoon before her attempt, we did everything we could to help. Her Mom and Dad showed up to lend their support. My wife and I were there as well, along with my cousin who had lived in my Mom's house for a time. We all told her how loved she was. That none of us were judging her. That we just wanted her to get help.
I told her I wanted my son to have a grandmother. And she still made the selfish decision to try to end her life.
That afternoon, my grandmother (her Mom) told me she was afraid of what she might do. She hinted strongly that suicide was a possibility. I said I doubted this, but promised to keep a close eye on her in the coming days.
I don't blame myself for not believing that she would try to do it. None of us thought it was really possible. But we'll never make that mistake again.
The reason why I'm telling you all of this is I want you to take mental illness seriously -- even depression, which is often thought of as "the common cold" of mental illness and dismissed as not all that dangerous.
You can and should trust your friends and loved ones, but you should never trust the disease that they have. It can and will make them do things they wouldn't ordinarily think of.
This is the second time suicide has struck close to home for my wife and I. The first time it was her cousin, who she grew up with and was very close to. Unlike my Mom, he succeeded in his attempt.
I want you all to never be afraid to be there for your friends and family through their toughest times. Go to them and really listen. Don't hesitate to act -- to do things you might consider extreme. It might mean the difference.
Here is the link to the Kristin Brooks Hope Center Web site.
This is the US Department of Health and Human services page on suicide prevention.
Here is a .pdf of the warning signs of suicide.
If you know of any more helpful resources that are out there, please don't hesitate to share them in the comments section.
If you think someone you know might have a problem, don't question it. Don't allow for the possibility that you might be wrong. Just act. Just be there.
I know it's a hard problem to talk about, but I think you'll agree that the consequences make it impossible to ignore.
Thanks for reading.
PS: I hadn't expected this to make the rec list, and now that it has, I have to get to work. I've got a few stories my editor would like to see later this week, so it's time to start chipping away at them. I'll be in and out to reply to comments.
PPS: Some commenters have objected to my use of the word "selfish" here. I am sorry if I offended you personally. I do not mean to say that anyone who commits suicide is selfish. But in my opinion, it was selfish of her to do this to her family. I acknowledge that she probably wasn't thinking clearly at the time, but I stand by my use of the word because that's how I feel about it right now. It should go without saying that I would never say this to her.
Update: My mom is still in bed. I am going over to her house after work to have a talk with her. We have made an appointment with a doctor and she'll go in about a week. I want to hear from her that she is committed to getting over this thing. She's in a lot of denial right now, and may not even realize that she tried to kill herself. In any event, wish me luck. It's clear that this is the beginning of a long, hard slog. All I can do is love her, be supportive and most of all be there for her as much as possible.
Nighttime update: In retrospect, I think I should have been clearer on my own personal history with depression. I'm still getting e-mails and comments from people who act as though I have no idea what my mom is going through, but the truth is I know it all too well.
Throughout high school and college, and even on into my married life I have struggled with depression. And on more times than I can remember, I have had thoughts of suicide. I chose to leave this out of the diary because the diary was about my mom, not me. But because people didn't know about my history, they began questioning my motives.
I paid her a visit this afternoon as planned. She is going to a doctor tomorrow, and to a different doctor in a week.
That's all I can think to say.