Yes, that's right! It's time for another round of "Hey, Dumbass!" where we try to get the attention of alleged journalists who seem to think it's their job to play dumb.
First off, the following quote should be tattooed backwards on the forehead of every journalist in America.
"If I am the Democratic nominee, I will aggressively pursue an agreement with the Republican nominee to preserve a publicly financed general election." - Barack Obama
Of course, every American journalist already knows what Obama said, and are only pretending he unilaterally promised to run a publicly financed campaign, no backsies, etc., so it's not like they actually need to see it every time they look in the mirror. It's just that this way, American journalists will look as stupid as they sound.
As it turns out, Barack Obama did wind up being the Democratic nominee. But the Republican nominee is John McCain, the sleaziest guy in campaign finance. John McCain, wrote an exception for his own private jet into campaign finance "reform," broke a law he helped write when he used matching funds as collateral and then tried to give them back, and he claims that anyone who talks about how he failed to reimburse his wife for the use of her private jet (how many private jets do these people have?) is "attacking his wife."
Can someone explain this to Dumbass? Because she seems to have missed that part:
Obama is going to set a new tone in politics. Yes, he did promise to abjure private financing of his presidential campaign if the Republican nominee would do the same, but as everyone can see, things have changed. Public finance would provide only $85 million, whereas Obama has raised more than three times that already. As the candidate explained so upliftingly, "It’s not an easy decision, and especially because I support a robust system of public financing of elections" but "this is our moment and our country is depending on us."
Emphasis mine, tendentiousness hers. Maybe someone can tell Dumbass about the John McCain stories she's missed? McCain is breaking a law he wrote right now, by continuing to spend unlimited money, as if he never opted into public financing, in the primary phase which continues until the conventions. The only "thing" that "changed" is that Obama is running against a campaign finance criminal.
So, why are they freaking out about Barack Obama's "broken promise"? Because it's the only poo they have to fling. It's not that they're holding Obama to a higher standard than a sleazebag like John McCain, it's that American "journalists" are trying to hold Obama up to an imaginary standard that they don't believe in themselves.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way. The Democrat is supposed to bow to pressure to take a weaker position, simply because the Vienna Sausage Choir says it's the high road. Meanwhile, the Republicans can attack with the full force of their sleaze while the Vienna Sausage Choir will look the other way. That's how American political journalism works, and that's why everyone but Keith Olbermann was gargling with Republican talking-points this morning.
But Barack Obama is not John Kerry. And so the Vienna Sausage Choir is screaming bloody murder that Obama won't be cowed into losing the game before it starts. First, they're angry because they're conservatives, and they failed to hurt the Democrat. Second, they're angry because Obama is ignoring them, leaving them impotent.
In an editorial that could have just as easily been about bad school lunches or a lack of school spirit, Dumbass #2 manages a series of girly eye-rolls about Barack Obama, whom he's dubbed "Fast Eddie." I am not making this up. Take it away, David Brooks!
Back when he was in the Illinois State Senate, Dr. Barack could have taken positions on politically uncomfortable issues. But Fast Eddie Obama voted "present" nearly 130 times. From time to time, he threw his voting power under the truck.
First of all, anyone who's taken a high school civics class knows how votes are whipped into one bloc or another, so it's not a Yearning Nation's Blue-Eyed Pride waiting breathlessly to record their name. Second, anyone who's watched American politics knows how procedural votes are used in elections to pretend that Senator Liberal voted against puppies and kittens.
Obama didn't play their game, which has sent Dumbass here into a fit of sighs. This is your New York Times.
Dr. Barack said he could no more disown the Rev. Jeremiah Wright than disown his own grandmother. Then the political costs of Rev. Wright escalated and Fast Eddie Obama threw Wright under the truck.
You skipped a step, Dumbass. Everyone who doesn't get their news from Crackervision™ knows that in between your two sentences there, Wright attacked Obama in public. Could someone please explain that to Dumbass?
Dr. Barack could have been a workhorse senator. But primary candidates don’t do tough votes, so Fast Eddie Obama threw the workhorse duties under the truck.
Wow, that's one lazy black man, Dumbass. But we already know what Obama has done as a legislator and aren't going to fall for the "what has he ever done?" line.
... which was used against John Kerry
... who had sponsored about as many bills as John McCain
... but that didn't matter, 'cause one's a Democrat and the other's a Republican and that's all that matters in American "journalism."
Dr. Barack could have changed the way presidential campaigning works. John McCain offered to have a series of extended town-hall meetings around the country. But favored candidates don’t go in for unscripted free-range conversations. Fast Eddie Obama threw the new-politics mantra under the truck.
Uh, Dumbass? Townhall style meetings aren't "new politics." We've had them for a while, so how are they supposed to change the way presidential campaigning works, Dumbass? Townhall-style meetings are very dumb and cheesy. A city of a million plus is supposed to stage an event as if they're Crapapple Cove or some shit. Pathetic. And old. It was at a townhall style meeting that Dick Cheney, for instance, outed his gay daughter in 2004. Is it possible that you're just making stuff up so you can bitch about it, Dumbass?
But wait! Dumbass is just going into his short strokes! Here he comes with a Republican talking point so fresh it hasn't even had time to coagulate! Spit it out, Dumbass! SPIT IT OUT!!!
And then on Thursday, Fast Eddie Obama had his finest hour. Barack Obama has worked on political reform more than any other issue. He aspires to be to political reform what Bono is to fighting disease in Africa. He’s spent much of his career talking about how much he believes in public financing. In January 2007, he told Larry King that the public-financing system works. In February 2007, he challenged Republicans to limit their spending and vowed to do so along with them if he were the nominee. In February 2008, he said he would aggressively pursue spending limits. He answered a Midwest Democracy Network questionnaire by reminding everyone that he has been a longtime advocate of the public-financing system.
That's nice. Still not seeing the unilateral promise to run a publicly financed campaign, Dumbass. Maybe it's under the truck?
But Thursday, at the first breath of political inconvenience, Fast Eddie Obama threw public financing under the truck. In so doing, he probably dealt a death-blow to the cause of campaign-finance reform. And the only thing that changed between Thursday and when he lauded the system is that Obama’s got more money now.
That's gotta be one big-ass truck, Dumbass. But, once again, what changed is that Obama is now up against the sleaziest man in campaign finance, the guy who just green-lit every 527 attack by claiming he was too weak to stop them. You made more sense when you were talking about imaginary salad bars, Dumbass.
And Fast Eddie Obama didn’t just sell out the primary cause of his life. He did it with style. He did it with a video so risibly insincere that somewhere down in the shadow world, Lee Atwater is gaping and applauding. Obama blamed the (so far marginal) Republican 527s. He claimed that private donations are really public financing. He made a cut-throat political calculation seem like Mother Teresa’s final steps to sainthood.
Two words, Dumbass: swift boat.
But hold the goddam phone.
You're not dumping your trash in my yard, bitch. There's no way you can blame the tactics of Lee Atwater, the man who played the biggest Nigger Card in recent history, on the Democrats, let alone a black man. That's your Nigger Card, Republican. Here! Here's your Nigger Card. Hey, you dropped something. It's your Nigger Card. Don't forget your Nigger Card, Republican, because it's the only thing you've got to deal.
What you can't stand, Dumbass, is that the Democrat refused to take a weak position. America's "liberal media" hates it when Democrats fight back and fight smart.
As you may recall, yesterday Lou Dobbs was gnashing his dentures at the camera to show us how much he doesn't know about offshore drilling. Now Dumbass #3 is going on about "Obama's Broken Promise." Fortunately, when I saw this piece of shit, I was in a bar. I was actually kinda surprised that Lou didn't candy-up his chyron with "AMERICA UNDER SIEGE - DAY ONE"
DOBBS: Senator Barack Obama breaking a promise to the American public ...
Really? Show me the quote, Dumbass. If you're that sure, show me the quote.
Dobbs brings in Jabba the Crowley, the woman who disqualified cancer survivor John Kerry for the White House because he drank green tea, to provide the evidence so Dobbs can gnash his dentures some more. Unfortunately, Jabba the Crowley has jack shit:
CROWLEY: ... Legal and expected, all would be OK except for the video trail of this kind of thing. "Dateline" New Hampshire, April 2007.
OBAMA: I have been a public supporter of public financing since I got into politics.
OK, where's the unilateral promise, or any kind of promise, to run a publicly financed election, Jabba?
Maybe it's under that mille feuille over there.
No, over there.
It's right there, under David Brooks' truck.
Can't a bitch find a pastry?!? I said it's RIGHT THERE!
CROWLEY: And in late November, Obama responded to and then signed a questionnaire stating "I will aggressively pursue an agreement with the Republican nominee to preserve a publicly finance general election.
Ah, she found it! Unfortunately, she ate it before Dumbass could see it:
DOBBS: Well, Bill, I mean that's fine. The point is he just broke a promise.
No, the point is you're a dumbass, Dumbass, because you can't quote the promise Obama supposedly broke. You didn't even listen to Jabba the Crowley when she said:
CROWLEY: Lawyers for both campaigns have different versions of whether any agreement was aggressively pursued
Didn't listen at all, just went boppin' on by with all those extra folds of Dobbs just a-flappin' all over the place so he could go back and say:
DOBBS: Well, Bill, I mean that's fine. The point is he just broke a promise.
Pull his fucking string! He'll say it again! Could someone go tell Dumbass to listen to his own fucking program?
And, although I hate to be cruel, Dumbass, I have to tell you that Aztec warriors aren't bringing leprosy to a building site near you. Sorry, but it had to be said.
So, who are these fucking morons? These are respectable journalists. This is what they do. This is why you're here, reading this now. We deserve better than what these dishonest hacks and well-preserved morons serve up, and we're willing to create that something better ourselves if we have to.
For desert, let's compare the above, where Obama "broke" a promise he didn't make, with the other guy's record, including all the things that Dumbass doesn't seem to mind:
McCain supported the drilling moratorium; now he’s against it.
* McCain strongly opposes a windfall-tax on oil company profits. Three weeks earlier, he was perfectly comfortable with the idea.
* McCain thought Bush’s warrantless-wiretap program circumvented the law; now he believes the opposite.
* McCain defended "privatizing" Social Security. Now he says he’s against privatization (though he actually still supports it.)
Wait, I’m not done with the last two weeks yet....
* McCain wanted to change the Republican Party platform to protect abortion rights in cases of rape and incest. Now he doesn’t.
* McCain thought the estate tax was perfectly fair. Now he believes the opposite.
* He opposed indefinite detention of terrorist suspects. When the Supreme Court reached the same conclusion, he called it "one of the worst decisions in the history of this country."
* McCain said he would "not impose a litmus test on any nominee." He used to promise the opposite.
And these come after these other reversals from April and May:
* McCain believes the telecoms should be forced to explain their role in the administration’s warrantless surveillance program as a condition for retroactive immunity. He used to believe the opposite.
* McCain supported storing spent nuclear fuel at Yucca Mountain in Nevada. Now he believes the opposite.
* McCain supported moving "towards normalization of relations" with Cuba. Now he believes the opposite.
* McCain believed the U.S. should engage in diplomacy with Hamas. Now he believes the opposite.
* McCain believed the U.S. should engage in diplomacy with Syria. Now he believes the opposite.
* He argued the NRA should not have a role in the Republican Party’s policy making. Now he believes the opposite.
* McCain supported his own lobbying-reform legislation from 1997. Now he doesn’t.
* He wanted political support from radical televangelists like John Hagee and Rod Parsley. Now he doesn’t.
* McCain supported the Lieberman/Warner legislation to combat global warming. Now he doesn’t.
And these are the flip-flops I’ve noticed earlier:
* McCain pledged in February 2008 that he would not, under any circumstances, raise taxes. Specifically, McCain was asked if he is a "‘read my lips’ candidate, no new taxes, no matter what?" referring to George H.W. Bush’s 1988 pledge. "No new taxes," McCain responded. Two weeks later, McCain said, "I’m not making a ‘read my lips’ statement, in that I will not raise taxes."
* McCain is both for and against a "rogue state rollback" as a focus of his foreign policy vision.
* McCain says he considered and did not consider joining John Kerry’s Democratic ticket in 2004.
* In 1998, he championed raising cigarette taxes to fund programs to cut underage smoking, insisting that it would prevent illnesses and provide resources for public health programs. Now, McCain opposes a $0.61-per-pack tax increase, won’t commit to supporting a regulation bill he’s co-sponsoring, and has hired Philip Morris’ former lobbyist as his senior campaign adviser.
* McCain has changed his economic worldview on multiple occasions.
* McCain has changed his mind about a long-term U.S. military presence in Iraq on multiple occasions.
* McCain is both for and against attacking Barack Obama over his former pastor at his former church.
* McCain believes Americans are both better and worse off than they were before Bush took office.
* McCain is both for and against earmarks for Arizona.
* McCain believes his endorsement from radical televangelist John Hagee was both a good and bad idea.
* McCain’s first mortgage plan was premised on the notion that homeowners facing foreclosure shouldn’t be "rewarded" for acting "irresponsibly." His second mortgage plan took largely the opposite position.
* McCain vowed, if elected, to balance the federal budget by the end of his first term. Soon after, he decided he would no longer even try to reach that goal.
* In February 2008, McCain reversed course on prohibiting waterboarding.
* McCain used to champion the Law of the Sea convention, even volunteering to testify on the treaty’s behalf before a Senate committee. Now he opposes it.
* McCain was a co-sponsor of the DREAM Act, which would grant legal status to illegal immigrants’ kids who graduate from high school. Now he’s against it.
* On immigration policy in general, McCain announced in February 2008 that he would vote against his own legislation.
* In 2006, McCain sponsored legislation to require grassroots lobbying coalitions to reveal their financial donors. In 2007, after receiving "feedback" on the proposal, McCain told far-right activist groups that he opposes his own measure.
* McCain said before the war in Iraq, "We will win this conflict. We will win it easily." Four years later, McCain said he knew all along that the war in Iraq war was "probably going to be long and hard and tough."
* McCain said he was the "greatest critic" of Rumsfeld’s failed Iraq policy. In December 2003, McCain praised the same strategy as "a mission accomplished." In March 2004, he said, "I’m confident we’re on the right course." In December 2005, he said, "Overall, I think a year from now, we will have made a fair amount of progress if we stay the course."
* McCain criticized TV preacher Jerry Falwell as "an agent of intolerance" in 2002, but then decided to cozy up to the man who said Americans "deserved" the 9/11 attacks.
* McCain used to oppose Bush’s tax cuts for the very wealthy, but he reversed course in February.
* On a related note, he said 2005 that he opposed the tax cuts because they were "too tilted to the wealthy." By 2007, he denied ever having said this, and insisted he opposed the cuts because of increased government spending.
* In 2000, McCain accused Texas businessmen Sam and Charles Wyly of being corrupt, spending "dirty money" to help finance Bush’s presidential campaign. McCain not only filed a complaint against the Wylys for allegedly violating campaign finance law, he also lashed out at them publicly. In April, McCain reached out to the Wylys for support.
* McCain supported a major campaign-finance reform measure that bore his name. In June 2007, he abandoned his own legislation.
* McCain opposed a holiday to honor Martin Luther King, Jr., before he supported it.
* McCain was against presidential candidates campaigning at Bob Jones University before he was for it.
* McCain was anti-ethanol. Now he’s pro-ethanol.
* McCain was both for and against state promotion of the Confederate flag.
* McCain decided in 2000 that he didn’t want anything to do with former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger, believing he "would taint the image of the ‘Straight Talk Express.’" Kissinger is now the Honorary Co-Chair for his presidential campaign in New York.