Immediately after Barack Obama's historic speech before over 200,000 people yesterday in Berlin, MSNBC political analyst Chuck Todd opined, "John McCain could have given that speech."
Now, I understand what Todd was saying. The speech was non-partisan and non-ideological. Obama's lofty rhetoric was simply trying inspire the peoples of all nations, races and religions to work together to make the world a better place. Not very controversial ideas.
But John McCain never could have given that speech in a million years because he is not interested in any of that stuff. To suggest otherwise is absurd. John McCain cares about war, namely the Iraq War. Follow me below for my version of what McCain might have said if he had been in Obama's place.
Thank you, my friends. I would like to speak to you today about the most pressing issue of our time: the Global War on Terror. Terrorism affects us all over the world, from Czechoslovakia to the Iraq-Pakistan border, from the Ottoman Empire to Atlantis. Terrorism is the existential threat to all civilized peoples today.
But we do not all agree on the best way to fight the Global War on Terror. Here in Europe, you mainly use simple law enforcement tactics. I think that is not enough. All that does is disrupt terror plots and imprison convicted terrorists. How can you fight a proper war on terror when all the terrorists are locked up? (Grins maniacally) Why, it's almost as if you Europeans have an aversion to war for some reason.
In the United States, we have a different view. The correct view, in my opinion. We don't waste time worrying about the rule of law. We fight a real war. A big war. A very, very expensive war. And most importantly, a successful war. Do you realize, my friends, that before we invaded Iraq in 2003 there were zero Al Qaeda terrorists there? And now, just five years later, the place is crawling with them! They're much easier to target now. We've even killed Al Qaeda's No. 3 man -- 14 times! Mission accomplished.
Now, of course, I have to admit it hasn't always been easy. During our struggles in the first few years of the war, I was a very vocal critic of President Bush, whom I supported 100 percent. But then I came up with the idea of the Surge and the situation immediately improved a year later.
The best example of the success of the Surge is the Anbar Awakening. One of the major Sunni sheiks in Anbar needed our help, so we moved in troops to protect him. Thus began the Anbar Awakening which greatly reduced the violence in that troubled region. Thanks to the Surge, we were able to protect that very important sheik right up to the moment he was assassinated. If he were alive today, I'm sure he'd say the Surge saved his life.
My critics say the Surge hasn't worked the way it was supposed to. They say I have sometimes changed the timeline of the Surge or even that I have changed the meaning and goals of the policy. That's ridiculous, my friends. They simply don't understand that the Surge is more than a tactic or a strategy. It's a way of life. The Surge is the word. It's the word that you heard. It's got groove, it's got meaning. The Surge is the time, is the place, is the motion. The Surge is the way we are feeling, my friends.
(Looks up) Hey, look at that cloud up there! It looks like a trollop! (Shakes fist in the air) Get the hell out of here, you cunt!
Oh, I'm sorry, where was I? Oh yes, the Surge. My friends, the Surge has always been with us. In the United States we have a miltary officer especially in charge of the Surge. He's called the Surgeon General. (Grins) As a matter of fact, when I was a lad I met our very first Surgeon General, John Maynard Woodworth, shortly after he was appointed by President Ulysses Grant. I remember that he had the most handsome onion hanging from his belt, which was the fashion at the time.
But back to the Surge. The Surge is working. Remember that. The Surge is a success. We are winning in Iraq. Leaving Iraq would mean surrendering to the terrorists. I will never surrender. No one wants to bring our troops home more than I do. But we can't leave until we win. And as long as stay in Iraq, we're winning. Leaving means losing. In short, we can't leave unless we stay. I cannot make that any clearer to you, my friends. You can always count on me to give you straight talk.
Thank you and God bless you.
And the crowd goes crazy:
(h/t to Wild Starchild for the pic.)