(Cross-posted at Liberal Arts)
A trip to the gynecologist is not a fun time. But yesterday’s was terrible. I left feeling angry and shaky, wishing I had been able to say something to him, but trying to accept that in my position it was okay to be upset and unable to respond. I still wish I had stuck up to my nurse, talked back, not just given him the smile-and-nod, waiting for it to be over. I know it wasn’t the worst thing that could have happened. I’m sure many experiences are much worse. But my nurse lied to me. I've never been particular about doctors, taking whoever's available at the office, trusting anyone that walked through the exam room door. Now I'm not so sure, because a person I trusted, who I've been taught to trust for his medical degree, deceived me.
Even though I had no response for the nurse at the time, as soon as I got home I started writing down what I could remember him saying, did some research, and went back in today. Fortunately, the problem was dealt with by my doctor, the head of the practice, quickly and well. Still, I want to share my story, as an example of how sexism and challenges to reproductive rights can come up when you least expect them.
I was going in for my second (of three) Gardasil shots. What I ended up getting was a long lecture on condoms, premarital sex, and the dangers of promiscuity, along with a hefty dose of sexism.
More...After being led into the waiting room, a nurse soon entered. Since I was there for Gardasil, he started asking me questions about it. And honestly, throughout our encounter, he said a lot of things that I won't mention here (I can't remember every line of the conversation) that were fine. Every word he said wasn't a lie. But I will recount those things which were deceptive, untrue, and offensive.
"The HPV Vaccine prevents four types of HPV." He lists them, tells me how they cause most cases of cervical cancer and genital warts. "But do you know how many types of HPV there actually are?" I respond with 30-40, having just read the Gardasil brochure in the waiting room. But he disagrees: "Nope. There are actually over 100. So, even though this vaccine prevents four, you have to watch out for ninety-six other ones." Except, wait, no the brochure is right. According to the American Cancer Society, there are over 100 types, but sixty cause warts on non-genital skin, leaving forty affecting the anal and genital area. Why, then, would he so subtly imply that when engaging in sexual activity I should beware of 96 types of HPV?
In lieu of there being so many viruses to look out for, he asks, "What do you do about the rest of them?" I reply with condoms. But he is not so sure about condoms.
He then provided a decidedly unscientific explanation of how sperm are big, and "condoms are meant to protect against pregnancy...but viruses are little. Sperm are 100x as big as viruses." Therefore, he has implied that condoms are only good for preventing pregnancy, and will not protect against STDs. Of course, he soon went beyond mere implication:
"If you're going to have sex, use condoms, but they’re not perfect. They don’t protect against the big guys."
However, according to a study presented at the International Conference on AIDS, condoms can keep out "particles at a range of sizes, down to the size of helium gas, orders of magnitude smaller than the viruses HIV or HBV." The National Institutes of Health report that "condoms are impervious to the smallest viruses." My doctor's own website says this: "Male or female condoms are the only birth control methods that protect against sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including...HIV. To protect yourself and your partner from STD infection, be sure to use a condom every time you have sex." Seems to me like condoms are keeping out some very "big guys."
After some more discussion (although by this point, while he was talking, I was mostly just staring at him in shock), after he had led me to the natural conclusion that there's no real way to be safe from STDs, he told me this: "Women shouldn’t have sex like men. You’re in college, you know what some women are doing....If he’s not Mr. Right, then why are you with him anyways?"
My mom's reaction says it best: "He said WHAT?!?" Firstly, this is sexist. He has decided, like so many abstinence-only believers, that women should remain pure and good until they are married. However, men will be men, so they can be promiscuous. But the question remains, if men can have sex and women cannot, who are the men having sex with? Secondly, I understand that abstinence is the surest way of avoiding STDs. I mean, duh. That’s obviously something that should be taught as part of sex education. But abstinence is a choice. In fact, it's a choice that most people don’t make. And I shouldn’t feel like a bad person for not choosing abstinence. Finally, there are so many things wrong with his "Mr. Right" statement. What if I were a lesbian? Then basically this whole lecture would have not only been prejudiced but also very alienating and offensive. And even if they aren't sexually active, pretty much everyone dates before they get married. We aren't built in with Mr. Right-detectors that go off when we find the "right" person; I don't think I'd want it if we were. We date people, have fun, experience life with different people in it, maybe have sex with some, or many, and eventually, if it's right for us, we get married. Or we don't. That's the beauty of choice.
The biggest problem with everything that he said is not the simple fact that someone said this. Unfortunately, there are many people purposely deceiving teens and young adults so that they remain abstinent. The real problem is that this was a nurse. Someone I thought I could trust. Working at a gynecology office, you have to be open to so many different lifestyles and experiences. You have to give people honest answers so that they make safe choices. How can I feel safe knowing that a health professional lied about my health?
My nurse lied and lectured me to scare me out of having sex. I was in shock, angry but silent, shaking as he gave me the shot, knowing that someone who I had so quickly grown to hate was still in this position of power over me. After the appointment, I didn’t feel more informed about my health. I feel shaky and upset. I felt like he was judging me for having sex, like if I had told him I have had several partners, he would have been disgusted. And if I had told him I was in a very serious, monogamous relationship he would have been proud that I’m not a slutty teenager.
I caught on to his act. I realized that what he was saying was sexist, judgmental, unfair, misleading, and inaccurate. The unfortunate thing is, others will not. There are so many women seeing doctors just like this, and worse, who promote their own agenda and not the truth. And not every woman will know that they’re being lied to or treated unfairly.
I had comprehensive sex education in high school. This was not it.